Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here.
"Mass Medea"
An Original Screenplay
An Original Screenplay
EXT. JANICE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
There is a moving van parked outside Janice’s apartment building.
INT. JANICE’S APARTMENT - DAY
It is a week or two after the previous scene. Janice is in the living room taping up a box. She is dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt and has obviously been lugging stuff. Carol comes in the front door.
They hug.CAROLOh, good, I didn’t miss you.JANICENo, I’ll be here for quite some time. You don’t realize until you move just much crap you’ve got. Today has suddenly turned into an Ionesco play. I envision all my possessions clogging the subway and stopping the flow of rivers. Did you see George on the way up?CAROLI think he was having a massive coronary in the back of the moving van.JANICEOh, good. I thought he had run off.CAROLAnyway, I have to get back to work, but I just wanted to say goodbye.
(getting a little teary)JANICECarol, it’s not like I’m moving to Bora Bora. It’s only a few blocks. We’ll probably see each other just as often anyway.CAROLI know. I just liked the idea of having you around.(pauses)Wow. Your own apartment. Almost like a real grown up.JANICEI know. How scary is that?CAROLAnyway, I have to get back, but...JANICEYeah.
While Janice and Carol are hugging, George enters. He is wearing a ratty T-shirt, shorts, and a Giants baseball cap and has obviously been lugging a great many things.JANICEI’ll call you. We’ll go out next weekend.CAROLThat sounds good. Good luck!JANICEThanks.
He struggles to his feet.GEORGEUh, oh. What am I intruding on?JANICENothing.GEORGEShould I make some Jell-O?CAROLJell-O?GEORGEFor you to wrestle in.JANICE(hitting him lightly)Pig.CAROLSorry to spoil your fantasy.GEORGEYou’re not the first.CAROLGotta run. Call me about next weekend. Take care, George.GEORGEEt tu.
Carol exits. George collapses into a chair.GEORGEIs there much more? I’m getting way too old for this.JANICEGeorge, you’re 25.GEORGEI did have a mid-life crisis when I was 13. If there’s such a thing as predestination, well, I’m just saying...these could be my autumn years.JANICECan I ask you a favor?GEORGEDoes it involve carrying another box that contains what I can only assume is your gold ingot collection?JANICENo.GEORGEA complete set of the entire Lanthanide series of elements?JANICENow I have no idea what you’re talking about.GEORGEAh, Periodic Table humor.JANICEPeriodic Table. Is that like an occasional table?GEORGEWaka waka. But my question is, what’s an occasional table when it’s not a table? Inquiring minds want to know.JANICEWell, was that fun for you, sweetie?GEORGEAh, right. Your favor.JANICENeal gave me my first feature assignment and I’ll be finished with it on Monday. Would you mind reading it and giving me some feedback before I give it to Neal?GEORGEOf course.JANICEOf course you’d mind, or...GEORGEOf course I’d be happy to read it, O Queen of Grammar.JANICEI want you to be completely honest and objective.GEORGENaturally.JANICEI mean that. I don’t want you to think that...you know...just because we’re dating...GEORGEI won’t.JANICEI really want to get good at this. If you tell me it’s not good it will in no way mean less sex for you.GEORGEIt’s good to not have that weighing on my mind.JANICEAnyway, speaking of weighing, another box for you.GEORGEOy.
He grabs the box and staggers out the door.GEORGEHow come you don’t have any stuffed animals or dolls or anything like that? I could carry those.JANICEWell, George, part of it could be that I’m not 8 years old. Come on, the sooner we get done, the sooner I can...reward you in the way you like to be rewarded.GEORGEIf I survive. I may need to use Viagra on my entire body.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
The Cool Gadgets reception area, mid-morning. Terri is standing at her desk staring off to the left. George enters, carrying a large box.
Janice runs past and opens the glass doors for him. He sets the box down in front of the elevator, where there are three others. He huffs for a moment, then hits the Elevator Down button. Janice is staring at him expectantly. George notices her staring at him.GEORGEThis is getting to be a bad habit.
Neal comes out of the reception area with a small luggage cart.GEORGEWhat is it, girl? Grandpa’s caught in a well? Down in Deadrock Canyon?
(à la Timmy from Lassie)JANICEDid you read it?GEORGEDid I read It, the Stephen King novel? I’m afraid I never did.JANICEYou know what I mean.
