Today's movie from my Sci-Fi Box poses important questions about invisibility.
Previous movies in this series are:
She Gods of Shark Reef
Moon of the Wolf
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Queen of the Amazons
The Incredible Petrified World
The Amazing Transparent Man (1960)Auteur/Perpetrator: Edgar G. Ulmer
Star of Shame: None to speak of
Monster(s): Nothing, really
You have to admit—if you were going to make a science-fiction movie, invisibility is the most cost-effective solution. After all, what more would your special effects budget need than string?
The Invisible Man being taken, the makers of today’s film dug into their
Roget’s Thesaurus and decided that if they couldn’t use the word “invisible,” hey, “transparent” was just as good! And, in keeping with the naming conventions of these movies, they had to add some kind of hyperbolic modifier—although I’m not certain that “amazing” is the most appropriate descriptor of the movie’s transparent man; “silly,” “dorky,” or “lunk-headed,” perhaps, but certainly not all that “amazing.”
The Amazing Transparent Man was one of the lesser
Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes—such that I can’t recall a single riff from their treatment of this movie.
At any rate, as the movie opens, searchlights seek out and find the titles, and we realize that this features a no-star cast. Cool music, though. For you fontophiles, the 1960s was the heyday of Dom Casual, and while the titles don’t look entirely Dom Casual, they are a close approximation (except for the title itself, which is something else entirely). I would say it’s kind of like Dom Semi-Formal or perhaps Dom Casual Friday. I would imagine the filmmakers couldn’t afford a name-brand font. The producer credit comes on, and suddenly we get a script font—I guess this is a Lester D. Guthrie signature film. The director gets the same font treatment, although its hard to read his last name—Edgar G. Ulmer is what it apparently says. The Internet Movie Database tells us that he has directed about 50 movies, with
Beyond the Time Barrier being shot at the same time as
The Amazing Transparent Man. It also says that he is the director of the 2000 movie
Swiss Family Robinson, but this is “unconfirmed,” which is not surprising given that Ulmer died in 1974. If I were going to come back from the dead, I dare say my first order of business would not be to direct a Swiss Family Robinson movie. But I may be alone on that.
At any rate, back to our transparent movie. We start on a tight shot of a siren, and prison guards firing into the night at an escaped prisoner. There appears to be a Gatling gun atop the guard tower. Is this the 1880s? Is Charles Guiteau escaping from prison? The hounds have been released to track him; one of the dogs looks like a dachshund—is that really the best choice to chase an escaped prisoner? The escapee—whose name we will discover is Joey Faust (and absolutely nothing is made of that name, although the potential was certainly there)—runs through the woods and is picked up by a woman in an immense car. They drive in silence through the night. Faust changes into a tuxedo, which would have been my first choice upon breaking out of prison.
They are stopped by a police roadblock; Faust pretends to be a drunk husband of the woman, who claims they are returning from a party. The officer explains, “A man escaped from City Prison. This is just routine.” Hm; do people routinely break out of City Prison? Maybe they need better security than a Gatling gun and a dachshund. The driver of the car says her name is Laura Madsen and that her husband John’s license was suspended because of drunk driving. Says the kindly officer, “There’s no need to wake him. He’s had enough trouble tonight without waking up to the badge of an officer.” Or stilted, badly written dialog, either. Anyway, after that thorough inspection, the car is on its way. We then find out that Laura has broken Faust out of prison, and he doesn’t know why. “You’ll find out when we get where we’re going.” Could it be a Faustian bargain in the making? No, probably not. They drive well into the next day and turn down a dirt road which leads to what looks like Mary Tyler Moore’s apartment house. The
hired goon, Julian, is waiting for them with a shotgun. (Julian? That’s a name for a hired goon?) Julian says that the boss has been “chewin’ up the carpet for two hours.” Hopefully Laura brought back groceries, or at least new carpeting. Julian doesn’t like Faust, and there is some sort of awkward tension between them that the shotgun doesn’t really do much to assuage.
