My Fingers Did the Walking But Got Crushed by the Weight...

This conversation came up with some friends last night, and I started to dwell on it. Check this out: I have five phone books. All of them current. All of them different. I don't want five phone books. But there they are. And they are:

Capital District Area (white and yellow pages) published by TransWestern Publishing which uses the original "walking finger" logo of the original Yellow Pages. It is valid through January 2007.

Verizon Yellow Pages (with White Pages) for the Saratoga Springs Area, dated July 2006.

The Verizon Yellow Pages Companion Directory for Saratoga/Glens Falls, dated July 2006. This differs from the one above in that it is much smaller and includes Glens Falls, but not Ballston Spa, Schuylerville, etc. I think. I'm not entirely certain why this exists.

The Talking Phone Book (which is remarkably silent) for the Saratoga/Glens Falls Area, published by Hearst Holdings and dated 2006-2007.

The Saratoga Springs Telephone Directory, dated 2006-2007, published by Easy Book Publishing and billed as "Your Local Yellow Pages.

Now, all of these are unsolicited and have magically appeared by my mailbox over the past several months. Occasionally, I attempt to look up businesses or individuals, and it can be quite the research project. Even though they all cover roughly the same area (the Venn diagram I could create for all my phone books would have Saratoga Springs as the darkest-shaded region--and how upsetting is it that I even have to draw a Venn diagram for my phone books?), not everyone is listed in all of them. I've done research papers in school that took less time than finding the phone number for a restaurant. The rebuke in those old commercials--"Why use directory assistance for numbers you could just as easily look up in the phone book?"--is no longer valid.

I can't wait until we start having multiple 411s to choose from.

I really don't know what it is with telephony these days, but just about every aspect of it is completely, utterly maddening. This is why I have decided to revert back to the days when people sent messages by carrier pigeon. I am installing a telegraph. I have purchased one of those operator-assisted phones so I can crank it up, pick up the little ear cup, and say, like Humphrey Bogart, "Operator, get me Murray Hill 5-2845." Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. Those were the days. Time to duet with Jean Stapleton....