Neal and George hurriedly load the four boxes on the cart, finishing just as the elevator arrives and opens. Janice holds the doors as Neal and George wheel the cart into the car.NEALGeorge, I forgot I had this luggage cart in my office.GEORGENow he tells me.
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
The doors close.
Neal smiles.JANICEYou know what I’m talking about.GEORGEYes, I do.JANICESo what did you think of my feature story?NEALYeah, George. What did you think of her feature story?GEORGEI thought—(pauses, looks at Neal)Et tu, Neal?
The elevator stops and the doors open into the lobby of the building. Janice holds the doors as George wheels the cart out, followed by Neal.GEORGEI liked it. I thought the story developed logically, it was well-written, and you have a good handle on the technology. Naturally, Carl will tech edit it, and there are a few things Neal will probably change, being the anal-retentive, comma-chasing bastard that he is, but aside from a few copy editing things, it was good.
EXT. COOL GADGETS OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
They emerge from the front doors of the building onto the sidewalk. George wheels the cart to the curb and Neal hails a cab.
A cab pulls up and the CAB DRIVER pops the trunk. He gets out and helps Neal and George stack the boxes in the trunk.JANICECopy editing things? Like what?GEORGELike what? I don’t have a photographic memory. Um...well, OK: it’s a common mistake, but “myriad.” You misused “myriad.”JANICE“Myriad”?GEORGEIt’s an adjective, not a noun, so there are not, for example, “a myriad of file formats,” but rather there are “myriad file formats.”JANICEAh.
The Cab Driver and Neal exchange glances and a smile.JANICEWhat else?GEORGEJanice, I’m a little preoccupied here.
(while loading boxes)JANICEI’m sorry, dear, is it too intellectually challenging for you to load boxes and talk at the same time?
The boxes loaded, the Cab Driver SLAMS the trunk and gets in the driver side door. Neal, George, and Janice get in the back seat.GEORGENo... Um, OK: in a couple of cases you spelled the possessive pronoun “its” with an apostrophe. Happy?
INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
The cab pulls out.CAB DRIVERWhere to?NEALMoscone Center.
The Cab Driver casts an odd glance in the rear-view mirror. Janice LAUGHS.JANICEI do know the difference between the pronoun “its” and the contraction of “it is.” It was just a typo.GEORGEI know. But you did use one of my favorite words, so you get brownie points for that.JANICEWhich word was that?GEORGE“Juggernaut.”JANICEOne of your favorite words is “juggernaut”?GEORGEIt has a great etymology. It comes from the name of a Hindu temple and religious procession in India and this immense carriage that rolls across the sand. Overly eager pilgrims are said to fling themselves in front of it to be crushed beneath its massive wheels. It’s been said that Westerners exaggerated the story a bit, but it did spawn the word “juggernaut,” which has come to refer to any force, company, or institution that crushes everything in its path.JANICEI never knew that.GEORGEMy other favorite word, just on strictly aesthetic terms, is “isosceles,” but it’s harder to work that into everyday conversation, let alone a news story.JANICE“Isosceles”? Like the triangle?GEORGEExactly. It’s just such fun to say.(slowly and sexily)“Isosceles.”
The cab stops outside the Moscone Convention Center.GEORGEIsosceles, Neal!
(turning and waving at Neal)NEALActually, I like the word “galore,” as in “food and drink galore.”GEORGEOr “Pussy Galore,” from the James Bond movie.NEALRight. As far as I know, it’s the only case in the English language where not only did a word come from a foreign language—-in this case, Irish—-but its construction did, too. You have to respect that about a word.GEORGEGood point. Hey, are we complete dorks or what?
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAYGEORGEWhat’s our booth number?NEAL1530. Carl should be wandering the floor somewhere. He had appointments all morning.(checks his watch)I have to run to an 11:00 press conference. Let’s rendezvous at the booth at 11:30.GEORGEGotcha.
Within the convention center is a computer industry trade show. There are several rows of booths, the exhibits spanning a wide range of computer hardware, software, and peripheral products. George and Janice are in booth 1530. At the back of the booth are several large posters bearing several covers of Cool Gadgets magazine. The boxes George schlepped are opened, and George and Janice are taking issues of the magazine out of them and fanning them out on a counter at the front of the booth.
