First up as the new year opens: the second part of the Mass Medea screenplay, so get out your turkey basters! Part one is here.
"Mass Media"
An Original Screenplay--Part 2
An Original Screenplay--Part 2
EXT. LOU’S PLACE - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LOU’S PLACE - NIGHT
Lou’s Place is the neighborhood pub where the Cool Gadgets staff gathers after hours. It is almost midnight. Brian and Jean are sitting at a table, drinking. George and Janice are sitting at an adjacent table. George has some sheets of paper (the New York Times Crossword Puzzles for the past week) in front of him and is filling them in sporadically. Janice sits close to him, shoulder to shoulder, ostensibly helping him. George does not mind in the slightest. Neal enters and sits down at Brian’s table.
Jean sticks her tongue out at him.NEALWell, Helen’s on her way to the service bureau with the last of the page files.(to Jean)Despite your best efforts to impede our progress, we got the issue out anyway.
They all join him.NEALPut that thing away unless you plan to use it.BRIAN(raises a bottle of beer)To another issue in the can.
Neal looks over at GEORGE and JANICE.BRIANCarl left?NEALHe slunk off into the night to live his sordid and mysterious secret life.BRIANIt’s not that mysterious.NEALSordid?BRIANDamn right.
He writes it in the grid.NEALWhat are they doing?JEANThey apparently found a common interest.
(smiling knowingly)GEORGEFifty-six across—“some staff openings...”
(reading a crossword clue)JANICE“Some staff openings...” Hmm...GEORGE“Bass clefs.”JANICE“Bass clefs”?GEORGEYeah. See? Because then fifty-seven down is “Fog.”
Brian, Neal, and Jean are watching them amusedly.JANICEAh, I see. And that means that sixty-one across, “Comic Phillips,” is “Emo.”GEORGEAh, yes, Emo Phillips. The world’s most famous comedian, according to the editor of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.
Neal, Jean, and Brian both snap their heads to look at her.NEALCould you ever get that excited over a crossword puzzle?BRIANWith the right company, you bet.NEALSince the issue’s gone, would you mind if I knocked off at noon tomorrow?BRIANNo, that’d be fine.NEALThis weekend is my punishment for working 18 hours a day all week. We’re taking the kids up to Muir Woods. I’ll probably need to work another 18 hours a day next week just to recover.JEANOh, that should be fun. The weather’s supposed to be great.JANICESixteen down: “Build....”NEALOther people have fun in Muir Woods. I just get eaten by bugs.JANICE“Erect”!
(loudly)
Brian bursts into hysterical laughter, as does Neal.BRIANExcuse me?GEORGEA puzzle answer.BRIANThank God for that. You know, guys, it’s before midnight. This is the earliest we’ve finished an issue in a long time. Anyone want to venture a guess as to why?JANICEBecause you had me helping out?BRIANGood answer, but no.GEORGEBecause we’re getting so damn efficient?NEALFuck no.
(in jest...sort of)BRIANIt’s because I gave Neal the ability to sign off on most of the pages without my needing to approve them.NEALOr make your weedy last-minute changes.JEANHey, I always thought there was nothing like having two micromanagers in charge of the same project to kill any notion of productivity.NEALI am not a micromanager!BRIANNeal, I admit that I’m a micromanager, but, let’s face it, you manage at the molecular level.
(good-naturedly)NEALI most certainly do not.BRIANLet’s see: I still have vivid memories of the one-hour hyphen argument. Oh, and let’s not forget the infamous “state abbreviation” fight.NEALThat’s not micromanagement. All the issues I bring up are the normal stylistic issues that any copy editor would flag. Careful copy editing is not micromanagement.BRIANThere’s a difference between copy editing and “comma-chasing,” especially when we’re in a rush to get to the printer.NEAL“Comma-chasing”?BRIANIt’s a term I invented, yes. To refer to your micromanagement!NEALUnlike some of the things you’ve brought up.BRIANSuch as?NEALThree words: Claude Jackson’s tie.
Brian and Neal are now both in hysterics.GEORGEClaude Jackson’s tie?
