Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Mass Medea

One of the last shows I ever remember watching regularly (or as regularly as I can manage) in prime time was the late great "Sports Night" (1998-2000), created and almost entirely written by Aaron Sorkin, who later created "The West Wing" and, decidedly less successfully, "Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip." Anyway, I think he's a great screenwriter and at some point (after watching the "Sports Night" DVDs about 80 times) I started developing a low-rent version of his dialogue style, which isn't necessarily realistic, but I like it a lot.

At any rate, one of my experiments in this vein was a comedy-drama feature-length screenplay called Mass Medea, a tale of the rise and fall of a technology magazine during the Internet boom. Since it's 130 pages, I'll only post bits of it at a time so as to not give Blogger a nervous breakdown.

"Mass Medea"
An Original Screenplay

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

As TITLES run, various shots of the skyline of San Francisco. As TITLES end,

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. JANICE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT

DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JANICE’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

JANICE FRANKEN, 22, lives in a small, two-bedroom apartment. It has that certain appealingly disheveled just-graduated-from-college look to it. It is about 6 a.m. The TELEVISION is on, tuned to CNBC.
NEWSCASTER
(on TV)
...Could the Dow hit 20,000--or even higher—sometime during 1999? That’s the contention of a new book, Dow 36,000, co-written by James Glassman, economics columnist for the Washington Post.
Janice pads out of the bedroom wearing a ratty bathrobe and a pair of slippers. She has obviously not slept much of the night.
NEWSCASTER (CONT’D)
(on TV)
The basic argument of the book is that in this new economy, stocks are no riskier than bonds in the long term and should be priced accordingly...
As she passes the front door on her way to the kitchen, it opens and her roommate, CAROL, 22, enters. She is just getting home from work.
CAROL
Why is there half a mouse on the doormat?

JANICE
Another love offering from Chuck and Bob’s cat is my guess.

CAROL
Jesus, it’s nature red in tooth and claw in here.

JANICE
Are you just getting in?

CAROL
Whatever gave you that idea?
Carol shuts the door.
JANICE
Give me a break. I got exactly one hour of sleep last night.

CAROL
Why? Did Wild Kingdom out there keep you up?

JANICE
I’m starting a new job today.

CAROL
Really? I could never have guessed, especially given how you’ve been obsessing about it all week.

JANICE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It took forever for me to get this job. I’m nervous about it.

CAROL
What magazine is it again? Dork Monthly?

JANICE
Bite me.

CAROL
We’re in the middle of the biggest economic boom in the history of this country, we’re living right in the epicenter of it, and leave it to you to be the only person in San Francisco who takes six months to find a job.

JANICE
Hey, that guy on Market Street last night didn’t have a job.

CAROL
Well, that’s because he couldn’t go five minutes without yelling at the top of his lungs about impending Armageddon. You didn’t do that on any of your job interviews, did you?

JANICE
Damn! That’s why the job hunt took so long.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BAY BRIDGE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT

Traffic is backed up and unmoving on the Bay Bridge. Among the traffic is a silver Lexus.

DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NEAL’S CAR - DAY

The driver of the silver Lexus is NEAL MOSLEY, 38. He is talking on a cellphone.
NEAL
(on phone)
Yes, I know I shouldn’t be talking while driving but I’m not driving. I’m sitting. A truck filled with garlic overturned. The Bay Bridge is blocked by five tons of garlic bulbs. It’s like an Emeril fantasy out here...I told you, I have to go to Oakland to pick up some scans. We have to get the issue to the printer today...if I ever get off this goddamn bridge!...No, honey, sorry. You know how I get when I’m stuck in traffic....No, that road rage incident was a complete fluke. Who knew that guy could read lips?....No, I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll probably be in the office until late. You know the drill.
(He cranes his neck to see up the road.)
Actually, it’s entirely possible I’ll be stuck on this bridge until late...
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GEORGE’S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT

George lives in a Tales of the City-like apartment house. Lots of stairs, lots of vegetation.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GEORGE’S BEDROOM - DAY

The apartment is only slightly more upscale than Janice’s. The bedroom is that of a 20-something single male. GEORGE STEIN, 25, is sound asleep in bed, despite the fact that a boombox next to the bed is blaring LOUD MUSIC (Spock’s Beard’s “Day for Night.”) There is a THUD on the ceiling above him that is just barely audible above the music, but it wakes George nonetheless.
GEORGE
Not again...
He gets up and walks out to the kitchen.

