More War

Here is part 2 of the original screenplay, Veteran of the Psychic War. Part 1 is here.

Veteran of the Psychic War
An Original Screenplay--Part 2

INT. GYM – DAY

After the school day is done, Leonard and JOSH RHODES, 43, are on the basketball court, playing casual one-on-one.

RHODES

I hear through the grapevine that things are not going well with you and Elizabeth.

LEONARD

The grapevine talks too much.

RHODES

What can I say—grapes get lonely.

LEONARD

And they wine too much.

RHODES

Oh, boo.

(beat)

I thought everything was going great with you two.

LEONARD

I thought so, too, but it seems the minute I got the Skeptics Quarterly gig, it’s like I’ve impugned her religious beliefs. I honestly had no idea she was so into all this New Age, pseudoscience crap.

RHODES

Gee, it’s hard to see why she’d be offended...

LEONARD

When we first started going out, it seemed like we had a lot more in common than we by rights should have.

RHODES

That’s a sentence that’ll make your head explode.

LEONARD

I mean, I’m fairly well-read, we like the same kinds of movies, going to plays and readings. Everything was going great. Then I started writing for Skeptics Quarterly—which I’m really proud to be doing, by the way—and ever since then every conversation with her involves astrology, or psychics, or how I have no imagination, or how I’m completely soulless. We don’t have dates any more so much as inquisitions.

RHODES

And you never knew that she was into these things?

LEONARD

Not a clue. And it’s not like I’ve ever chided her for believing in these things. I’m perfectly happy to live and let live. But she just keeps dwelling on it. It’s driving me nuts.

RHODES

Have you tried talking to her about it?

LEONARD

We have some kind of mystery date tonight, so we’ll see how it goes. The thing, Josh, is...

He stops playing and looks down.

RHODES

Uh oh.

LEONARD

The thing is that I’m just not sure it’s worth the effort anymore.

RHODES

No love lost?

LEONARD

We haven’t been going out for that long and I was still deeply in...well, in like with Elizabeth. Love hadn’t entered into it—yet-and now it just seems like the whole possibility of that has been short-circuited.

RHODES

(jokingly)

Because you’re such a closed-minded sum’bitch.

LEONARD

Apparently, yes. And in point of fact, I’m not really.

(beat)

Or at least I don’t think I am.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET – NIGHT

A quaint, small town downtown street, populated by diners, antique stores, etc. Leonard and Elizabeth walk along the street, holding hands.

LEONARD

Where are you taking me? I’m not even sure what time zone we’re in any more.

ELIZABETH
(playfully)

You’ll see.

They come to a storefront, in the window of which is a neon sign that says “Madame Zenyatta Psychic Reading.” they stop, and Leonard looks at the sign.

LEONARD

You’ve got to be kidding me.

ELIZABETH

What?

LEONARD

A psychic?! Do you have no sense of accumulated knowledge whatsoever? You know I think these people are all cons and charlatans.

ELIZABETH

Not this one. Madame Zenyatta comes highly recommended.

LEONARD

Madame “Zenyatta.” By who? Sting?

ELIZABETH

"Whom." I don’t even know what that means, but I’m sure it’s insulting. Come on! It’ll be fun.

LEONARD

Apparently there’s a definition of fun with which I am unfamiliar.

ELIZABETH
(a bit pissed)

Ooh, you’re such a stick in the mud. Well, I’m getting a reading.

LEONARD

What am I supposed to do?

ELIAZABETH

As far as I’m concerned, you can stay out here and fuck yourself.

That was far more hostile than he had ever seen her, and it hits him. He gets an idea.

LEONARD

OK, I’ll do it. And I will provide to you these people are all assclowns.

ELIZABETH

“Assclowns”?

She finds the term somewhat amusing and it breaks the ice a little bit.

ELIZABETH

All right, Sir Isaac Newton, you’re on.

She gestures for him to enter first. They walk down a small flight of stairs to a glass door.