Brian checks his watch and stands up.NEALThis was before your time, George, but we ran a big news story on Claude Jackson, who was the CEO of WirePro at the time. He had just won some techie award, and we ran a fairly large photo of him. Except...BRIANI don’t know who let him out of the house dressed like that.NEALHe was wearing this little stub of a tie. He looked ridiculous.BRIANHe looked like Fred Flintstone.NEALSo Brian decided to open the picture in Photoshop and edit the image to make his tie longer.BRIANLook, the guy’s an old friend, the award was a big deal, and I didn’t want him to look silly.GEORGEBecause everyone else in the computer industry is known for their impeccable fashion sense.NEALIt was after midnight and you spent an hour fighting with that damn tie!BRIANIt had a weird pattern that was hard to clone.NEALHelen was so pissed.BRIANThe irony is that Claude got pissed at me when he saw it. Apparently his seven-year-old daughter gave him that tie.NEALThere’s a lesson to be learned: don’t micromanage the wardrobe of people in the pictures we run!BRIANYeah, yeah, yeah.
Neal stands up.BRIANHey, guys, I’m gonna take off. George, Janice, if you want to come in late tomorrow, you’re welcome to do so. Or, if you want to come in at the usual time and leave early, you’re welcome to do that, too. Either way is fine with me.NEALYeah, same here. I think I’m going to take off now, too.
Neal and Brian exit.NEALThanks, everyone, great job. I think the issue looks really good. Good work. Especially you, Janice, considering this was literally your first day on the job. Nothing like trial by fire! Good night.BRIANGood night.GEORGE & JANICEGood night.
(in unison)
Jean exits. George and Janice look at each other awkwardly for a moment.JEANI’m off, too. Goodnight, guys.GEORGE & JANICEGood night, Jean.
(in unison)
They exit.GEORGEWell, we’ve got a week’s worth of crossword puzzles.JANICEI barely had any lunch. Does this place have food?GEORGEActually, I’m starving, too. I know a great cheap Italian place on Columbus.JANICEIs it open this late?GEORGE“Is it open this late,” she asks. This is San Francisco, the city that never sleeps.JANICEActually, New York is the city that never sleeps.GEORGEWell, then we got a raw deal in the nickname department, because New York could only dream about getting as little sleep as this city.JANICEBut since they never sleep they could never actually dream about it.GEORGEGood point. Actually, just between you and me, once in a while I do wish it would take a little nap.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MODERN ELECTRONICS’ OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
Modern Electronics magazine is located in an office building in Midtown Manhattan.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FLO’S OFFICE - DAY
FLO ESTRINE, 40, is sitting at her desk typing on the computer. IVAN VERDESCHI, 36, enters, holding a copy of Cool Gadgets. Ivan’s name is pronounced “EE-van.”
Flo looks up.IVANFlo, have you seen this?
Flo frustratedly whips off her reading glasses and tosses them across her desk. They slide across the surface and fly off the edge. Ivan darts over and catches them before they hit the floor.FLOI don’t know. What is it?IVANThe latest issue of Cool Gadgets.FLODo I want to?IVANThey got an interview with Camilla Dane.
He holds open the inside back cover and hands Flo her reading glasses. She puts them on, looks at the ad, and whips her glasses off again, tossing them to the desk. She glares up at Ivan.FLOCamilla Dane?IVANYeah.FLOWe’ve been trying to score an interview with her for months. She won’t even return Anita’s calls. All we can get is Webcorp’s PR flak. Damn!IVANThat’s not all. Look at the ad they got for Cover 3.
Ivan saunters back around the desk and puts his arms around her.FLOI’m gonna get shit for this.IVANNo, I’m gonna get shit for this. I’m your boss—and you know I’m not going to give you shit. I’m the one who has to answer to Rick.FLOI’m sure I’ll get a nasty call all my own.IVANYou know, I’ve heard through the grapevine that Morse and his reps are notorious for ignoring the rate card.FLOOh, come on, Ivan, who isn’t?IVANI wouldn’t be surprised if they just ran it without an insertion order.FLONo, I believe they got it. It’s a good magazine. They’re beating us fair and square. What bugs the crap out of me is that they came out of nowhere! Modern Electronics has been the number one consumer electronics publication for 8 years. Cool Gadgets was seemingly torn from the thigh of Zeus less than three years ago and immediately shoots right past us.IVAN“Torn from the thigh of Zeus”?FLOSorry. I had a meeting with Olympus this morning. I’ve been using Greek myth analogies all day.