INT. GEORGE’S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

There is a full pot of coffee already brewed on he counter. George pours himself a mug and stands at the kitchen sink staring into space blankly. He catches a glimpse of the clock, which says “8:27.” He starts and does a spit-take.
GEORGE
Shit!
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CALTRAIN - DAY

CARL HOGARTH, 42, is sitting on a moderately crowded Caltrain train as it RUMBLES down the track. Next to him is a very-early-20-something man on a cellphone. Carl tries to read a book, but ANNOYING CELLPHONE MAN’s conversation keeps distracting him.
ANNOYING CELLPHONE MAN
(on phone)
What does Victor think? Can we get Pullman to kick in the VC money we need?...But that’s crazy...No, look, I want to IPO by...I don’t care how unreasonable you think that is, I think it makes perfect sense. The infrastructure is nearly in place, the servers are humming, and aside from that one software glitch, which Rohit fixed, we have no problems. The spinning logo looks great, the animation is dynamic, and the site design is top-notch. I think we’re cooking with Crisco here....
Carl, trying to read his book, has been growing ever more visibly frustrated. The “Crisco” comment elicits a bemused/confused expression.
ANNOYING CELLPHONE MAN (CONT’D)
(on phone)
What’s the latest on the UPS question?...Well, where is she? Why isn’t...This should have been resolved last week...I mean, if we’re going to get sofas-and-sleepers.com off the ground, I need to know how much UPS will charge us to ship a couch....
Carl is unable to stifle a laugh, which attracts the attention of Annoying Cellphone Man. Carl pretends it was something he read, despite the fact that the book he’s reading is “The Complete Techie’s Guide to Red Hat Linux.”

The train stops, and accepts and discharges a complement of passengers. One of the boarding passengers is a HOMELESS GUY, with long greasy grayish black hair and a thick beard. Annoying Cellphone Man dials a new number.
ANNOYING CELLPHONE MAN
(on phone—and loudly)
Carol! It’s Martin! Look I need the UPS question answered now!
Carl stands and offers Homeless Guy his seat. Homeless Man sits down. Annoying Cellphone Man wrinkles his nose, and looks over at Homeless Guy. Carl smiles mischievously as he walks to the other end of the train.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COOL GADGETS OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT

The Cool Gadgets building is a not especially new building in San Francisco’s SOMA district.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BRIAN’S OFFICE - DAY

BRIAN MORSE, 44, is sitting at his desk. He is talking to ED over a speakerphone.
BRIAN
Ed, Brian.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
Good morning, Brian. What’s new on the Left Coast?

BRIAN
Not much...yet. We’re shipping the issue to the printer tonight, so it’ll be a long day.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
Thanks for reminding me. I’ll make it a point not to call Neal today.

BRIAN
That would be advisable. Ed, I just wanted to let you know that Katz Software is having a press event at the Hilton in Midtown. Once again, they forgot to put you on the list, but I cleared your credentials with Jackie. So if you just show up you’ll be fine.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
Well, I’ve only been your East Coast editor for a year, and Katz’s PR guy is dumber than a bag full of hammers. What time?

BRIAN
2:00 your time.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
I’ll be there. Katz always hires the best caterers.

BRIAN
Gracias.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
By the way, I’m having e-mail problems this morning, so if you need me, the phone is the best option.

BRIAN
Gotcha.
(suddenly remembers something)
Oh, shit!

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
It’s not my fault. Blame Bell Atlantic.

BRIAN
No, I forgot to fix the server before Neal gets in. Gotta go.

ED
(O.C., on speakerphone)
I hear you. Ciao.
Brian clicks off the speakerphone and dashes out of his office.

INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

The Cool Gadgets reception area is opposite the elevator, which opens, and Janice exits. She is dressed formally. She walks through a set of glass doors to the reception area, which looks clean, sterile, and corporate. Behind the reception desk on the wall is a large framed poster of the debut issue of the magazine, and elsewhere on the walls are various framed magazine covers, interior pages, and so forth. On the reception desk are several loose copies of the latest issue. As Janice approaches the tall reception desk, she can’t see anyone behind it.
The phone rings and the as-yet-unseen Terri answers it. She is very polite, and her voice sounds like that of a professional receptionist.
TERRI
(O.C., on phone)
Good morning, Cool Gadgets....Circulation? One moment, please.
TERRI, 19, stands up. She has fluorescent pink hair, a variety of piercings (ear, nose, lip, and tongue), and wears a white tank top that shows off her many tattoos, the most prominent of which reads “Michelle” in a large heart. She startles Janice—in a variety of ways.
TERRI
(yelling off to her left)
Dave, dog! Line 1!
Terri looks at Janice.
TERRI
May I help you?

JANICE
Um, yes. I’m Janice Franken. I’m looking for Neal Mosley. I’m his new...

TERRI
Right...you’re the new meat.

JANICE
Sorry?
From the left comes DAVE, who looks to be the male counterpart of Terri—he is also in his late teens, but has vibrant blue hair. He has no piercings, but his cutoff shorts display an array of tattoos on his legs.
DAVE
That guy was pissed because his issue was a day late. Like I can control the fucking Post Office.

TERRI
Dave, this is Janice, Neal’s new victim. Janice, this is Dave, the circulation director.

DAVE
You’re working for Neal? Man, you have my sympathy.

TERRI
I’m Terri, by the way.

JANICE
Hi. Um, what happened to Neal’s previous assistant?

DAVE
Just cracked up. The guys in white coats had to come get him. Last I heard he’s in some nuthouse down the coast.
Janice begins to catch on that he’s joking and smiles nervously.
DAVE
Seriously, though, good luck.

JANICE
Thanks. Where is...

TERRI
(pointing to the left)
The newsroom? Head that way, take your first left and then the next left. You can’t miss it.

JANICE
Thanks.
Janice heads right.

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

Cool Gadgets magazine’s main editorial and production newsroom is a large open room, the back of which is lined with three adjacent offices. There is a large round table in the center of the room, which at the moment, is piled high with papers, magazines, random pieces of computer hardware, and boxes of software. Off the left side of the newsroom is Brian’s office. On the far right is one of those Staples-like pre-fab computer desks atop which sits a computer—the company’s server. The newsroom is a bit shabby and run-down—“lived in” might be a better term—in contrast to the slick cleanliness of the reception area.

Brian’s legs protrude from under the server desk. His head and torso cannot be seen. He is noodling with cables.

Janice enters from the right and walks past Brian. No one else is around, and she looks around confusedly. She walks over to Brian’s office, pokes her head inside, sees no one, and walks back through the room. She spies Brian’s legs and stops.
JANICE
Excuse me…
Brian starts and loudly bumps his head on the underside of the computer table.
BRIAN
Shit! Ow!
Brian emerges and struggles to his feet, rubbing his head.
JANICE
(horrified)
Oh, Mr. Morse, I’m so sorry. This isn’t a very auspicious way to begin my first day.

BRIAN
The first thing I’m going to do is put a bell around your neck.
He goes straight to the computer and begins clicking the mouse.
BRIAN
Aha! The network is back. Neal will be so happy.
Janice watches him, unsure of what to do or say next.
BRIAN
(turning to her)
Janice, right?

JANICE
Yes, I-

BRIAN
You’re the new editorial assistant Neal just hired.

JANICE
(sheepishly)
Well, I don’t know for how much longer…

BRIAN
(rubbing his head)
Ah, don’t worry about that.
(He extends his hand.)
Brian Morse, publisher of Cool Gadgets magazine.

JANICE
(shaking his hand)
Janice Franken, editorial assistant.