Walking down the aisle toward the Cool Gadgets booth are Ivan and Flo.JANICEThey do tend to pack them in for this show.
(looking around at the crowd)GEORGEThis is nothing. This is just a small local computer graphics show. You should wait until we get to Comdex in Vegas.
They approach George and Janice.IVANHere’s Cool Gadgets. They’ve got a pretty lame booth for such a high-profile magazine.FLOIvan. Be nice.
Flo notices George’s name badge.IVANGood morning.GEORGEGood morning. We’re still setting up…can we hook you up with a subscription?IVANWe already get your magazine.
They shake hands.FLOYou’re George Stein. I read your articles all the time. You’re a terrific writer.GEORGEThanks.(squints to look at Flo’s badge)Florence Estrine, publisher of Modern Electronics. I know the magazine well. Nice to meet you.
That iced up things pretty well.GEORGEThis is Janice Franken, our editorial assistant.FLONice to meet you.JANICEAnd you.IVANIvan Verdeschi, Group Publisher for the Consumer Electronics Group at Juno Mass Media.GEORGEYou guys flew all the way from New York for this little show?IVANThere’s a lot happening with digital cameras, and most of it’s in the graphic arts at the moment.GEORGESeen anything cool?FLOLots. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.IVANBesides, we’d like to be able to scoop you guys at some point.JANICEGood luck.
(innocently)
Ivan and Flo move along.IVANRight. Well, we’re only here for the day. Good to meet you.GEORGEAnd you.
Carl enters. He looks harried, but looks after Flo and Ivan suspiciously.
Neal enters.CARLChrist, what did they want?GEORGEJust saying hi.CARLI bet.JANICEThey seemed nice enough.CARLBullshit. That woman is a shark. A friend of mine used to work for Modern Electronics until he was fired in the aftermath of what has come to be known as “The Night Flo Went Nuts.” It was after our circulation passed theirs. Apparently, she went ballistic and fired the entire editorial staff.JANICEWow.CARLShe was going to fire the entire sales staff, but it was pointed out to her that having to replace the entire staff in under a week would be a phenomenally bad idea.GEORGEThat wouldn’t be good, no.CARLPlus, she and Ivan—-yes, he pronounces it “EE-van”—-have some kind of “thing” going on which I don’t even want to think about.GEORGEFlo has been sleeping her way to the top? It’s probably not that surprising.CARLNo, but it’s sad. Let’s face it, you really have to have given up completely on life to sleep your way to the top of an organization like Juno Mass Media. Anyway, just remember that they hate us with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns and would seek any way they could to destroy us.GEORGEI didn’t know computer magazine publishing could get so Dickensian.
Carl looks at Neal angrily.NEALHey, guys.CARLGeorge and Janice just had an abrupt meeting with Frank and Hot Lips from Modern Electronics.NEALThey came out here for this show? Whatever. Anyway, George and Janice, why don’t you walk the floor for a while, say hi to some folks, get whatever demos you think are worthwhile, and meet back here at 2. Carl and I will take turns manning the booth until Dave comes by. Oh, and just a reminder that I want to have a redesign meeting at 4:30 back at the office after the show closes.CARLNeal, Brian is out this afternoon. I think we should have the meeting when he’s actually around. I mean, he is the publisher, after all.NEALI know, but I want to come up with a few ideas then have him pick which one he likes. I think it will streamline the process.CARLStreamline the process. I see.
CARLNeal, can I talk to you a minute?NEALOf course.CARLIn private.
(looks at George and Janice)GEORGEAnd we’re off.NEALAgain, 4:30 for the redesign meeting.
George and Janice exit.