IVANIs that why you called me Hercules this morning?
(suggestively)FLO“Heracles.” “Hercules” was the Roman name.IVANHeracles. Sorry.FLOAnd all I meant was that watching you try to eat breakfast with my dogs around reminded me of Heracles battling the Hydra.IVANThe Harpies would have been a better comparison.FLOI know. I’m completely off my game today. Ivan, what am I doing here? I should have stayed a college professor.IVANDidn’t you say you hated the politics of academia?FLOI did, didn’t I? So of course I came to Juno Mass Media because large publishing companies are completely free from any internal politics.IVANIt’s not politics, it’s just that if you don’t look out for your own interests you’re gonna get screwed. You didn’t keep Modern Electronics on top for all those years because you let Clive dick you around. And you can bet that if you sat by and let Clive always get his way he’d be publisher now.FLOWhatever. Anyway, when does Rick get back from Tokyo?IVANNext Wednesday.FLOHere’s what I want. I’m going to set up a teleconference with all the sales reps this afternoon and I am going to impress upon them that before Wednesday, each rep will need to have at least two new high-profile accounts--12-month contracts or better—-or they’ll be fired, and out of a cannon, if necessary.IVANGod, Flo, I love it when you start getting strict.
(his passions becoming inflamed)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. COOL GADGETS OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
The Cool Gadgets main editorial and production room, about 9:30. It is several weeks after the previous scene. Janice is sitting at her table, which now has a computer atop it; Neal, George, Helen, and Brian are in their respective offices. George is typing diligently on his computer, Helen is using a desktop scanner to scan a stack of photographs, and both Brian and Neal are on the phone. Janice is looking through a Post Office mail bin filled with press releases.
Carl enters.
Janice takes a piece of paper out of the postal bin.CARLBatten down the hatches. They just called from the car. They’re on 101 and just passed the airport. They’ll be here in about 15 minutes.JANICEWho?CARLWho? Neal didn’t tell you?JANICETell me what?CARLVendor meeting.JANICEI don’t know what that means.CARLVendor meeting. A meeting with a vendor.JANICEI figured as much. I still don’t know what it means.CARLAll the companies that develop products send out teams of marketing lackeys, clueless PR flaks, and socially and hygienically inept technogeeks to try to convince unsuspecting magazine editors that they have developed the greatest thing since sliced bread.JANICEI take it they haven’t?CARLAs overrated as sliced bread may be, the answer is: usually, no.
She hands the paper to him. He reads it, then smiles.JANICECarl? I’m hunting for good new products for the New Products department. Is this anything?
Carl takes it and reads it.CARLI have no idea. What the hell is it? It says it’s a “system” of some kind, but I’m not entirely certain what it does.JANICESo I take it it’s not anything?CARLIt’s a ploy to get their stock price up by announcing vaporware that does jack shit.JANICECould you be more cynical?CARLYou forget that I’ve been doing this a few years.JANICEWhat about this?
(hands him another piece of paper)
Neal hangs up his phone and wanders out.CARLAh, see, now this is useful. I could see why someone would want this. It’s a useful and practical way to transfer data from the removable media used by digital camera to a PC. In your search for newsworthy products, let “useful” and “practical” be words to guide you.JANICEAh.CARLAnd anything that has a dot-com in its name should be ignored outright. Just what the world needs: another fucking IPO from a dot-com company to help hasten the next great economic collapse.JANICEI don’t think that will happen.CARLI’ll bet you a year’s severance pay.
Neal’s phone rings, and he walks into his office to answer it.NEALIs NetSpider on their way?CARLFifteen minutes.NEALCool.CARLYou say that now.JANICECarl doesn’t hold out a lot of hope that their product will be of any interest.NEALI don’t even know what it is. They made me sign a non-disclosure agreement and wouldn’t tell me what I was agreeing to not disclose.CARLThat’s always a sure sign that it’s going to suck. The other is if they have some useless, gimmicky toy that they give out right at the beginning of the meeting. There is a direct mathematical relationship between the speed at which they hand out cutesy promotional crapola and the utter uselessness of the product they’re promoting.NEALCarl, have you ever heard of Herbert Spencer’s phrase “contempt prior to investigation”?CARLOf course. It’s my personal motto.NEALSuch negativity. Is the conference room set up?CARLYes, I had Terri do it this morning.