BRIAN
Yes, I know.
(He turns back to the computer and starts clicking the mouse again. They speak as he works.)
Sorry for being so distracted, but if the network isn’t working by the time Neal gets in he’ll kill me.
(He clicks some more.)
So…are you new to San Francisco?

JANICE
Pretty new. I’m from Perth.

BRIAN
Perth? Australia?

JANICE
New York. It’s a very small town in upstate New York. Near Albany. I went to school in Albany.

BRIAN
I don’t know if I’ve ever been to Albany. I’ve been to—what’s that city that’s the capital of New York?

JANICE
That would be Albany.

BRIAN
(stops)
Really?

JANICE
Yes.

BRIAN
You’re sure about that?

JANICE
Extremely sure, yes.

BRIAN
Syracuse! I thought it was Syracuse.

JANICE
It’s not.

BRIAN
Really?

JANICE
The signs in Albany that say “Capital Buildings Next Exit” are a pretty good clue.

(Brian turns to face her and gives a faint smile.)

BRIAN
Sassing the publisher already, are you? And after you make him smack his head on a computer desk, too.

JANICE
(mortified)
I’m sorry, I didn’t…

BRIAN
Relax. You’ve got attitude—-you’ll need that around here. I don’t know that we’ve found you a desk yet. Here--
(He motions to the round table)
I guess we could put you here for the time being. I’ll just clear away some of this crap.
He begins stacking things under the table.

George enters. He trudges slowly and is not quite awake.
GEORGE
Today is not going to be a good day.

BRIAN
(mock-perkily)
Good morning, George.

GEORGE
Bite me hard.

BRIAN
Rough night?

GEORGE
I got exactly two hours of sleep, thanks to my horrible upstairs neighbors.

BRIAN
Ah, the Dutch couple.

JANICE
You have a Dutch couple living above you?

GEORGE
I assume they’re Dutch.

JANICE
You heard them speaking Dutch?

BRIAN
Oh, boy….

GEORGE
Wooden shoes!

BRIAN
(laughs)
What a great set up!

GEORGE
(not laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JANICE
(a bit embarrassed, but amused nonetheless)
I take it they’re loud?

GEORGE
Not only are they, by the sound of it, world-champion clog dancers, but last night—all night—they were practicing for what I can only assume to be the finals in the large metallic orb dropping competition.

JANICE
(laughs)
Orb dropping?

GEORGE
It would have to be! I laid there for hours trying to think of what in the world they could possibly be doing, and that was all I could come up with.

BRIAN
Orb dropping.

GEORGE
Metallic orb dropping.

BRIAN
I see.

GEORGE
So today’s going to be a complete blow-off.

BRIAN
We do have to get the issue done by midnight. If I remember correctly, you still have that interview with Camilla Dane from Webcorp to get into Neal.

GEORGE
Shit, you’re right. Can I punt?

BRIAN
Hey, I’m happy to sell another ad and put it there, but Neal might have something to say about it. Unless I’m mistaken, he’s playing up the interview on the cover.

GEORGE
Yeah, it’s big juju. She never talks to anyone, preferring to live some kind of Howard Hughes-like existence. He might want me to finish it.

BRIAN
By the way, this is Janice. Neal’s new assistant.

GEORGE
Oh, right, glad to meet you. Welcome to the jungle.
(He shakes her hand, then turns and shambles over to his office.)
Is there coffee?

BRIAN
Is the Pope Catholic?

GEORGE
(dropping his backpack on his desk and returning to the center of the room)
That’s always been my assumption but I can’t say anything for certain at the moment.
George exits. Neal enters hurriedly.
NEAL
Sorry I’m late.

BRIAN
Neal, you were here until 1:30 last night. I’m going to complain because you come in at 9:20?
Neal darts into his office, drops his briefcase on his chair, and straightens his tie. He returns to the center of the room.
NEAL
I had to pick up a CD-ROM with some scans from a service bureau in Oakland and naturally traffic was backed up on the Bay Bridge.
(to Janice)
You must be Janice.