Inside, Laura introduces Faust to Major Critter (at least that’s what I think she said). “‘Major?’” asks Faust. “What army” “Oh, there have been several. Take your choice.” Huh? Nothing more is made of this very bizarre statement. Major Critter is playing with a piece of shrapnel—the one that ended his military career, offers Laura—which he keeps playing with for the entire movie. Major Critter dismisses Laura and explains why he broke Faust out of prison. “I can use you,” he says. Apparently, Faust is an expert safecracker and can open vaults. “They musta dug that shrapnel out of your head,” says Faust. “I can’t poke my nose through a bank door without getting it blown off.” Now that would be worth seeing. “You’re bitter, Faust.
Mean and bitter. You trust no one and you hate everyone. You’re the kind of man I need and understand.” I’ve seen want ads like that. Mostly in publishing. But I digress... Critter knows all about Faust’s background—apparently Faust’s wife turned him in, and Faust has a child he’s not allowed to see. This last point gets Faust’s goat. “If you ever mention my daughter’s name again, you’ll have another hole in your head, I promise you!” Well, first, Critter didn’t mention his daughter’s name, and second it was
Faust who suggested the shrapnel wound was in Critter’s head!
Major Critter is tall, thin, and noodly—he kind of looks like a lobster’s eye stalk, but with legs.
Anyway, Critter tells Faust that his job is to carry “fissionable materials.” “That’s atom bomb stuff,” says Faust. “Include me all the way out.” Well-said. Julian and the shotgun make a reappearance, changing Faust’s mind. “You know what one of these bullets will do, son?” asks Julian, rhetorically, of course. “Rip out your spine and roll it up like a ball of string.” A remarkable piece of ammunition that. Finally, Faust relents: “What’s the score, Critter?” 3-2, bottom of the ninth? No; “You work for us faithfully or we turn you over to the authorities.” A Faustian bargain? Still nope.
Critter then leads Faust up to the laboratory. Now get this. We are shortly told that this lab involves experiments in nuclear physics. So why are there lots of bubbling beakers around? Do many nuclear physics boil chemicals in beakers? Is the professor making coffee? Speaking of the professor, we are introduced to Professor Ulyov, who of course has a Russian accent.
Critter says that he is “an eminent nucular scientist.” Grrr.... Faust has heard of Ulyov, for some reason. Critter says that he was lucky to have been able to convince Ulyov to work for him. Bwa-hahahaha. Critter then suggests that Ulyov give Faust a demonstration of what they have been working on. Major Critter points out a safe whose walls are made of lead two inches thick (except that they are so
not two inches thick) and then chides the professor for leaving his toys around; “I told you to move this; it could cut through this safe like butter and the whole countryside would go up in a fireball.” Then why do you have it there? Might it not be better in, like, the basement or something? The professor then moves the offending equipment three inches to the left. Whew! That was close.
Then professor then explains what he has been doing. Hoo boy: “This is the principle of X ray but goes farther.” Huh? “X ray only pierces the outer shell of the body to show what lies beneath. This ray neutralizes all tissue and bone structure in the body.” In what way are tissue and bone
not neutralized as a matter of course? “This machine utilizes X ray, alpha, beta, and omega rays and ultraviolet, combining them for best effect and filtering out qualities that would hinder our operations.” Wow—that explained absolutely nothing. This guy must write technology company press releases. Says Faust, “Yeah.” Faust then asks why the worry about the safe? Because lead shielding doesn’t block all rays, and if the ray comes into contact with the contents of the safe, it could start a chain reaction and “fission could result.” In other words, “Boom.” Which again raises the question: if it’s so touchy, why the heck not move the safe somewhere, well, safer?