He hangs up and walks out of his office.NEALNeal Mosley....Yes, great, send them up, thanks.
(on phone)
They all exit.NEALThey’re he-e-e-re.
(imitating girl from Poltergeist)CARLLet the carnage begin.NEALOh, Janice, could you do me a big favor? I hate to ask this of editorial staff, but could you bring a few cups of coffee to the conference room? I’d ask Terri but I’d like to have the option of fathering children again someday.JANICESure.NEALThanks. To the conference room.CARLIf we’re not back in three days, send in the National Guard.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The Cool Gadgets conference room contains a large table surrounded by about a half dozen chairs. Several copies of the magazine are fanned out on the table. On one wall is a large poster of a Cool Gadgets magazine cover. There is a white dry erase board on the far wall that has “Dot-Coms Suck” in large red letters. As Neal and Carl enter, Neal sees the lettering and rushes to erase it.
The NetSpider team enters: BOB, JENNY, and KEN.NEALYour doing, no doubt.CARLI’d prefer you leave it up there. Maybe it’ll ward them off like a talisman.
They all begin shaking hands.NEALWelcome to Cool Gadgets. I’m the editor-in-chief Neal Mosley, and this is Carl Hogarth, our product guy.
There is a mass exchange of business cards amongst all five people. Neal takes out a PalmPilot. The visitors follow suit, and there is a mass beaming of info back and forth. Carl looks on amusedly.CARLHi, there.JENNYMr. Mosley, I’m Jenny Kelly, director of publicity for NetSpider. This is Bob Bunnell, director of marketing for NetSpider, and this is Ken Kim, who is one of our product developers, and can help answer any technical questions you may have.NEALNice to meet you.
They all sit around the table, Neal and Carl on one side, Bob, Jenny, and Ken on the other. Ken removes a laptop computer from a satchel, places it on the table, and starts it up.BOBDo you have a PalmPilot? I can beam you my contact info.CARLI have five of them. But, no, thanks. I prefer printed business cards.NEALPlease, have a seat.
Bob takes out a bag and removes some T-shirts. He hands one to Neal and one to Carl.KENThis’ll just take like a minute to boot up.CARL
(looking at business card)So you guys are based in L.A.BOBRight, in Torrance.NEALI don’t know that I’ve ever been to Torrance.JENNYYou’re not missing much.(takes out a tote bag)While Ken is starting up, let me hand out some press kits that will provide some details about what we’re going to show you today.(takes out a stack of folders and hands one to CARL and one to NEAL)And I do have to remind you that the embargo date is August third, so we do ask that you hold any editorial coverage until that date.NEALThat’s not a problem.CARLWhat with that being next week.
Carl holds it up.BOBAnd these are some promotional T-shirts we thought you’d enjoy.
Bob also removes several large plastic spiders from his bag.CARLAm I allowed to wear it before August third?BOBYes, I think so.
(laughs)
Carl picks one up and turns it over.BOBAnd these are our unofficial mascots, the “NetSpider” itself.JENNYOur logo and Web address are printed on its underside.
Neal shoots him a glare that implies “behave.” He places the spider on the edge of the table near the door.CARLSo they are. Look, Neal, giant toy spiders. Very interesting...
At that point, Janice enters carrying several cups of coffee. She sees the spiders on the table and SCREAMS, losing control of the coffee cups, and they fall to floor, with a SPLASH. She stares at the carnage.JENNYNow, our debut product, which we’re announcing on August third, is called StickyWeb, and is designed to empower the Internet-capable computer.CARLI see. And what specifically does that mean? In English.
She runs from the room.JANICEI’m so sorry. Let me get some towels...
(aghast)
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
In the newsroom, Janice runs in, sits at her table, and starts to cry. George hears, and comes out of his cubicle. He puts his arm around her.
