"Mass Medea"
An Original Screenplay--Part 4
An Original Screenplay--Part 4
EXT. COOL GADGETS OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The Cool Gadgets conference room, three weeks later. Brian, Neal, George, Carl, Janice, Jean, and Helen are sitting around the conference room table. There is an uncomfortable silence for a few moments.
Enter FREDERICK SCHULTZ and Ivan. They exude corporateness.CARLThis bodes well.BRIANCarl, they’re only 20 minutes late. They’re probably stuck in traffic. Give them time.CARLThey could have called. Don’t we have actual work to do?JANICEYou’ve been in this petulant state for three weeks now, and it’s starting to drive us all nuts.BRIANYou are being n petulant where n is a large, positive integer.CARLI think I’m more peevish than petulant.(beat)“N petulant”?BRIANIn fact, I would even venture to say that n approaches infinity, perhaps even infinity plus one.CARLHas anyone ever told you that you’re colossal dork?JEANEvery woman he ever dated. Present company included. Ahem.GEORGEWow, that was way more information than I needed.NEAL(ignoring them all)I remain optimistic about this acquisition. There are a lot of advantages to being part of large organization.BRIANParticularly when the head office is 2,000 miles away in Chicago.NEALI think this is going to be a good thing.CARLI’ll believe it when I see it.
They all nod at each other.FREDERICKSorry we’re running late.IVANWhoever designed the streets in this city must have been stoned out of his friggin’ mind.CARLWell, this city doesn’t have the virtue of having been burned to the ground by a cow—-BRIAN(cutting Carl off)We’re glad you could make it. Please, have a seat.FREDERICKThank you. Brian, I know we’ve met, but, for the benefit of the rest of you, I am Frederick Schultz, the chief executive officer of Juno Mass Media. And I believe most of you have met Ivan Verdeschi.
There is now a very awkward silence. Carl, of all people, is very amused.FREDERICKOur human resources director is flying out this afternoon to take care of all the paperwork that you’ll have to fill out, but Ivan and I wanted to come out in advance and introduce you to the Juno family, and have you get to know us.GEORGEBecause the more “ju know,” the better off you are.FREDERICKExcuse me?GEORGEThe more...oh, never mind.JANICELaugh and the world laughs with you. Pun and you laugh alone.FREDERICKRight. Anyway, Ivan is the Group Publisher of the Consumer Electronic Group, whose flagship publication is Modern Electronics magazine.CARLIt’s—NEALWe’re familiar with it.
(deliberately cutting CARL off)FREDERICKMe, Ivan, and Flo all see a valuable synergy between the two books that I think will help both of them cross-pollinate each other.GEORGESounds incestuous.JANICEI don’t want to have to pick you up off the flo’.GEORGEWaka waka.
There is another awkward silence.FREDERICKYou guys are a spirited bunch, aren’t you?NEALThey’re all just a bit...anxious about this acquisition and how it will all work.FREDERICKI can understand that, and that’s why I wanted to fly out here in person and say “hi” and try to ease your fears.
That didn’t help with the awkwardness.CARLHi.
Frederick and Ivan get up and exit. The rest of the staff looks around at each other for a moment.FREDERICKWhat I’d like to have happen is for Ivan to stay out here for a couple of weeks, get an idea of how you guys operate, go on some sales calls with your reps, and start to introduce your current and potential advertisers to the Consumer Electronics Group as a whole. I know you guys are used to doing your own thing out here, but I want to stress that we’re not trying to take over and tell you how to do things. You have a successful publication, and you’re obviously doing something right. Now, let’s break for a few hours. I have some calls I have to return, and I’m sure you guys have some work to get done. Jacqueline will be here after lunch to take care of all the HR stuff. Ivan, I need to speak with you in private outside.