INT. MADAME ZENYATTA’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Inside, it is brightly lit by fluorescent ceiling fixtures. The walls are bare and white, with a few motivational posters on the wall—most of them with a New Agey tone to them. the floor is covered with rust-colored wall-to-wall carpeting. The room is smallish, and has a single desk toward the back, with own chair behind it and two chairs in front of it. In fact, the whole place, rather than looking like a stereotypical psychic reader’s gypsylike den, as Leonard says:

LEONARD

This place looks like a real estate office.

One conceit to the location is that Indian sitar music plays over a loudpeaker.

LEONARD

Although I suddenly have a craving for tandoori chicken.

A door behind the desk opens and MADAME ZENYATTA, 55, enters. In keeping with the conservative trappings, she is dressed in a conservative pantsuit. In fact, she looks very much like a real estate agent. She notices them standing in front of the desk.

MADAME ZENYATTA

May I help you?

LEONARD

We’re here about the ad for the three-bedroom colonial.

Elizabeth smacks his shoulder lightly.

ELIZABETH

Leonard is here for a reading.

MADAME ZENYATTA

Sure. Please sit down.

She gestures to the chairs. Leonard and Elizabeth sit.

MADAME ZENYATTA

Have you ever had a psychic reading before?

LEONARD

I have not, no.

MADAME ZENYATTA

Well, we’ll see if we can’t make it as painless as possible.

LEONARD

Speaking of which, how much is this going to cost me?

MADAME ZENYATTA

Just for your reference, I charge $45 for a half hour session and $80 for a full hour.

LEONARD

Good grief.

MADAME ZENYATTA

I do have many clients who have special financial needs, and if you need to, we can negotiate a special rate.

ELIZABETH

He doesn’t have special needs. He’s just a cheap bastard.

LEONARD

Hey!

ELIZABETH

It’s on me, so don’t you worry about it.

There is a pause. Madame Zenyatta has been watching them like a hawk, and Leonard catches her and smiles very slightly.

LEONARD

You know how us engaged couples are.

ELIZABETH

Leonard—

MADAME ZENYATTA

Very clever. You were trying trick me. I know you’re not engaged.

LEONARD

You can see it in our auras?

MADAME ZENYATTA

I can see it on her fingers. No ring.

(beat)

Anyway, shall we get started?

LEONARD

Ready when you are.

MADAME ZENYATTA

Do you have a piece of jewelry or some other possession I can hold? It helps focus the psychic energies.

Leonard pats his shirt and pockets.

LEONARD

Um, not really, no. Oh, wait...

He reaches into his pants pocket and removes a paper clip.

LEONARD

It’s a paper clip. It’s all I’ve got.

ELIZABETH
(under her breath)

Jeez.

MADAME ZENYATTA

It may not have the full complement of psychic vibes, but I’ll see what I can do. Anyway, let me hold your right hand.

She holds his right hand in her right and the paper clip in the left. She closes her eyes.

MADAME ZENYATTA

Ah, yes, I see it all...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The street outside Madame Zenyatta’s office. Leonard is walking calmly up the stairs to street level while Elizabeth is, um, pissed and trails him a bit.

ELIZABETH

Could you have made any less of an effort to cooperate?

Leonard stops and thinks mock seriously.

LEONARD

No. Honestly, I don’t think I could have.

ELIZABETH

So is it any surprise to you that she was way wrong?

LEONARD

No, it’s no surprise to me at all, since I never in a million years expected her to be correct.

He starts walking again.

ELIZABETH

You’re supposed to provide feedback. You’re supposed to respond in some way so they know they’re on the right track. You’re not supposed to just sit there, stare blankly, and say “Go on” for a half hour.

LEONARD

She’s the psychic. Isn’t she supposed to know this stuff without my having to give her a Scooby Snack every time she gets something right? And, forgive me if I’ve missed the point of this, but isn’t she supposed to be telling me the future? Is there any point in paying $45 a half hour to hear about the musical instruments I played in high school?