George wipes away her residual tears, and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Janice exits. At that point Brian ambles out of his office.GEORGEWhat happened?JANICEGod, this is so unprofessional.GEORGEWhat happened?JANICEI spilled coffee all over the conference room floor. In front of guests. Important guests.GEORGEImportant guests? Here?JANICEThere were giant spiders on the table. I hate spiders. I’m terrified of spiders. I freaked out.GEORGEWhy were there giant spiders on the conference room table? Oh, I get it...”NetSpider”...spiders. Jeez... Look, it’s perfectly all right. We all do embarrassing things, believe me.JANICENeal is going to fire me.GEORGENeal is not going to fire you.JANICEI embarrassed Neal. Carl. The magazine.GEORGEBy spilling some coffee? Look, you do enough of these meetings, you’ll experience some real embarrassment! There have been meetings we’ve done in the middle of 18-hour production days and I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of them. There have been meetings during which Neal was stressed out and was cursing like a sailor the whole time. And Carl! Carl tends to be brusque even under the best of conditions. And even the people we’ve met with have had all sorts of problems. So spilling some coffee is nothing.JANICEReally?GEORGEReally. So go get some paper towels, clean up the mess, take a seat, and finish the meeting. And tonight, I’ll take you for the best sushi on the West Coast.JANICEThe whole West Coast?GEORGEAh, what the heck. The best sushi on the West or any coast.JANICEIt’s a date.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYBRIANEverything OK?GEORGEEverything is great.BRIANI repeat the question.GEORGEBrian, I think I’m in love with Janice.BRIANThen everything is great.GEORGEYou’re telling me.
Back in the conference room, Neal, Carl, Bob, Jenny, and Ken are sitting around the conference table.
She reaches into her bag and takes out a black object that looks like a small disk drive with a parallel cable hanging off it.JENNYWhen you surf the Web and you want to save a particular page, what do you do?CARLHit the Save command.BOBRight, but when you save it, you don’t know what format it’s going to be in. It could save it as text, or some other bizarre format, and very often it’ll be missing links and other elements.JENNYWe did some user surveys and we found that average everyday computer users—BOBEspecially inexperienced ones...JENNYRight, especially inexperienced computer users, really want to be able to save Web pages or even entire sites with the click of one button.CARLWell, they kind of can...NEALTrue, sometimes it can be a little hit or miss...
(granting the premise)JENNYThis is why we have developed a solution...
He picks it up and examines it. Janice returns with another batch of coffee.JENNYThe NetSpider StickyWeb has two components: storage hardware which comes with the StickyWeb application preinstalled, and the application itself.CARLI see.
Janice distributes the coffee to everyone in the room.JANICESorry about the spill. I’m terrified of spiders.CARLI hear you.NEALThanks, Janice. Don’t worry about it.JENNYWe were just introducing Neal and Carl to the NetSpider StickyWeb Web page saving solution.
Carl laughs.JANICEWeb page saving solution? What’s wrong with the Save command in Netscape?
Indeed, wisps of smoke are emerging from the back of Ken’s computer. The smoke gets thicker.BOBAnyway, why don’t we give you a demo and show you how it works. Ken...KENI got a bit of a problem here.BOBOh?KENI can’t get the laptop to boot. Give me a few minutes; let me try a few things.NEALDo you smell smoke?
Ken gives him a nasty glare.CARLDoes it always do that?KENI made some adjustments to the motherboard last night.JENNYMaybe you should just shut down. We don’t want to burn down the building.
(nervously)CARLYou’d get some interesting coverage in our magazine.NEALWe’ve got a spare laptop, if you want to use that.CARLAnd it doesn’t burst into flames either.
She gets up and leaves.BOBCould we? That’d be a real help. We really don’t want to you miss out on this demo.NEALSure, it’s no problem. Janice, could you please run over to my office. There’s the spare laptop in a carrying case on the right side of my desk.JANICESure.
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
Janice walks briskly through the newsroom. George is in his office on the phone. Brian is standing by the server staring at it. He notices Janice.
