Ah, fake horoscopes. The comedic equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel. The Onion has the market on them cornered today, but when I was a kid, Mad magazine had the best fake forecasts. (Not that the ones in the daily paper are any more "real," of course.)
The basis behind this "Rich Text" column--from the August 1997 issue of Micro Publishing News--was to provide a series of graphic arts industry-specific horoscopes. Yes, for those in the know, they are staggeringly dated, but I still think they're pretty funny. This also marked the debut of my twitting various topics related to "pseudoscience" or the so-called paranormal. I would also take on ghosts, urban legends, psychics, and other subjects I don't readily remember.
To continue, follow the bouncing link...
Micro Publishing News
August 1997
Forecast This
By Richard Romano, Senior Associate Editor
One of the problems I’ve always had with astrological forecasts (aside from their complete lack of basis in scientific fact) is that they never tell me what I really want to know. I thought our readership might feel the same way, so I have studied the techniques of astrological forecasting (i.e., I made them up) and have compiled this industry-specific set of horoscopes.
YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY
Happy birthday!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Because the Moon is in Aries, your fonts will output as Courier. Ironically, the text you specified as Courier will output as Bell Gothic. Go figure. At any rate, Pisces will give you grief about it.
PISCES (Feb. 19–Mar. 20)
Come on, leave Aquarius alone. He’s having a bad day. Besides, you have your own problems: none of your linked EPS files will RIP. Ha-ha.
ARIES (Mar. 21–Apr. 19)
Saturn is in Aquarius, which is an odd place for Saturn to be. If I were you, I’d call in sick today. Capricorn was giving you coy looks all during yesterday’s production meeting. Find out what that’s about.
TAURUS (Apr. 20–May 20)
Be sure you have sent the right file to your large-format imaging service. You know that trade show signage you’re preparing? The image that’ll be output will inadvertently be the embarrassing one from your last Christmas party. Choose your file names carefully.
GEMINI (May 21–Jun. 20)
You are accidentally sucked into an Ethernet and wind up in an alternate universe where color printing is done using RGB. Unknowingly, you send CMYK-separated images to the service bureau. Your anti-boss is not happy, causing a rift in the fabric of space.
CANCER (Jun. 21–Jul. 22)
Jupiter, which had been in Virgo, is now, inexplicably, in your bathroom. After production is over and your magazine has been sent to the printer, avoid lunch at your favorite seafood restaurant. There will be an unpleasant incident involving renegade crustaceans, a nutcracker, and several pints of drawn butter.
LEO (Jul. 23–Aug. 22)
All your jobs will output properly, but you will be menaced by otters.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sep. 22)
Because the Moon is in the sky, your Macintosh will crash. You will waste the afternoon turning extensions on and off and endlessly restarting your computer. Consider joining the Luddites.
LIBRA (Sep. 23–Oct. 22)
Mars was stolen from your car and is now in Scorpio. Your supervisor will find out what naughty Web sites you’ve been accessing from your company’s ISP account. Word of advice: either trash your Netscape Cache folder or develop a normal, healthy sex life. The choice is yours.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
During a press check, your printer will go berserk and scream “No more magenta! No more magenta!” After pouring several jars of melted Cheese Whiz into the ink fountain, he will lash himself to the plate cylinder and print the outline of his body in cheese on all your press sheets. The day will go downhill from there.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Mercury is in Leo, which does not make Leo happy at all. Consequently, don’t give your service bureau too much grief when your Matchprint is prepared using crayons.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
You have not been giving Aries coy looks; the clock was above his head. Tell Aries to get over himself. Besides, you’ve got your eye on Aquarius, but Aquarius is in love with Sagittarius, even though Sagittarius is married to Libra, or at least until Sagittarius finds out what Libra has been up to. They don’t call Libra “Mr. Wiggly” behind his back for nothing. Meanwhile, Virgo was found in a compromising situation with an ostrich, which complicates things greatly. But what of Taurus’ love for Gemini? Is Leo’s baby Scorpio’s? And what of that tragic incident involving Pisces, a GTO-DI, and a live octopus? Tune in next month.
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