Lettuce Pray

Hah! So much for vegetables being oh-so-healthy for you:

Health officials on Thursday identified lettuce as the likely source for a hepatitis A outbreak in Los Angeles County and urged residents to thoroughly wash the vegetable before eating it.

At least 60 people have fallen ill from the virus in Los Angeles County over the last three months. Officials are concerned because the outbreak comes after years of declining hepatitis A cases, but they have been unable to link the outbreak to a particular farm or type of lettuce.

I avoid eating vegetables, but it's not for health reasons. Rather, it's because I am an impassioned supporter of vegetable rights. Who will hear the cry of a carrot as it's ruthlessly ripped out of the ground, flayed alive, and chopped into thin strips? Or corn--the Van Gogh of the vegetable kingdom, ears torn off. It's barbaric, I tell you!