Baby Got Bacteria

As if cellphones weren't bad enough just as general irritants, now they're a potential health hazard:

Your mobile phone could be a major health hazard, research shows.
The phones, an essential part of everyday life for 55million Britons, are crawling with potentially lethal bacteria.

With tens of thousands of microbes living on each square inch, they harbour more bacteria than a lavatory seat, the sole of a shoe or a door handle. Microbiologists say the combination of constant handling and the heat generated by the phones creates a prime breeding ground for all sorts of bugs that are normally found on our skin.

They include Staphylococcus aureus, which can cause illnesses from pimples and boils to pneumonia and meningitis and is a close relative of the superbug MRSA.

Joanna Verran, professor of microbiology at Manchester Metropolitan University, said: "Mobile phones are stored in bags or pockets, are handled frequently and held close to the face.

"In other words, they come into contact with more parts of our body and a wider range of bacteria than toilet seats. The phones contained more skin bacteria than any other object. This could be due to the fact that this type of bacteria increase in high temperatures and our phones are perfect for breeding these germs as they are kept warm and cosy in pockets, handbags and briefcases."

I suppose, then, that it doesn't help that I store my cellphone inside my body, using an incision made in my forearm. To my credit, though, I do keep my phone encased in a thick impenetrable layer of cellophane, thus allowing no actual germs near it (this is when I temporarily abandon my Howard Hughes-like existence and allow millions of microscopic germs near me--normally I spend my day soaking in a brine-like solution and scrubbing my flesh clean constantly). Of course, the cellophane layer--which I refer to as the cellophone--makes it very difficult to hear callers or for callers to hear me, but that's no different than my normal cellphone reception.

It occurs to me that Yo-Yo Ma would also likely have something he would refer to as a cellophone. Pronounced differently, of course.