Critter and Faust then withdraw into a heavy lead-lined vault or control room while the professor takes a guinea pig out of its cage and straps it to the table under the ray-generating machine. “It’s not going to hurt,” the professor tells the rodent. Then why is everyone hiding in a lead-lined room? There is a fair amount of padding as the professor flips switches and solders two orbs together for reasons passing understanding. He then also withdraws into the lead
room, turns his apparatus on, and we watch as the guinea pig becomes invisible. Actually, it’s kind of a cool effect, as first the fur, skin, then bones go. Then everyone comes out and the actors get the chance to pet empty air to prove the guinea pig is invisible—I mean, transparent. “Dr. Ulyov has perfected the ray to the point where there is no danger to the subject.” Then, again, why does everyone hide in a lead box? The professor then makes the guinea pig visible again.
“A mechanism like this has unlimited possibilities,” says Major Critter. Actually, it seems to have possibilities that are quite limited: namely, to turning things invisible. Critter then suggests that Faust must be tired. Faust concurs, but first he is inexplicably drawn to a closed door at the opposite end of the lab. “What’s in here?” he asks. Critter then says, in a panicked
voice, “It’s no concern of yours.” Hmm...seems suspicious to me. He could have simply said “Oh, it’s just a closet,” but no he had to go get all Bluebeard. The professor then, left alone, reflectively pets the guinea pig.
Some time later, Major Critter is about to go out and instructs Julian—still clutching his shotgun rather like a security blanket—to keep an eye on Faust. “He’s dangerous and locks mean nothing to him.” Unlike the rest of us, who bow down and genuflect before every lock we encounter. Critter leaves, and Julian stands (well, sits anyway) guard outside Faust’s room. Someone thoughtfully left a bottle of booze in Faust’s room, so he gets up and pours himself a glass. For some reason, he then starts rubbing the glass on the back of the door. This attracts Julian’s attention, and I guess really bugs him because he insists that Faust knock it off. He then opens the door and, surprise!, is bonked on the head by Faust, knocked unconscious, and tied up. He’s not a very good hired goon.
Faust grabs the shotgun and instead of leaving the house, goes upstairs to the lab. He calls Ulyov’s name, but gets no response. Locks mean nothing to him, of course, so he starts to pick the lock of the Forbidden Door. The barely audible scraping of the lock wakes the professor, whereas loudly calling his name didn’t disturb him. “I came up to see you,” says Faust to the professor. “You seem to the only one around here who isn’t a member of Critter’s fan club.” He also seems to be one of the
only people around there at all! So what’s the professor’s story? Why is he working for Major Critter? “My daughter,” says the professor. “He’s holding her.” He gestures toward the Forbidden Door. “In that cheesebox?” says Faust. Cheesebox? “Just get her out!” He has a point. Apparently, Ulyov fled Europe after World War II with his baby daughter, and his wife had died as a result of experiments he had been forced to perform while in a concentration camp (so...is he German or Russian, then?). When he fled to the U.S., no none knew he was a scientist “except spies like Critter.” He was a spy? I thought he was a major. Anyway, long story short: if the professor doesn’t do what Critter wants, his daughter will be killed.
The professor then looks hopefully at the locked door. “You indicated that you could open it.” Locks mean nothing to Faust, after all. “Not now, Doc, I’ve got problems.” What?! Suddenly he’s too busy to pick a lock? Don’t tell me locks are starting to mean something to him. “Please, Mr. Faust. Free my daughter and take her to some safe place.” “Knock it off, Doc. I’ve got my own troubles.” Jeepers,
he was the one who went up there. What a dink. “Then you can’t open it?” “I could open that thing blindfolded.” Which he then proceeds to do. Man, this guy’s mood swings are like Foucault’s pendulum.
But of course,
boop! Laura shows up in a frilly nightgown with a gun. “Downstairs, Faust. And please try not to be amusing.” Huh? Is he ever? “Good night, Dr. Ulyov,” says Laura, in a tone that insists that he’d better have a good night.