JANICE
Yes, um, good morning.

NEAL
Right. As soon as I get settled I’ll show you what I need you to do this morning. Brian, what’s the network situation? Do we have our DSL back up?

BRIAN
All systems go.

NEAL
Fine, thank you.
Neal disappears back into his office.
BRIAN
(to Janice)
I’ll leave you to it, then. Good luck.

JANICE
(somewhat nervously)
Thanks.
Brian retires to his office. Janice finishes clearing off the table that is to be her desk. George ambles back in holding a large mug of coffee.
GEORGE
Is this where Neal is putting you?

JANICE
I guess so. That’s what Brian said.

GEORGE
We’ll get you a real desk before long. This is a hectic time of month.

JANICE
That must explain why Neal seems so…

GEORGE
Psycho? Nah, he’s always like that.

JANICE
(now even more nervous)
That’s reassuring.

GEORGE
Don’t be nervous. Neal’s a good a guy. He just takes some getting used to.
Neal emerges from his office.
NEAL
We have got to get a new messenger service. I called them at 8:30 to pick this up and they said they couldn’t get out to Oakland until noon. That’s completely unacceptable.
HELEN RUTHERFORD, 57, enters.
HELEN
Oh, dear, has there been another problem with Quicksilver Messengers?

GEORGE
They’ve got mercury poisoning, apparently.

HELEN
Aren’t we the wit this morning?

NEAL
You’ve been complaining about the messenger service?

HELEN
If Jesus Christ were alive, he would complain about the messenger service. Now, I’m going to get final text for the Tech Update department by 10 o’clock, right?

NEAL
Yes.

HELEN
And are the scans for the PDA feature on the production server?

NEAL
I put them there last night. And you’ll also get first-pass pages back in 15 minutes.

HELEN
That’s what I like to hear.
Helen continues on to her office.
GEORGE
I like that. Quick, decisive action.

NEAL
Where’s my Webcorp story?

GEORGE
(spins toward his office)
On the editorial server in 20 minutes.
George heads to his desk.
NEAL
(points to Janice)
Now, Janice, what I’m going to have you do is proofread pages.

JANICE
OK.
Neal looks at the table that Janice had been clearing.
NEAL
Where did they go?

JANICE
Um—

NEAL
(starting to freak out)
They were on this table. Helen had printed them out last night. They were right here. Where did everything that was on this table go?

JANICE
Brian was clearing a place for me to sit.

NEAL
(sighs heavily)
Jesus fucking Christ, this place—Could people leave things where I put them. The more I try to keep things organized, the more chaotic it gets.
Janice is now completely terrified, and looks down at one of the piles that Brian had put on the floor. She picks them up.
JANICE
These look like page proofs.

NEAL
(grabbing them)
Ah, yes. Great.
(He puts them on the table in front of her.)
Now, these are pages from the issue were working on. Read through them and mark any typos, misspellings, punctuation errors, things like that When you’re done, please give them to Helen.

JANICE
Right.

NEAL
Oh, and they need to be done—

JANICE
In 15 minutes?

NEAL
Right. Thanks.
He heads to his office and sits at his computer, his back to the door. Janice sits down and looks at the pages in front of her. She seems confident and starts making marks.

INT. NEAL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

JEAN ROSSI, 41, enters hurriedly. She is holding a sheet of paper. She KNOCKS on Neal’s door. Their exchange is mock-combative—with Neal a tad less mock than Jean.
JEAN
Neal...

NEAL
(spinning around)
Jean...Shit, don’t tell me...

JEAN
Don’t freak out...

NEAL
Don’t fucking tell me...

JEAN
I have a change to the run-up. Page 38--

NEAL
Not again.

JEAN
Page 38--

NEAL
Jean, the point of giving me a run-up a week before production begins is so that I know how many ad pages there are and how many editorial pages I can have.

JEAN
Yes, having been a managing editor for almost 10 years, I’m vaguely aware of how the magazine publishing process works.

NEAL
If you’re going to change the run-up less than 12 hours before we go to press, why do we bother with it in the first place?