CARLI don’t believe it.NEALWhat?CARLHe used the word “synergy.” That is such a bad sign.NEALCarl, could you at least make an effort.CARLI’m being perfectly nice.BRIANTry to make it work. They’re not bad guys. They’re a little more corporate than we’re used to but, that may not be a bad thing.NEALGuys, it’s going to be fine.HELENNeal’s right. Let’s give these guys a chance.CARLI just have a really bad feeling about this. I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it...JANICEWell, if you don’t know what it is, don’t put your finger on it.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BRIAN’S OFFICE - DAY
Five days after the previous scene. Brian and Ivan are in Brian’s office. Ivan is looking at a laptop computer he has open on Brian’s desk.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAYIVANI’ve been going over some of the numbers that Rick gave me. You realize that you have one of most overpaid staffs in publishing.BRIANThey’re not overpaid, everyone else in publishing is underpaid. And San Francisco is a very expensive city to live in. Besides, it’s a good way to ensure that talented people stay here.
(shrugs)IVANOh, come on. Writers are a dime a dozen in this industry.BRIANYeah, but original and prominent voices in the industry aren’t.IVANWho, Carl Hogarth? There’s a voice we could all live without.BRIANCarl is very well-respected in the industry.IVANHe’s an asshole, but for now he’s not a liability. The point is, I can’t rationalize these salaries. I’m putting a freeze on all employees’ salaries for 18 months, and we’re going to have to cut elsewhere in the budget.BRIANBut—-IVANThe numbers don’t work out to what we need them to, even with getting rid of the Circulation Department and that freak of nature who was running it.BRIANDave is a very bright kid.IVANYeah, right. You are so sentimental.BRIANI believe in looking after my employees.IVANApparently.
At the Cool Gadgets reception area, Dave is standing at the reception desk with Terri and Carl.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAYDAVEI guess “pink slips” don’t exist anymore.CARLThey’re really more a metaphor than anything.(pause)I’m gonna miss you, guy.TERRIDave’ll be fine.DAVEI’ve got an interview this afternoon with a software company down on the Peninsula.CARLYou’re probably going to be better off than the rest of us. Hey—-whatever kind of reference you need, let me know.DAVEBrian made the same offer, but thanks, Carl.CARLThen again, we’ll probably all be asking you for a job in six months.
Neal enters and walks into his office. He straightens his tie and boots up his computer. Ivan exits Brian’s office and walks up to Neal.
INT. NEAL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Neal shrugs.IVANGood morning.NEALGood morning, I-- “EE”-van.IVANWhat’s on tap for today?NEALWhat’s on tap? Well, George will be heading out to Redwood City this afternoon to profile a new software company and Janice will be helping Carl with a digital camera roundup. I have an interview with Industrial Light & Magic scheduled in about 20 minutes, and Helen is probably going to be scanning pictures all day. I think that covers most of the staff.IVANYou are thorough.
Ivan turns to leave.IVANYou know, if you play your cards right, you could have a future in this organization.NEALI thought I already did.IVANI don’t mean that. You know the goal of the Consumer Electronics Group is to create a united front, an interrelated network of publications and Web sites, and we’re going to need an editorial director for the whole group.NEAL(mulls it over)I’d imagine that you would.IVANI just want you to know that you’ve got friends in high places.NEALThat’s good to know.IVANI just wanted you to know.NEALThanks.IVAN(turns to leave, then stops)I noticed on the editorial run-up that you’re reviewing a new inkjet printer from PixelCo.NEALThat’s right.IVANYou know, we’re trying to get them to advertise in all four publications in the Consumer Electronics Group.NEALI’m not surprised.IVANWho’s doing the review?NEALCarl coordinates all our reviews.IVANHe’s a bit of a hothead, isn’t he? I mean, he’s not much of a team player.NEALCarl? Ah, his bark is worse than his bite. But say what you want about him, whatever success we’ve enjoyed is largely due to his expertise. No one knows more about technology than Carl does.IVANSo you don’t know what kind of review he’s going to give this printer.NEALNo, I don’t...
(getting suspicious)IVANSo you don’t know how fair he’s going to be...NEALYes, I do--IVANNow, don’t get any weird ideas. I’m just saying that maybe in this case you might want to keep him from trashing the product the way he usually does.NEALHe doesn’t “trash” products. He occasionally makes a joke, but it’s not gratuitously nasty. He just has a colorful turn of phrase.IVANSometimes we need to be less colorful and more political, for the greater good.
Neal’s phone rings. He answers it. IVAN exits.IVANYou’ve got a bright future in this organization. If you play your cards right.
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ivan peeks into Brian’s office and sees that Brian is still on the phone. Ivan mills around the newsroom. George and Janice enter.