EXT. COOL GADGETS OFFICE BUILDING- DAYCARLWhat the fuck are you doing?NEALI don’t know, Carl. What the fuck am I doing?CARLBrian’s the publisher of this magazine. And more than that, that he’s the founder. And even more than that, he’s one of my oldest friends. And to see you treat him as nothing more than some tech support peon really pisses me off.NEALAs much as I like the play on words of “pee-on” and “pisses me off”—I have to say, in my own defense, I do not treat Brian as some kind of tech support peon.CARL“Brian, the network is down.” “Brian, fix our e-mail problems.” “Brian, what’s wrong with—“NEALCarl, you’re being melodramatic.CARLAnd you’re being dictatorial.NEALDictatorial? How am I being dictatorial? Look, I appreciate your loyalty to Brian—CARLGee, I’m so glad—NEALI appreciate your loyalty to Brian, but believe me when I tell you that I am not trying to exclude him from decision-making. It was his idea to skip the redesign meeting.CARLAnd how much did you have to persuade him?NEALNot at all. I admire Brian a great deal, and I have no desire to play office politics.CARLYou could have fooled me.NEALWell, I apparently have. Sure, Brian and I disagree about some things, and I argue with him about them—-but arguing things that I feel strongly about is my responsibility as someone who gives a shit. I’m not a power-mad dictator, and I’m certainly not trying to squeeze Brian out. He hired me to do a job: make this a successful consumer technology magazine. And he’s seen that I do that very well, so he lets me do the job without a great deal of interference.CARLNeal, I’ve known and worked with Brian a long time, and I just don’t want to see him brushed aside.
(after a pause, somewhat contritely)NEALI’m not brushing him aside. Brian’s that rarity: a boss who is actually smarter than the people who work for him. But for certain things, I’m smarter, just like for certain other things, you’re smarter, and for yet other things Helen is smarter. We’re all a team, and I’ve never thought of us—-all of us—-as anything but a team. You’ve got to trust me.CARLI do. Thanks.
(with difficulty)NEALI need you, Carl. I need you on the team, and I need you to not think of me as the enemy. I know you like being Mr. Cynical, and I’ll be the first to admit that that’s what gives our coverage the edge it has, but you have to trust me. I know it’s not easy—-and in some ways I’m glad you question my motives.CARLReally? Why?NEALYou keep me honest—-and from becoming a dictator.
(shrugs, then smiles)(pause)I’m starving. Want to go grab a criminally-priced slice of pizza?CARLAll right.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
Janice and George run up the street and dash into the building.
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Janice smacks a floor button, They are both out of breath. George is carrying an obviously heavy shopping bag.
The elevator stops and the doors open.GEORGEThis is the silliest thing I’ve ever done in my life.JANICEThen you’ve led a very sheltered life, pumpkin.GEORGEWe’re supposed to be at the show, and we’re supposed to be back at the booth in 15 minutes. Neal’s going to kill us. And, why again?JANICEI can’t use crowded public bathrooms.GEORGESo you made me run four blocks back here so you could use our relatively private bathrooms.JANICEIt’s quite urgent.GEORGEAnd you need me why?
They both dash out.JANICEThe pleasure of your company.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
They exit the elevator. George stops. Janice doesn’t.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAYGEORGEI’ll wait here.(checks his watch)Five minutes!
Carl stands alone at the booth. He is obviously bored. He reaches under the counter and picks up a shopping bag. He rummages within and takes out a small toy car. He places it on the counter. He stares at the car a moment, then starts pushing it around the counter, making engine noises. As he gets into it, Dave enters and regards him oddly. Dave is wearing a short-sleeve shirt bearing the imprimatur of what we can assume to be an unknown hardcore punk band.
Neal approaches.DAVEDude, what you, Dale Earnhardt?CARLTrade shows are tediously boring. Hey, thanks for dressing up.
(quickly puts the car away)DAVEI thought I did...
(honestly)CARLHave you seen George and/or Janet?DAVEI thought I saw them running down Howard Street.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAYNEALHey guys. Have you seen George and Janice?CARLThey’ve apparently fled the building. Anything to avoid booth duty, is my guess.
George is still waiting by the elevator, Janice emerges from the glass doors.
They kiss. Janice hits the Elevator Down button.GEORGEAll done?JANICEYes, thanks.
He hands her the shopping bag.GEORGEShit.JANICEWhat?GEORGENow I have to go.JANICEDoh!
She playfully smacks him in the arm as they enter the glass doors.GEORGEHold this.JANICEWhy didn’t you put this in your office?GEORGEBecause I’m not very bright.JANICEDo I have to do everything?
(shakes her head)GEORGEApparently—-just not in public rest rooms.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
Janice enters, walks into George’s office and puts the shopping bag on his chair. She emerges, and glances into Brian’s office. Brian is at his desk. Across from him are Flo and Ivan. She looks concerned, but no one notices her. She exits briskly.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Janice is standing at the elevator. George comes out, just as the elevator doors open. Janice enters and George runs into the car.