Downstairs, Faust stands and laughs. Why? “For a dame that’s supposed to be so greedy, you don’t know a thing about playing a hole card. Did you ever think how much that ray’d be worth to a guy who wanted to rob a bank? With that thing I could get into every vault in the country in broad daylight.” It seems like this idea never occurred to anyone before. He then tries to bargain with her. A Faustian bargain at last? Not really, no. She seems interested in his proposition. At that point, Julian comes out of the bedroom and whacks Faust over the head. Yes! I’m glad
someone finally did it. Julian had overheard their conversation....Laura is worried that he took her seriously. She then tries to bargain with Julian, who is happy now that he is clutching his shotgun again. A Faustian bargain? Still no. There is a knock at the door—Critter is back after having left only five minutes earlier. They live in the middle of nowhere. It takes that long just to get to the end of the driveway. Where could he have gone to and returned from in such a short period of time?
Faust is awake and seems to be suddenly in cahoots with Laura. Julian lies to Critter. The wheels are coming off the wagon.
The next morning, Critter confronts Laura, slapping her. Julian had confessed all the details of the previous evening, and he hates being double-crossed. He then slaps her again. “And lay off the wodka.” Wodka? Is he Chekov all of a sudden?
Upstairs, the professor puts Faust under the ray. Critter and Laura are there to watch. And away he goes into transparency. No one seems to anticipated that once invisible he would be difficult to see. “It’s Faust—he’s here,” says Laura. Well, yeah. No one also seems to have anticipated that once invisible he could easily beat the crap out of Critter. Faust then insists that Critter will owe him lots of money for his cooperation. They go downstairs and talk it over. A Faustian bargain? Nope.
Critter claims that he doesn’t have the money to pay Faust what he wants. So robbing banks never occurred to Critter? An attack of ethics? I mean, his whole plan was to have Faust break into a nuclear power plant and steal fissionable materials. All the radiation must have screwed up his moral compass.
That night, hijinks abound as Faust, invisible—er, I mean, transparent—sneaks into a nuclear power plant (or something), beats up a guard (who does an admirable job of throwing himself around), and steals a container of...something. Ever notice how people’s footsteps are so much louder when they’re invisible? It must be for the same reason that noises always sound louder at night.
Now, cut to an unidentified office. It says “Security” on the door—is it the nuclear power plant’s security department? Dunno. Anyway, a dead ringer for John F. Kennedy is grilling the two guards and barely believes their story. Kennedy says, “Before this decade is out, we will discover who stole the X13.”
That scene peters out, and we are back in the lab, where the professor points out that there is a problem with the guinea pig: it is taking more time to make it invisible—er, I mean transparent—and less time to return it to full opacity. It is, it would seem, building up an immunity to transparency. “What about Faust?” asks Critter. “It is too soon to tell. He will also build up a resistance.” Critter then asks about the new stuff they just stole—the “X13.” “I need more time to study it. It has different properties than other nuclear materials. I do not like keeping it here.” Oh, so the safe that could level the countryside is perfectly fine? Where did they get this guy?
Critter mulls it over and keeps playing with his shrapnel. He then says that the professor will use the X13 on Faust, that he must know the full potential of the professor’s invention. And now we learn what Critter is up to: “My aim is to make an entire army invisible.” Oh, I see, that’s—huh?!? “I did not agree to kill a man by deliberate radiation poisoning,” protests the professor. Critter laughs. “You’re too old-fashioned to be a genius.” What the heck is that supposed to mean? The professor digs in his heels and refuses to use the X13. Until Critter ambles over to the Forbidden Door. He keeps playing with his shrapnel.
Downstairs, Faust has made himself at home and is sucking down a glass of wodka and rhapsodizing about how great the transparency ray is for would-be bank robbers. “You’d better lay off the giggle water,” says Laura. Giggle water? How much had the screenwriter been drinking?