BRIAN hangs up the phone.IVANGood morning.GEORGEIf you insist.IVANRough commute?JANICEWe barely got any sleep last night.IVANOh?GEORGEMy upstairs neighbors were practicing their Olympic pogo stick routine all night. Bare wood floors are a curse from hell.JANICEYou know, it’s not too late to give them a welcome-to-the-building gift.GEORGEWhat?!JANICESure, what says, “Howdy neighbor” like re-e-e-al deep pile carpet.GEORGEHmmm…you may be on to something.
(strokes his chin)IVANI know where you’re coming from. When I lived in Los Angeles about 10 years ago, I bought a house near the beach. Very high six figures, right? Only catch was, the next door neighbor had a dog that just wouldn’t stop barking, day or night. I was pissed. That owner heard from me, all right. I—-GEORGESee, again, the gift of carpeting would have helped.JANICEYou could have rolled the dog up in it.GEORGEOr shoved carpet remnants into the dog’s mouth.JANICEOr wrapped the rug around your head when you slept, so you couldn’t hear the dog.GEORGEAh, carpeting. Is there anything it can’t do?IVANI guess not. Say, I never got the chance to tell you this, but everyone in both the Chicago and New York offices is really a fan of you guys. You do great work, you’re terrific writers, and everyone is real happy that you’re on our team.GEORGEWell, thank you, Ivan.JANICEThat’s very kind of you to say. Does that mean I could get a desk someday?IVANWe’re working on it.
Ivan walks back into Brian’s office and closes the door.BRIANIvan!IVANKeep up the good work.
INT. LOU’S PLACE - NIGHTJANICEThere’s something creepy about that guy.GEORGEI’m sure he means well.
(shrugs)
Lou’s Place, that same evening. Neal is at a table drinking a martini. He is reading a magazine. George and Janice enter and sit down.
Neal nods.NEALHey, thanks for coming. I needed to meet someplace neutral. Where’s Carl?GEORGEHe’s finishing up some stuff in the lab.JANICEWhat’s going on?GEORGELet me guess: Ivan the Terrible?
Neal beckons to the WAITER, who walks over.JANICEHe hasn’t even been here a week and he’s freaking everyone out.NEALTell me about it. Oh, hey, you guys want a drink? A martini, maybe?
He walks off with presumably an order.GEORGEI’ll have an Anchor Steam.JANICEI’ll just have a glass of whatever Chardonnay is your most buttery.GEORGE“Whatever Chardonnay is your most buttery”?! This is a way to order wine?
(laughs)JANICEI like buttery Chardonnays.GEORGEYou should watch your cholesterol. Do you have any I Can’t Believe It’s Not Chardonnay?JANICEGeorge....GEORGEForget the Anchor Steam. I’ll have whatever beer tastes the most like port wine cheese.
(to Waiter)WAITERYou guys...
Carl enters. The Waiter returns and places a glass of white wine in front of Janice and a bottle of Anchor Steam beer in front of George. He looks at Carl.NEALAll right, George and Gracie, if you’re through, I’d like to get back to the Ivan problem.GEORGEI’m not sure it’s a problem. He’s just a bit overbearing. He’s probably just as scared of us as we are of him.JANICEJust nod and smile and then fantasize about him running from the building with his head on fire.GEORGEYeah, like I do with you.
(to Neal)NEALCute. Actually, he--
The Waiter exits.WAITERThe usual?CARLYes, please.WAITERThank you.
Neal BANGS his head on the table and holds it in his hands. Carl looks at him oddly.NEALCarl, what’s your impression of the PixelCo inkjet printer?CARLOh, Christ, what a piece of crap. I could produce a better looking print by spitting out a mouthful of food coloring.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAYCARLDon’t tell me you bought one?NEALI have to go back to the office and bookmark Monster.com.CARLHuh?GEORGEThe Czar is starting to throw his weight around.CARLOh, let me guess: Ivan is courting PixelCo and he was hoping we’d give it a good review to make his life easier.JANICEThat’s the general idea.CARLWell, I’m not known for making people’s lives easier.NEALTell me about it.CARLWhat can I say, the thing blows. Look, the whole point of what it is we do is to give people what they need to make an informed decision about a piece of equipment or software. If what we tell people can be influenced by advertisers, then we’re not doing our jobs. And you can bet that pissed off readers will make our lives a living hell.NEALYou’re absolutely right.CARLWe’ve had our differences, Neal, and you know that I loathe you with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns—-NEALCarl…CARLOK, only a few hundred suns. But the point is you’ve always put the integrity of this publication above everything else. I’ve always respected that about you-—if nothing else.