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
DISSOLVE TO:JANICEI don’t know if this means anything, but those two people were in Brian’s office.GEORGETwo people. Could you be more vague, please?JANICEThe ones we met this morning. From Modern Electronics.
(slightly irritated by the remark)GEORGEFlo and, what’s his name, Ivan?(shrugs)Don’t know. They’re probably old friends or something. Brian knows everyone.JANICEYeah, it’s probably nothing.
EXT. MODERN ELECTRONICS’ OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
INT. FLO’S OFFICE - DAY
Several weeks after the previous scene, Flo is at her desk, reading something on her computer screen. Ivan appears at the door.
Flo swivels around slowly.IVANReady for this?
She jumps up and grabs the paper from him. She reads it.FLOJust once I’d like you to come in here with good news. Just once. Is it too much to ask for you to--IVANI have good news.FLO--to come in here—-(beat)Good news?IVANI have good news.FLODare I dream it?IVANThe “Eddy” nominations have been announced. We have five nominations.FLOFive? Really?IVANYou bet your ass.FLOThat’s better than last year. What categories?IVANBest News Story, Best Editorial Illustration, Best Cover, and Best Table of Contents.FLOBest Table of Contents? That’s a category? What, did they get a special discount on plaques? Wait—that’s four. What’s the fifth.IVANIt’s pretty minor.FLOIvan...IVANMost Improved Publication.
(sighs)FLOMost Improved Publication?! What the fuck was wrong with it before? Didn’t we win Best Publication three years ago?IVANWe did.FLOWait—-so we’re not nominated for Best Publication this year?IVANNo.FLOWho is?IVANNo one we know.
She flings her reading glasses across her desk. Ivan makes no move to grab them, and they fall to the floor.FLODamn it!
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
Janice is sitting at her table. Behind her, in Neal’s doorway, Neal and Helen are conferring. George and Brian are at their respective desks. Carl enters.
Brian emerges from his office holding a sheet of paper.CARLHelen, I need the most embarrassing picture of any of your grandkids you have.HELENWhat the hell for?CARLI’m testing some new image editing software. Which one do you think would look good with a third eye?HELENGraham, for sure. Oh, by the way, I made some cookies for everyone. They’re in the breakroom.NEALWhat’s the occasion?HELENI had to make some for a bake sale at Graham’s school, then Laney needed a batch for some party her class was having, and it got to the point where I just couldn’t stop making cookies.CARLMaking cookies for the grandkids.
(shakes his head)(mock outraged)What I want to know is, where are the parents?HELENIn India on some weird-ass yoga retreat.GEORGE“Yoga retreat”?HELENI have no idea. As I think I mentioned on one or two occasions, my daughter went—um, how to put this politely?--totally batshit crazy when she met what’s-his-granola. She used to be a respected physics professor at Stanford. Now she’s communing with nature and reading people’s chakras. Anyway, When Granola Man came up with the idea to rename the kids, then I knew I had to do something.GEORGERename the kids what?HELENOh, I don’t know. River, Rain, Snow, Sleet, Unseasonable Warmth. Who the hell knows. I love this city, but it has its crazies.CARLYou think?
George comes out of his office and everyone stops and stares at Brian.BRIANHey, everyone. Come gather round.
(to staff)
A hubbub of excitement runs through the staff.HELENThere’s good news?BRIANYepper.GEORGEMy, you’re in rare form today.BRIANThe good news is this. The nominations for the Eddys are in.JANICE“The Eddys”?GEORGEThe Magazine Editors Awards.JANICEOoh!NEALI assume from your giddiness that we’re nominated for something?BRIANGive that man a cigar, and no Clinton jokes. I mean really, because we picked up six nominations.
INT. BALLROOM - DAYNEALWhat categories?BRIANBest Cover-—that would be for the issue for which Helen did that cellphone/PC morph.GEORGEWoo hoo! Way to go Helen!BRIANWe are also nominated for Best Feature Story—that would be Janice Franken’s “E-Commerce Rising.”CARLYour first feature. You get a nomination right out of the gate. Yee-ha!BRIANBest Editorial, which was Carl’s “On Technology,” the one where you traced the history of technology from the plow to Windows 98. We also got Best Interview or Profile—that would be George’s Camilla Dane interview. And we got Best News Story, which was Ed’s story on Amazon.com. So congratulations all of you. Since the awards ceremony is here in San Francisco for a change, I say let’s all get dolled up and go.CARLAbsolutely. And there will be a party at my place immediately following the ceremony.BRIANWow, you never have parties.CARLI never have a reason to.JANICEWhen are the awards?BRIANJanuary 15.GEORGEWhat a way to welcome in the new millennium.