Brian laughs. Janice ducks into Neal’s office, rummages around the desk, and grabs the satchel. She dashes back out. Brian returns his attention to the server. Terri enters carrying a heavy postal bin. She sets it down next to Janice’s table. Brian notices her.BRIANHow’s the meeting going?JANICETheir computer exploded.
Terri turns to leave, then remembers something. She takes a pink phone slip from her pocket.BRIANTerri! What up?TERRIMan, you guys get a shitload of mail.BRIANI know. But don’t worry; in a few years it’ll all be electronic.TERRIIf I’m still delivering mail and answering phones in a few years I’m gonna jump off the Golden Gate BridgeBRIANFair point.
Brian takes the slip.TERRIOh, while you were on the phone before you got a call from a Rick Schultz at Juno Mass Media. He said it was urgent and that you’d know what it was about.
Terri exits. Brian stares at the slip intently for a few moments.BRIANYeah, thanks. Hey, Terri—TERRIYeah?BRIANAre you happy here?TERRIBrian, I’m the secretary. It sucks. I’m just doing it until I finish school.BRIANI know, it’s a sucky job, but I mean as far as sucky jobs go, are you happy here?TERRII suppose. I mean, you’re a pretty good boss and there aren’t too many assholes working here. Why—-are you firing me?
(shrugs)BRIANNo, of course not. I’m just curious. That’s all. Anyway, forget I asked.TERRI(a tad confused)OK.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Neal’s laptop is in front of Bob, who is attaching the black NetSpider device to the back. Everyone watches. Ken looks on morosely.
Neal, Carl, and Janice move to stand behind BOB.BOBOK, we’re ready to rock.
Everyone starts, as there is a bright flash on the screen.BOBNow, the way this works is, when the device is connected to the parallel port, it’s visible in Windows Explorer as would any external storage device. Now, you double-click to see the contents and there’s the StickyWeb application.NEALOK.BOBLaunch the application—
As the computer restarts, everyone takes five.JANICEWhoa!CARLThat’s not good.BOBThat’s never happened before.JENNYWhat happened?NEALThat was the most dramatic system crash I think I’ve ever seen.BOBYeah, we’re frozen pretty solid right now. Let me force a restart.
(rapidly clicking the mouse)
There is an awkward moment of silence. Bob returns his attention to the computer.KENIt’s, like, still in pre-beta, so there are still some problems.CARLYou think?
There is a bright flash—-accompanied by an audible “POP”—-that reflects off Bob’s glasses. They all jump back.BOBOK, we’re back. Now, we’ll try this again. Open Explorer...double-click the application. Aha! So far so good. Now, to save a Web site, just enter the URL in this field here, set the number of levels—-or, in other words, how many layers of links you want to save, and then hit Save and—-yah!
Bob slides the computer to Ken, who begins noodling with it.NEALHoly shit!JANICEOh, my God. I’ve never seen anything like that before.BOBO-o-o-o-kay-y-y-y... Um... I can’t seem to restart...KENLet me have a look...
INT. NEWSROOM - DAYCARLI have to say, your product team has developed some novel ways of crashing a computer.JENNYThat really wasn’t our intention.
(really irritated)BOBAnyway, I think you get the idea of how our system works.
(sweating profusely)CARLOh, yeah.NEALUm, about my computer....
(to Ken)KENYeah, look, I hate to say this but the hard drive is, like, gone.NEALWhat do you mean “gone”?KENIt’s been totally wiped out. There’s like nothing here.
(seems to find it funny)NEALLike what the fuck are you talking about?KENIt’s been erased. That’s pretty incredible.NEAL“Incredible”?CARLI’ll take care of it. I’ve got some tools that may be able to recover everything. Just leave it alone, I’ll take care of it.BOBI think we’ve taken up enough of your time this morning.NEALWell, thanks for coming in....
(almost sincerely)
A few moments later, Janice and Neal return to their respective desks/offices. Carl follows. Neal is extremely upset and punches his wall. George looks sheepishly at Neal, and approaches Janice.
CUT TO:GEORGEWow. What happened?JANICELet’s just say that my spilling coffee was the highlight of the meeting.CARLWhat a terrifying thought. Just so you don’t get the wrong idea about vendor meetings, usually there’s far less physical destruction.
To be continued...