(smiles to show he’s kidding)NEALI know. Thanks, Carl.CARLDon’t think I haven’t been down this road before. It never ends well.
The Cool Gadgets newsroom, two weeks later. Janice is at her table reading a copy of the magazine while Neal, Helen, and George are all in their respective offices, also reading the magazine. George finishes first and walks out to Janice’s table. They exchange worried looks.
Ivan enters, completely irate. He is holding a stack of magazines, and starts throwing issues at people. Neal emerges timidly from his office. Brian appears behind Ivan.GEORGEOh, god.JANICEHow did it happen?GEORGEI have no idea.JANICEDo you think Ivan has seen it?GEORGEWe’ll find out very shortly.IVANBrian! Neal!
(bellowing O.C.)GEORGEI’ll take that as a “yes”.
Brian, Neal, and Ivan walk into Brian’s office.BRIANWhat’s up?IVAN“What’s up”?! You and Mosley in your office. Now!
(to Brian)
INT. BRIAN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ivan SLAPS a copy of the issue on the desk noisily.
Ivan exits. Brian looks at Neal.IVANAs you may or may not be aware, Ed Portnoy is the CEO of NetWeb. NetWeb is one of the hottest new startups in a year that has been crammed full of nothing but hot start-ups. I personally have been courting NetWeb to advertise in all of the Consumer Electronics Group’s publications, but NetWeb doesn’t like our publications. Why? Because a Mr. Carl Hogarth has not given glowing reviews to his products. But I can live with that. So I asked Neal, as a favor, could we do a nice news story, perhaps an interview, with NetWeb—-and Neal agreed. He apparently conducted a lengthy interview with Mr. Portnoy, and some very good questions and answers were presented, but what I can’t figure out, for the life of me, is why on every single fucking occasion, Mr. Portnoy is referred to as Mr. Porno.BRIAN“Porno”?
(laughs)IVANYes, “Porno.” And every time Mr. “Porno” uses the phrase “I’m very excited about what’s going on” I blush visibly.BRIANWow.IVANWhat happened?!NEALThe only thing I can think of is that I accidentally agreed to accept all the spell-checker’s recommendations which, as it happened, would have involved substituting “Porno” for “Portnoy.”IVANI see. So Microsoft Word is to blame.NEALNo, I am. I take complete responsibility for this error.IVANDamn right you do.(He pauses.)I’m heading back to Chicago this afternoon. I think I’ve had about as much of this place as I can take. I’m sure everyone will be happy to see me gone.BRIANOh, I don’t know...IVANGive me a fucking break.
Brian pauses.BRIANNeal, what happened?NEALI fucked up.BRIANYou, Mr. Comma-Chaser? Neal, I’m shocked.NEALSo am I—-
(upset)BRIANI’m also fighting back...complete hysterics.NEALHuh?BRIANYou have to admit, this is pretty funny.NEALNo, it’s not.BRIANYes, it is. Look, I know Ed Portnoy. Ed never liked Carl, but it has nothing to do with anything Carl wrote. I had lunch with Ed last week and Ivan not getting NetWeb as an account has more to do with Ivan being an obnoxious prick than a dumb-ass spell-checker mistake. I’m never going to live this down, but don’t you worry about Ivan.NEALI will worry about Ivan.BRIANYou should worry about Ivan.
(gravely)NEALWhat do you know that I don’t?
At that moment, George races in and leaps into Brian’s office.NEALBrian…BRIANLook, the Ed Portnoy thing was unfortunate but it’ll blow over. Just watch your back. Ivan lives for intra-office political power-plays—-probably more than the process of actually publishing anything—-but he’s not an idiot. Just keep doing what you’re doing. He’s got everyone spooked, but now that he’s gone things can get back to normal around here.