Major Critter comes down and gives Faust his next assignment: breaking into a vault in broad daylight, as security on the night shifts has been tripled. How many nuclear labs are around there, anyway? It’s a good thing they are located in the heart of Nuclear Valley, I guess.
Faust is brought upstairs and zapped into transparency again—using the X13. However, the professor has a crisis of conscience, and can’t pull the switch. So Critter does instead.
Laura then drives a transparent Faust into town. She is having a crisis of conscience. “Stop running Critter’s errands. Let’s not get any more involved.” Huh? Jeez, talk about fickle. Anyway, Faust announces a change of plan. They are not going to the nuclear lab but rather to rob a bank instead. Laura thinks that is even dottier. He promises her 40% of the loot. A Faustian bargain? Um...no. Faust points out that he can’t open the door or people will get suspicious, so he climbs out (it’s a convertible). As he does so, the car bounces up and down like those low-riders on Crenshaw Blvd. in L.A. Apparently, when transparent, he weighs 800 pounds.
At the bank, a doddering old security guard, arms akimbo, notices the glass doors opening of their own accord. A transparent Faust ambles into the vault, steals what looks like about $100, and walks out. The guard notices a floating bag of money, and moves to grab it. Faust then smacks him. Unfortunately, Faust at that moment starts to become
visible. Doh! He then draws a gun (wait—why had the gun been invisible? Was it on him when he was transparentized?) and beats cheeks out of the bank. Everyone gets a good look at him. He and Laura drive off briskly back to the ranch.
Meanwhile, at the Security office (where is this?), JFK is taking a statement from a woman at the bank who witnessed the robbery. She leaves, and JFK points out that everyone at the bank identified Faust as the robber. JFK’s assistant says, “What can we do? A man makes himself invisible...locks mean nothing to him...” They’re certainly blasé about the whole thing. And, well, locks meant nothing to him
before he was invisible. The assistant continues, “He did take the X13. What can we do to stop him?” “Nothing,” says JFK. Well, OK, first, how did they make the leap from “stealing X13” to “the guy can make himself invisible”? And I would think there are lots of things one could do to stop him. For example, if they see a floating object, like a sack of money, shoot at it. Even if invisible, he can presumably still be shot.
Laura and Faust drive back to the house, but Faust can’t go inside unless he’s invisible—for some reason. Meanwhile, inside, Critter and Julian are listening to KPLOT, the plot-specific radio station that has the full story of the bank robbery. Critter is upset; he doesn’t like being double-crossed. Critter is apparently in the process of moving his base of operations; everything he owns fits into two suitcases which he instructs Julian to take outside. On the road, Laura begs Faust to flee with her, so they can start over. A Fausti— oh, never mind.
Faust gives her her share of the loot, then decides to leave. He then abruptly turns transparent and heads toward the house.
Critter is in the lab with the professor, still playing with that damn shrapnel. He is instructing the professor what to take and what to leave. The professor is not leaving; he has decided to stay. Critter tries to console him about what went wrong with the transparency ray; “we’ll figure it out in the new location; an invisible army would be worth billions!” It would? Critter then announces he is taking the professor’s daughter Marie with him. He unlocks the Forbidden Door, and Marie comes out. She is quite handsomely attired and quite cheerful
considering she’s been locked in a windowless room for several years. An invisible Faust storms in and locks Critter in Marie’s room, and wants to know why he keeps appearing and disappearing. The professor doesn’t know, and insists that he will only help Faust if he whisks him and his daughter away.
Outside, Julian—shotgun ever in hand—captures Laura and brings her inside. They run into Faust, the professor, and Marie. Laura then confronts Julian: “You believe what he old you about your son being alive and in a prison in Europe?...You’re a fool; your son’s dead, Julian.” Julian swallows this a bit too readily, and relinquishes his beloved shotgun. Man, everyone in the movie has offspring problems.