The night of the Eddy Awards. The ballroom is large and seats a few hundred people, all of whom are in various states of formal dress and sit around round tables taking before the festivities start.
Brian, Carl, Janice, Neal, Helen, Jean, Terri, Dave, and one other, ED, sit around one of the tables gabbing. George enters carrying a wine glass and a bottle of beer. He places the wine glass in front of Janice and sits down next to her. She has been talking to Ed.
Terri is talking to Brian. She is wearing a very nice and very revealing dress.JANICEThanks, sweetie. George, did you know Ed grew up almost in my neighborhood? It was an even smaller town than Perth.GEORGEWhy’d you leave?EDI saw Deliverance.
Neal is talking to Helen and Jean. Neal has had a few. Their exchange is playful.BRIANSo how come you don’t have the magazine’s logo tattooed on your body somewhere?TERRICause I’m not a complete fucking dork.BRIANThat’s a fair point.
Carl is talking to DAVE.NEALSo, Jean, how come you’re not changing the layout of the event program to fit in another ad?
(he takes a piece of paper from the table)JEANHow come you’re not running around screaming like SpongeBob Square Pants because I made a tiny change?HELENChildren. I’ll turn this ballroom around right now.
Ivan and Flo walk up to the table.CARLI like the idea of Linux, but I guess I’m partial to operating systems that have, I don’t know, applications that run on them.DAVEYou’re so damn picky.CARLI mean, any platform is stable if you never actually run software on it.
Ivan looks like he’s about to slug Carl.FLOHere they are, the stars of the consumer electronics publishing industry, looking down on us as if from Mount Olympus.
(she’s had a few)CARLOlympus? Nah, I prefer Fuji.GEORGEMount Fuji?CARLAh, mount him yourself.IVANA regular Algonquin round table you’ve got here. Flo, I’m not sure we belong here.CARLI never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.BRIANCarl, behave.CARLI am being have.
FLO
I just wanted to say good luck tonight.BRIANAnd you, too.
(politically)CARLKick ass with that Best Table of Contents Award.
EXT. CARL’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHTBRIANCarl!FLOAh, hubris. “Pride: the first peer and president of hell.” Come on, Ivan.
They move to another table.BRIANCarl, I love you like a brother, but you can be a real asshole sometimes.CARLJust having a little fun.BRIANWell, it may come back to haunt you.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CARL’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
It is the same evening, just after the awards ceremony. Carl’s apartment is very spartan—-there are a few chairs, but that’s about it. There is a small bookshelf on one wall. Contrary to what you would expect, there are no gadgets, appliances, or anything else to suggest that Carl is an expert on technology. There isn’t even a television. Carl, Brian, Janice, George, Neal, Helen, Jean, Terri, Dave, and Ed are standing and sitting around, drinks and snacks in hand. Everyone is in extremely high spirits. Brian stands and holds a drink aloft.
There is a resounding “Amen” from the choir. Brian sits.BRIANEveryone! Now that we’re all here, I just want to say congratulations to everyone in this room. That we won Best Publication is a coup I never would have predicted in a million years.
(to the room)NEALO ye of little faith!
(good-naturedly)BRIANEveryone in the room is a winner. This was a team effort, from our editor Neal and the writers to the sales guys selling ads for us, all the way down to the circulation department which makes sure that people actually receive the issue! So eat, drink, and be merry—CARLFor tomorrow we die!BRIANNo, no, no. We had a great year last year, and this year will be even better! Y2K was a bust—-CARLAs I predicted!BRIAN…and I have nothing but good feelings about the new millennium. Welcome to the 21st century! To the staff of Cool Gadgets—-the best there is.
Janice exits.GEORGEI’m sorry you didn’t win. I was pulling for you.
(embracing Janice)JANICEIt was an honor just to be nominated.