George tosses, football-like, a foam rubber brain at Brian, who catches it.GEORGEHeads up!
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUSGEORGEWoo-hoo! Put you on the 49ers.BRIANWhy am I holding a foam rubber brain?GEORGEIt’s a promotional toy from Cerebrum Inc. Their tagline is “file transfer with Cerebrum is a no-brainer.”NEALCute.BRIANGo deep.
George backs into the main newsroom and Brian throws a Hail Mary brain pass to him. George catches it, just as Ivan enters. George looks at him awkwardly.
Ivan picks up a CD from Janice’s table and puts it in his laptop case. He glares at Brian and Neal. He shakes his head and exits.IVANDon’t you have work to do?
BRIANAnd now things are back to normal...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. COOL GADGETS BUILDING – DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Several weeks after the previous scene. Neal and George are riding in the elevator. They’re having a heated discussion.
The elevator stops, the doors open and they exit into the cool gadgets lobby.GEORGEI can’t believe this. I’ve been here two years.NEALI know that.GEORGETwo years!NEALLook, I’m on your side, really I am, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Nobody is getting a raise. Not you, not me, not Janice. No one. This comes from Chicago.
INT. LOBBY – CONTINUOUS
Neal and George walk through the lobby past TERRI who is on the phone.
They exit.GEORGEThis is crazy. Do you know what they just raised my rent to? And of course there are all the student loans I’m going to be paying off for the rest of my life.NEALHey, I didn’t pay mine off until I was 39. Welcome to reality.
TERRI
(on phone, in polite, receptionist voice)I’m sorry, sir, the Circulation Department is no longer at this number. Let me give you the new number….No, I’m sorry, they’re…No, Dave doesn’t work here anymore…Well, we’re all sorry about that…yes, let me give--…Sir, there’s nothing I can do about--
INT. NEWSROOM – DAYTERRIYo, dog, Dave ain’t here. Get a fucking clue.
(she’s had enough)
Neal and George enter the newsroom, continuing their prior conversation.
Neal is conspicuously silent. Janice is at her table. She CLICKS her mouse.GEORGEThis sucks. We were better off before Juno.
She exits in a huff. Brian comes out of his office.JANICEDamn it!NEALJanice, I need to have the New Products section by this afternoon.JANICEI would like nothing more than to give you the New Products section by this afternoon. In fact, it was at the top of my to-do list to give you the New Products section by this afternoon. Unfortunately, the population of Chicago seems determined to ensure that you don’t get the New Products section by this afternoon.
(not taking her eyes from the screen)NEALDamn, not another special assignment.JANICEWhich will only take, oh, most of the day.NEALThis is getting ridiculous. This is the fifth time this month. You’re my employee, not theirs. They do not give you assignments without going through me first.JANICEJesus, I don’t know I was anyone’s property. Get out your branding iron, you can sear your initials on my ass.
(very angry)NEALI didn’t mean it like that.JANICEWhen did I become slave labor around here? I know editorial assistant isn’t exactly a glamour job—-I mean, I don’t even have a real desk, for god’s sake. But, you know, I was actually enjoying it for a while. Then, suddenly, I have 600 new bosses and 20 times as many jobs.NEALJanice, you never told me that!JANICEWould it have made a difference?NEALOf course it would have made a difference. Janice, I—JANICEFuck off. I’m out of here.GEORGEJanice!
George exits.GEORGEI don’t know where that came from.BRIANIs everything all right between the two of you?GEORGEI thought it was.BRIANGo after her.GEORGEI have to take care of the Palm story.NEALDon’t worry about it. Go.
Carl enters, carrying a magazine.BRIANWhat is happening around here?NEALThree guesses.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYBRIANOh, this should be good. I was just wondering how this day could possibly get any worse.CARLAnd good morning to you, too.BRIANYou’re not going to complain about anything?CARLI hadn’t planned to. But if you’d like, I’m sure I can come up with something.BRIANPlease don’t.CARLI do have a question, though. This is the latest issue of Modern Electronics, and it seems like more than 70 percent of it is written by either George, Janice, or myself.NEALWell, we’re part of a network now. All of our stuff can be used wherever it’s needed.CARLAnd you don’t find it odd that Modern Electronics is increasingly being written solely by Cool Gadgets writers.NEALI’m sure you’re wrong.CARLI can count bylines as well as the next guy.NEALNot everything is bylined.CARLOh, come on, I can spot Janice’s style a million miles away. Who else uses the word “unveiled” but her?NEALWell...CARLHow many layoffs have there been in the New York office since we were acquired? How many of their freelancers get assignments anymore? And how long do you think they’re going to want to publish two versions of the same magazine? Buddy, we’re all going to be working for Modern Electronics before you know it.