ELIZABETH

That’s not how it works.

LEONARD

I know. Because it doesn’t work! It’s like any other con game or scam. The con artist goes fishing, and when they get a bite they reel you in. You know how you win at three-card monte?

ELIZABETH

How?

LEONARD

You don’t play!

ELIZABETH
(after a beat)

She was right about the flute?

LEONARD

How was she right about the flute?

ELIZABETH

She said “I see a musical instrument in your past.” She called that one.

LEONARD

Gee, what are the odds that any given person would have had some contact with a musical instrument at some point in their life? And it was clear that when I did say, “yes, a flute,” she thought I played the flute. “If you had practiced more...” she started to say.

ELIZABETH

Then she realized that you didn’t play the flute!

LEONARD

Yeah, because I started laughing. My only contact with a flute was in seventh grade when Jennifer Zannini smacked me in the head with hers because I made a lewd remark to her. Bear in mind that was the only contact with a musical instrument I have ever had in my life.

(beat)

And the last time I made a lewd remark to a woman, now that I think about it...

He rubs his temple, and they walk up the street in silence for a while.

ELIZABETH

She was right about us.

LEONARD

In what way?

ELIZABETH

She said “I see trouble between you two.”

LEONARD

It doesn’t take a sixth sense to see trouble between us, Elizabeth. All it takes is someone with any two of the other five senses working reasonably well to see that there’s trouble between us.

Elizabeth stops walking and looks after him, a hurt expression on her face. He stops, and turns around, only half contrite.

LEONARD

Look, why don’t we discuss this over dinner. I’m starving.

ELIZABETH

No, I don’t think so.

LEONARD

Elizabeth, what’s wrong? Why do you take this whole psychic business so damn seriously? This never used to be an issue until... Look, let’s talk about this.

ELIZABETH

No, I can’t imagine that you’d ever understand.

LEONARD

I’m a smart guy. Try me.

ELIZABETH

No. And to be honest, if I had a flute right now I’d smack you in the head with it. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.

And with that, she abruptly crosses the street and leaves him standing, staring after her. After a few beats, he finally realizes:

LEONARD

Wait! You drove!

He is about to chase after her, but stands resignedly instead. He stares into space for a moment. A young female voice from behind him says:

KAYLEIGH

Sucks to be you.

He turns around and spies a girl, KAYLEIGH, 16, leaning against a wall beside the sidewalk. She is smoking a cigarette and has a detached, world-weary attitude, which, at 16, she doesn’t carry especially well.

LEONARD

You have no idea.

She tries looks at him expressionlessly, but can’t entirely suppress a little smile.

LEONARD

I suppose you heard all of that altercation.

KAYLEIGH

I heard even more than that. I’m Madame Zenyatta’s niece, Kayleigh.

LEONARD

“Kayleigh.” That’s a nice name. Like that old song.

(starts singing)

“Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on—”

KAYLEIGH

Thanks. I never get that at all.

LEONARD

And I thought I was the only one who remembered that song.

KAYLEIGH

Unfortunately, you’re not.

The sound of a CAR approaches. Suddenly, Kayleigh looks past him, and her eyes grow huge. She drops her cigarette, and leaps on top of Leonard. They fall to the sidewalk behind a parked car.

KAYLEIGH

Shit! Get down!

A black car cruises by and several objects are hurled out of the car windows. They are crystal balls, and they smash on the brick wall of the building behind them, fortuitously missing Leonard and Kayleigh. Shards of crystal rain down on them. The car careens around a corner and is gone. Leonard and Kayleigh get to their feet. Leonard is more than a little freaked out.

LEONARD

What the hell was that!?

KAYLEIGH
(nonchalantly)

What was what?

LEONARD

The...the...

He is too aggrieved to speak.

KAYLEIGH

It was probably just Mando again.

And on Leonard’s confused expression, we

CUT TO:

To be c0ntinued...