(sarcastically)CARLOh, bullshit.JANICEExactly. You know, Carl, this apartment is the last place I would have expected you to live.CARLWhy?JANICEI was expecting some high-tech apartment where everything was automated, and robots opened the door.GEORGEYeah. Jesus, Carl, you don’t even have a TV!CARLI spend up to 12 hours a day at work dealing with gadgets. When I get home it’s nice to have some peace.JANICEYou do have a bathroom, right?CARLDid you see the outhouse in the backyard?JANICEHuh?CARLDown the hall, second door on the right.GEORGEIt’s not crowded, is it?JANICEJust bite me, George.
George and Neal exit into the kitchen. Brian and Carl sit in silence a moment.NEALI need a refill. Anyone for another round?GEORGEI’ll come with you. I need more chips. And I want to talk to you about a feature idea I had.NEALOK.
George and Neal wander out. Janice returns and physically attaches herself to George.CARLYou haven’t been around the office very much lately.BRIANI’ve been around.CARLNot as much as you used to.BRIANCarl, I used to live in the office at one time. Remember that?CARLThose were the days.BRIANYou romanticize the past like no one I’ve ever known. Let’s face it, Carl, things pretty much sucked for a good long time. These are the best of times, my old friend.CARLWhat a terrifying thought.BRIANWhen have things been better? The last two months have been our best ever. Everyone is firing all cylinders. Even Tom Braxton. I don’t know what kind of pep talk I gave him, but I have to say, he rose to the occasion. Life. Is. Good.CARLPhilistine.BRIANHow am I a Philistine? I think selling ads is a good idea, especially if you’re publishing a magazine. We provide useful, practical information to our readers. But we can’t provide that information to our readers if we can’t afford to print the magazine.CARLWe managed in the past.BRIAN(sighs)Do we have to have this conversation again?CARLWe had ideas back then. We had ideals back then.BRIANWe have the same ideas and ideals now that we had then. We just also happen to have more money now.CARLIt’s different.BRIANOf course it’s different. We’re 15 years older and that much wiser. Carl, divest yourself of this notion right now: we were not young and idealistic, and we did not have a vision of anything. We started a magazine because we both hated working for other people and other people hated us working for them. So it was either start our own business or sell pencils on Market Street.CARLIt’s hard to find good pencils on Market Street these days.BRIANAnd I’d buy all your “oh, the old days were so great” argument a lot more if I didn’t remember that you bitched about things at the time.CARLWhat can I say? Things always look better in retrospect.
There is a stunned silence.GEORGEAnd what’s going on here?CARLWe’re reminiscing.BRIANYeah, that’s something I want to do. This is the 21st century, man. It’s time to look forward.GEORGEI know I’m looking forward to it.
Brian stands up.BRIANEveryone! Can I have your attention, please! One last time, I promise.(everyone quiets down and stares at him)I was going to call a meeting at the office later this week, but I think I should make this announcement now.(He pauses.)We’re all in high spirits right now, as well we should be. But it’s all going to get better. Today-—in fact, this evening at the awards ceremony—-I have decided to step down as publisher of this magazine. This evening, I finalized the arrangements to sell Cool Gadgets magazine.
There remains a stunned silence.BRIANGood, everyone is stunned, that’s just what I was going for.NEALYou sold the magazine? To whom?BRIANJuno Mass Media.CARLOh, Christ...BRIANThey publish about 70 or so other consumer and business-to-business magazines, including—CARLOh, Christ—BRIANModern Electronics. I’ve been wanting to ease my way out of publishing for some time, and I also felt that this was the best way to take the magazine to the next level. With Neal’s guidance, we made it this far, but with the resources of a large publishing company behind us, the sky’s the limit.
There is nervous laughter.JANICESo...will I finally get a real desk?
There still remains a stunned silence.BRIANYes, you’ll get a real desk. There’s no reason to be paranoid about the future.
Everyone looks at Carl for some kind of retort, but he is sitting quietly. He is deeply hurt.BRIANI’ll explain all the details in a staff meeting on Friday. Now, eat drink and be merry...
Brian tries to put an arm around Carl’s shoulder, but Carl flings it off. He stands up, glowers at Brian, glowers even more ferociously at Neal, and marches out the door with a slam. Everyone looks after him. He returns, looking sheepish.BRIANCarl...
DISSOLVE TO:CARLThis is my apartment. Damn!
To be continued...