JEAN
And why do people drive yellow cars?

NEAL
(shakes his head, bewildered)
What?

JEAN
There are many questions that defy easy answers. Anyway, page 38 now has a half-page horizontal ad.

NEAL
So I lose 500 words of Mark’s feature.

JEAN
Apparently, yes.

NEAL
And that page was done, too. I love doing the same thing 50 times.

JEAN
Just think how good you’ll be at it.

NEAL
You’re going to be no help at all today, are you?

JEAN
(smiles)
When am I ever?

NEAL
Good point. Let me go repair the damage you’ve inflicted.
Neal dashes out of his office and into George’s.

INT. GEORGE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
NEAL
George, I need you to go into the Edited Text folder and cut 500 words from Mark’s feature. Let Helen know when you’re done.

GEORGE
Gotcha.
Neal dashes into Helen’s office. Jean follows him.

INT. HELEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
NEAL
Helen, page 38 is now a half page.

JEAN
FPO image is on the ad server. File is called “New Horizon.”

HELEN
Thanks.

NEAL
We’re going to be 500 words long on Mark’s feature. George is cutting it. Please add our “Web Extra” box at the end of the article. You can pick it up from page 56 of last month’s issue.

HELEN
No problem.

NEAL
Thanks.
(to JEAN)
See? You think you can screw up my magazine? Hah!
Jean sticks her tongue out at him.
HELEN
Can you people go away now?
They all disperse to their respective offices.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINIOUS

Carl enters and walks into Brian’s office.

INT. BRIAN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Carl sits own on a chair in front of Brian’s desk and watches Brian have a phone conversation. Carl is holding a camera. As Brian talks, Carl is playing with the camera, examining its features, etc.
BRIAN
(on phone)
What does the rate card say?... Well, then why are you…Did you point out that we have a circ of--?...I know exactly what Modern Electronics has, and we’re ahead of them…Yes, again, look at your rate card! That little pie chart that Helen spent two hours making? That tells you exactly who our readership is…. Tom! If you’re not going to bother looking at the sales materials we give you, I don’t know what else I can do.... We’ve had a very good relationship with MediaBus, and when I met Miriam at the HP party two months ago she said they would definitely sign in July. This is July…. Look, Tom, I’ve got Carl in my office right now. Just get MediaBus in the next issue, all right? One more full-page ad and we can go up to 104 pages in September…. Bye.
He SLAMS down the phone.
BRIAN
(to Carl)
This is getting ridiculous.

CARL
Tom Braxton?

BRIAN
You know what his biggest problem as a salesman is?

CARL
He can’t sell?

BRIAN
He can’t sell! The man couldn’t sell space heaters to Eskimos.

CARL
Well, that would be hard sell.

BRIAN
The man can’t sell!

CARL
You can’t put a space heater in an igloo.

BRIAN
Huh?

CARL
You can’t put a space heater in an igloo.

BRIAN
Why not?

CARL
You’d melt the igloo. And then you’d just have a bunch of homeless Eskimos. And no one wants that.

BRIAN
I don’t care about homeless Eskimos.

CARL
You heartless bastard.

BRIAN
What did you come in here for, anyway?

CARL
(holds up the camera)
The latest in digital photography.
Brian takes the camera and examines it.
BRIAN
We’re reviewing this?

CARL
Indeed we are. Six megapixels, SLR design, built-in histogram, uncompressed TIFF file format, 128 megabyte PC card, Carl Zeiss lens. I’m quite impressed.

BRIAN
How many stars?

CARL
Now, you know—

BRIAN
Carl...

CARL
You know I hate star ratings.

BRIAN
I know you do, but Neal loves them, the manufacturers love them, and the readers love them, so guess what? We use them. How many stars?

CARL
I find whole-star increments far too limiting. Even half-star increments I find very hard to work with.

BRIAN
I know you do. But I remember when you gave something 3 and 13/68ths of a star. I remember how Neal reacted, and none of us wants that again.