Everyone leaves the house. Then professor accosts Faust: “You know what Critter is after? An invisible army so he can invade your country.”
That was Critter’s plan all along? Good grief. It turns out that the professor is dying of radiation poisoning—and so is Faust. “You have weeks, perhaps days, to live.” Funny—the guinea pig was zapped how many times and is fine. “Thank about what he is doing to your country.” That doesn’t get the professor anywhere so he tries appealing to Faust’s child. “Is that the kind of world you want for your child?” A world where bozos try to create invisible armies? What are the odds of success anyway? That seems to change Faust’s mind. “How long do I have left?” “A month. No more.” I thought he had weeks, if not days? Is the professor just making this up as he goes along? The professor then walks up to his daughter and utters the money quote: “There is a man who has unlocked every door—except the one to his own soul. Now he has the key.” Waka waka. But, you know, locks mean nothing to Faust.
Still, Faust charges back into the house. After all that gabbing, it took Critter that long to realize he could shoot the lock on the door. Laura is still locked in the bedroom; Faust releases her. Critter runs downstairs and starts shooting at Faust, hitting Laura; Faust grabs the
shotgun and chases Critter upstairs. Now get this: Critter has a gun. So what does he do? He lies in wait for Faust to walk upstairs, then hits him in the arm with a bottle of acid. Why not just shoot the guy? They beat the crap out of each other for a while, and, Faust knocked to the floor, Critter starts futzing with the ray. He opens
the safe and takes out the Real Bad Stuff. Faust jumps up and starts strangling Critter—who screams like a girl. We zoom in on the container of Real Bad Stuff that fell out of the safe, and cut to a mushroom cloud.
Some time later, the two guys from the mysterious Security room—who introduce themselves as “Drake and Smith, Security”—drive up to a police roadblock. They are not allowed any further, as there is “too much fallout.” The JFK guy takes out a pair of binoculars and stares at the scene where Critter’s house used to be. Workmen are bustling about wooden wreckage with Geiger counters. However, those are remarkable binoculars he has; they automatically cut to several different shots while he is looking through them. Drake (the JFK guy) walks over to a car, where the professor is in the backseat (but wasn’t he right in front of the house when it exploded?). “Well,” he says, “you and your friends succeeded in blowing up half the county.” I guess it’s not a very big county. “There isn’t enough left out there to make ashes.” Yes there is! We just saw it though your magic binoculars.
And what does the professor say? “I’m deeply sorry, of course.” Ah, that’s all right. We didn’t like this county very much anyway. “I warned Major Critter of the dangers. But he was the product of a deranged mind. All he could think about was the creation of an invisible army, and the power such a force would give him.” “This idea of an invisible army is quite interesting,” says JFK. Not in this movie it wasn’t. “Perhaps it would be better if we let the secret die with Major Critter and Joey Faust. It’s a serious problem.” I’m sure. He then looks directly into the camera: “What would
you do?” The End. What?
Me? What would
I do? I didn’t know there was going to be a quiz. I wasn’t paying attention. Um...false. True. A! None of the above! 63! Pass!
Well, let’s see. If I were to possess the secrets of invisibility—or transparency—what would I do? Firstly, I would certainly stay away from the silly “invisible army” idea. Just the logistics alone would be a colossal headache. How could you tell when anyone was AWOL? Secondly, I think there would be better ways of resolving the problem than blowing up an entire county. Sure, there was no one actually living in that county, but I liked the house. Maybe I’d use a neutron bomb, but certainly nothing thermonuclear. Thirdly, I’d definitely move the safe with the highly fissionable materials to the basement, a potting shed, horse barn, or somewhere far from the ray that could detonate it. Fourthly, I’d avoid blackmailing lunk-headed ex-cons into doing my dirty work; that never works out. Fifthly, if I were going to name my lead character “Faust,” I’d have the reference pay off in some way. And lastly, I’d make sure that locks meant something to me.
Bob Mould