The Cool Gadgets conference room, immediately after the previous scene. Janice is standing in front of the window, her back to the door.
Janice shrugs.GEORGEHey, guess what? I just read in the paper that Spock’s Beard is playing in town tomorrow night. I think the best thing for all of us is a good modern progressive rock show.JANICEThat’s right, because I’m your property, too.GEORGEThat was a bit harsh.
He exits. Janice is about to cry.GEORGEJanice, what’s wrong?JANICEHave you ever noticed that whenever we do anything, it’s because you want to do it?GEORGEThat’s not true.JANICELet’s see, how many times have we seen your weird-ass rock groups, but when I wanted to see Sheryl Crow you hands down refused.(in husky, pseudo-George voice)“She’s absolute garbage. What do you want to see her for? Please don’t drag me to that.” Like you never drag me to anything.GEORGEHow come you never brought this up before?JANICEWould it have made a difference?GEORGEYou keep saying that. Of course it would have.JANICEOh, come on. Every single time I’ve ever suggested anything, you’ve done nothing but make fun of the whole thing, like I’m kind of moron for actually enjoying certain things.GEORGEThat’s not true.JANICEYes, it is. Or any time old friends of mine are in town, you go into your super-sulk mode and embarrass the shit out of me. When your friends come to town, don’t I do my damnedest to be polite and sociable?GEORGEThat’s because you’re a much better human being than I am.JANICESee, it’s that sarcasm...GEORGEThat’s not sarcasm! I was being sincere!JANICEWhat’s really scary is that I can’t tell the difference.GEORGEWell, I’m sorry about that.
(sarcastically)JANICEAnd there it is again. The patented George Stein sarcasm.GEORGEAll right, you know what? Screw you. I really don’t need this right now, OK? Because right now, there is no way that my life doesn’t suck. OK? So being ripped a new one by you is really not high on the list of things I feel like enduring. Come back to work if you want. If you don’t, I really don’t care.
INT. LOU’S PLACE – NIGHT
Janice and her former roommate Carol are sitting at table, drinking. Janice is upset, and Carol is sympathetic.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAYJANICEAnd I just blew up at him. And then he blew up at me and that’s how we left it.CAROLWhat brought this on? I spoke to you last night and things were fine between you two.JANICEIt’s not George. It’s the whole Cool Gadgets/Juno thing. Ever since Brian sold the magazine it’s been going straight to hell.CAROLJan, listen to me: do not let job bullshit get between you and George. Remember, he’s probably going through the same thing and you should be there commiserate with each other, not take your frustrations out on each other.JANICEI know. Maybe there’s something to be said for not dating coworkers.CAROLMaybe, maybe not. All I know is George is the real thing. Letting him get away because of job-related pressures is a crime against nature.JANICEYou’re right.CAROLI know I am. But I know you and you’re not going to do anything, are you?JANICEOf course I’m going to do something. Although I utterly loathe George, I…love George.CAROLBut you’re still going to wait for him to say something first and every day that goes by without him doing that will just stick further and further in your craw until three months have gone by and you’d sooner kill him than make up with him.JANICEWhere do you get that?CAROLFrom reality. Remember Danny sophomore year? I sure do, and after the way you treated him it’s a miracle he doesn’t join the priesthood or turn gay.JANICEActually, I think he did both…CAROLSee?JANICEI’m kidding. Come on, Carol, I was 19. I’d like to think I’ve matured a little in the past four years.
The Cool Gadgets newsroom. It is several weeks after the previous scene, late morning. Brian, Neal, Helen, and Janice are all at their respective desks (or table), working. George enters carrying a mug of coffee.
George just walks by looking perplexedly at her. He sits down at his desk.JANICEMore coffee? What are you--a giant walking bladder?