CARL
It’s impossible to sum up all the pluses and minuses of a product in a single rating. I mean, not all pluses are pluses for everyone, and—

BRIAN
Yes, yes, I get it. We’ve had this conversation more than a few times. Take it up with Neal.

CARL
You seem to be giving more and more of the decisions to Neal.

BRIAN
(shrugs)
Neal’s the editor. When he does things I disagree with, I let him know it, but Neal’s damn good at what he does. Unlike some other employees we’ve got.

CARL
Like Tom Braxton.

BRIAN
Like Tom Braxton.

CARL
Maybe you should fire him.

BRIAN
Why?

CARL
To coin a phrase, “he can’t sell.”

BRIAN
I can’t fire Tom.

CARL
I know you can’t.

BRIAN
Tom and I go way back, to Antares Systems days. I introduced him to his wife, for crying out loud. When Xerox let him go, I was the only one willing to hire him.

CARL
And now you know why.

BRIAN
I guess I just keep hoping he’ll turn around. I mean, MediaBus should be cake.

CARL
Oh, like Miriam is going to do anything to make your life easy after—

BRIAN
We did not end bitterly!

CARL
Any relationship that lasts in its entirety over the course of a week-long trade show can’t possibly not end bitterly.

BRIAN
Look, that was a long time ago…

CARL
What about asking Marv to go out on sales calls with Tom? Marv is a great sales guy; half the book are Marv’s accounts. Maybe he can teach Tom a thing or two.

BRIAN
It’s worth thinking about. Unfortunately, Marv is in New York and Tom is in L.A.

CARL
As an expert on modern technology, I should point out that they have airplanes now.

BRIAN
Shouldn’t you be working?

CARL
All my stuff is filed. I’m just waiting for either Helen or Neal to need me to help with production.

NEAL
(O.C., bellowing)
Carl!

BRIAN
His master’s voice.
Carl rises.
CARL
Think about the Marv and Tom thing. You can’t fire Tom.

BRIAN
I know. I will. Thanks.
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Neal stands in the doorway to his office.
CARL
You bellowed?

NEAL
Yes. I put two technology reports in your folder on the editorial server. I need you to do a quick technical edit, and then put them in Helen’s production folder ASAP.

CARL
You got it.
Carl exits.
HELEN
(bellowing)
Neal!
Neal runs into Helen’s office.

INT. HELEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
NEAL
What is it?

HELEN
(holding up the pages Janice gave her)
What the hell is this?

NEAL
I don’t know, what the hell is that?

HELEN
Your new assistant decided to rewrite the page one stories rather than just proofread them. Please inform her that rewriting is not done at this stage, unless she thinks she has too much blood in her body.

NEAL
Sorry, she’s new.

HELEN
I know. That’s why I’m yelling at you.

NEAL
I’ll talk to her.
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

NEAL walks over to Janice’s table.
NEAL
Janice, about the pages...

JANICE
I know. I heard.

NEAL
You heard?

JANICE
This isn’t a very big office.

NEAL
Ah. Please go back through these pages and mark “stet” next to everything that isn’t a typo.

JANICE
Sure. Sorry.
George comes out of his office.
NEAL
George, Webcorp story?

GEORGE
Ready and waiting for you.

NEAL
Excellent. Thank you.
Neal dashes back into his office.
JANICE
(to George, pointing to the page proof with her pen)
I have a question. Should there be a capital letter right in the middle of a word?

GEORGE
Sadly, yes. It’s called “intercapping.” Computer companies like to strew capital letters randomly throughout company and product names. I think they do it to drive proofreaders nuts.

JANICE
That’s pretty weird.

GEORGE
They’re computer companies. They’re run by people who got beat up a lot in high school and this is part of their vengeance on the world.

JANICE
(laughs)
That would explain any computer program I’ve ever used.
They exchange warm smiles.
NEAL
(bellowing from his office)
George! Leave Janice alone!

GEORGE
Well, I’ll leave you to it, then.

JANICE
If you must.
George walks back to his office, Janice stares after him, pauses, lost in thought for a moment, then returns to rereading her pages.
DISSOLVE TO:
To be continued...

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