(spitefully)GEORGEI—-JANICEPiss off, Urineboy.
In Helen’s office, Helen holds up a sheet of paper, gives it a puzzled look, and walks to Brian’s office.
Ivan enters. He walks into Brian’s office.HELENBrian?BRIANYes, Helen?HELENI just printed out the run-up for the next issue. Can this be right? We only have slightly more than half the number of ads we had last month. This is looking like a 36-page issue. That’s pathetic. Ad closing was yesterday. Are we still waiting on someone?BRIANNo. It’s really that pathetic.HELENBut wh—BRIANBecause we got boned, that’s why.
She exits, scowling at Ivan as she leaves.IVANWe need to talk.
(to Brian, ignoring Helen)HELENHi, Ivan.IVANHi. Brian, we need—BRIANRight. Helen, I’ll talk with you about it later. Perhaps.HELENFine.
Brian isn’t surprised, or upset, or anything. Ivan walks out to the main production room.IVANBrian, I’m not going to dick around here. I’ve been asked to let you know that you are no longer required here. Please clean out your desk and leave the building.BRIANWhat took you so long?
Ivan exits. The rest of the staff slowly ambles of out their cubicles.IVANEveryone, can I have your attention? Staff meeting in the conference room in five minutes.
(to everyone)
Janice and Neal exit. George looks into Brian’s office, Brian is packing things into a box. George walks in.GEORGEDid he just say staff meeting in five minutes?NEALYes.GEORGEOh, good, we need more meetings around here.JANICEUnlike your bellyaching, which we just can’t get enough of.GEORGEMy “bellyaching”?JANICEGod knows you never do that.
George exits. Brian picks up a large box from his desk and walks out into the production area and looks around the room wistfully. He exits.GEORGEAnd what are you doing?BRIANCleaning out my desk.GEORGEIs it time for spring cleaning already?BRIANApparently it is. I’ve been fired.GEORGEFired? They can’t fire you.BRIANSure they can. The only sticking point is that they still have to pay me for five more years. Kind of a best-of-both-worlds scenario.GEORGEThis sucks.BRIANOb-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on. You better get to your meeting.GEORGEFuck Ivan. I quit.BRIANGeorge...GEORGEI mean it. This isn’t fun anymore. First Janice breaks up with me, then a job I used to really like starts to suck.BRIANWelcome to the real world, my friend. Like it or loathe it, Juno is the way the world is, chock full of petty tyrants like Ivan staking out their fiefdoms and trying to consolidate power all the while trying to appease the bean counters who run everything.GEORGEPower? It’s a damn magazine!BRIANYou know, I tried to learn from the horrible places I’ve worked over the years and create an atmosphere where talented people could do good work. And if the magazine did well, I let all you guys—-and I mean all you guys—-share in it.GEORGEAnd we appreciated it.BRIANI thought that keeping you guys decently paid for the work you did, not being a strident taskmaster, and creating what I liked to think was a reasonably--I don’t know—-fun place to work was a good way of ensuring that you cared about what you did.GEORGEIt was. But, Brian, please tell me: why the hell did you sell the magazine? If you knew it would be like this, why did you do it?BRIANYou know, George, it seemed like the best decision at the time. And the industry trends made it seem like it would have been inevitable anyway. There aren’t too many independent magazines left. And I agree with Carl when he predicts that this economic boom is going to collapse, sooner rather than later. I thought that by putting the magazine in the hands of a large company might be the best way of ensuring that it would survive—and that you’d all survive. As unpleasant as the present situation is, that may yet end up being the case.
(pauses for a good long time)GEORGECan you buy the magazine back?BRIANI’m afraid not.
(laughs)GEORGELet’s start a new one.BRIANI can’t. There’s a non-compete clause in my contract.GEORGEDamn!BRIANLook, stick it out. Once Ivan has what he wants, I’m sure things’ll stabilize.GEORGEMaybe.BRIANNow go to your meeting.GEORGEYeah. What’s today, Thursday? We’ll take you out tomorrow night. To say goodbye. We owe you at least that.BRIANI’d like that.
DISSOLVE TO:
Next week...the thrilling conclusion--and an explanation of the title!
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