Friday, November 28, 2008
La La Londinium
As I eagerly anticipate my and Ken A.'s Christmas jaunt to London next month, I finally got around to uploading pictures from my last two London trips to Picasa. Anyone interested can click the links to check out online slideshows of my August 2007 and April 2008 trips.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Soon We'll Be Talking About Real Money?
Barry Ritholtz at The Big Picture blog puts the current financial bailout in perspective:
If we add in the Citi bailout, the total cost now exceeds $4.6165 trillion dollars. People have a hard time conceptualizing very large numbers, so let’s give this some context. The current Credit Crisis bailout is now the largest outlay In American history.Or, as the famous quote from Everett McKinley Dirksen has it, "A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money." Although perhaps if we inflation-adjust his quote: "A trillion here, a trillion there..."
Jim Bianco of Bianco Research crunched the inflation adjusted numbers. The bailout has cost more than all of these big budget government expenditures – combined:
• Marshall Plan: Cost: $12.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $115.3 billion
• Louisiana Purchase: Cost: $15 million, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $217 billion
• Race to the Moon: Cost: $36.4 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $237 billion
• S&L Crisis: Cost: $153 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $256 billion
• Korean War: Cost: $54 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $454 billion
• The New Deal: Cost: $32 billion (Est), Inflation Adjusted Cost: $500 billion (Est)
• Invasion of Iraq: Cost: $551b, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $597 billion
• Vietnam War: Cost: $111 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $698 billion
• NASA: Cost: $416.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $851.2 billion
TOTAL: $3.92 trillion
data courtesy of Bianco Research
That is $686 billion less than the cost of the credit crisis thus far.
The only single American event in history that even comes close to matching the cost of the credit crisis is World War II: Original Cost: $288 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $3.6 trillion
The $4.6165 trillion dollars committed so far is about a trillion dollars ($979 billion dollars) greater than the entire cost of World War II borne by the United States: $3.6 trillion, adjusted for inflation (original cost was $288 billion).
Go figure: WWII was a relative bargain.
I estimate that by the time we get through 2010, the final bill may scale up to as much as $10 trillion dollars…
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Lights, Gamera, Action
In the 1950s and 60s, the Godzilla films were a very popular and successful movie franchise, and soon the Toho Company (the studio that produced many of the most successful of the Japanese monster movies) were inflicting all manner of giant, mutated creatures on Japan—Rodan, Mothra, Ghidorah, and all the other denizens of Monster Island. There were 28 Godzilla movies alone, and soon the daikaiju eiga (giant monster cinema) was a thriving industry. For American audiences, these movies often included additional filmed scenes of the U.S. military calling most of the shots (as it were).
Naturally, other studios started getting in on the action, including the Daiei Motion Picture Company which launched the successful (though not as successful as Godzilla) Gamera giant flying turtle series. Like the Godzilla movies, these were staples of 1970s Saturday afternoon UHF station creature-feature series. The Gamera movies also featured additional American footage—interestingly, there are several versions of the original Gamera floating around. In addition to the original Japanese version, there are two American versions, which feature different footage. The Sandy Frank version called simply Gamera was shown on MST3K and features an American general who sounds like a cross between Buddy Hackett and Curly from the Three Stooges, as well as some bad dubbing (well, not that any of the dubbing was especially good in these movies). Another, which is the one I have in my sci-fi box set, is called Gammera the Invincible (the extra “m” is for extra “monster” perhaps) and features a slightly higher caliber of American character actor (Brian Donleavy, Dick O‘Neill, Albert Dekker, Alan Oppenheimer—no, the names are not familiar, but you’d know them if you saw them). Gammera the Invincible also features a cool surf-guitar theme song.
Of course, all the “m”s in the world won’t make Gam(m)era any more watchable. Still, it does have that goofy cheese factor that makes them so appealing as lazy Saturday afternoon TV fodder.
Other entries in this Mis-Treatment series of silly sci-fi movie recaps include:
Auteur(s)/Perpetrators: Noriaki Yuasa/Sandy Howard
Star of Shame: a 1960s character actor buffet
Monster: Giant flying turtle (aka sweaty Japanese guy in rubber suit)
“Plot”: Prehistoric giant turtle is accidentally released from frozen Arctic ice, destroys Japanese cities, befriends child
By the way, no model shop owners were harmed in the making of this movie.
Speaking of which, we open on a squadron of model airplanes and cut down to a bathtub where a toy boat is cutting through the ice. Don’t you hate it when you run out of hot water in the middle of a bath? It is, the narrator tells us
breathlessly, an expedition of Canadian, American, and Japanese seamen cutting through the Arctic looking for “an open route across the top of the continent: Henry Hudson’s fabled Northwest Passage.” Unfortunately, all they found was Northwest Airlines, which is hardly the same thing.
Meanwhile, Dr. A.J. Hidaka and his team of zoologists (is that what they are?) are also in the vicinity, studying the native animal life (which shouldn’t take long). They approach an Eskimo village. Accompanying Dr. Hidaka is a photographer named Aoyagi, and Kyoke, Hidaka’s assistant. The photographer immediately complains about the cold.
Out of an igloo comes the Eskimo leader. “Hi, boys and Girls, I’m Jimmy Carl Black and I'm the Eskimo of the group.” He welcomes Dr. Hidaka, and then advises him, “Watch out where the huskies go and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” (Nah, I'm only kidding; Jimmy Carl Black didn't play on Zappa’s Apostrophe(’) album.) They are buzzed by sound effects of jets passing over.
Back in the bathtub, the captain of the toy boat is freaked out by the planes. It is also insinuated that Dr. Hidaka and co. were on the boat, but it’s really not clear. They send a telegraph to what the onscreen graphic identifies as “adquarters Air Defense Sect” in North Alaska. I guess this was a widescreen movie at one point, or someone was trying to type the graphic while wearing mittens. (It was apparently widescreen, because the violent panning and scanning can very easily make one seasick.)
We meet some of the American military personnel. Sgt. Susan Embers isn’t in the scene for a minute before she is leered at by her male “superiors” (in rank only, methinks, and “rank” is certainly the right word) with lines like “Baby, it’s cold outside” and “He’s right, gorgeous. You gotta thaw out.” Where’s Gamera when you need him? Can we go back to Jimmy Carl Black and the Eskimos of Invention? “Remember that airmen don’t drool, they obey,” she says by way of retort. Gamera! Gamera! Gamera!
Thankfully, we are interrupted from this witty, Aaron Sorkin-esque dialogue by the clacking of the teletype machine. A report is handed to General O’Neill, played by character actor Dick
O’Neill. He looks so familiar—what was he in? (A check of IMDb instead prompts the question, “What wasn’t he in?”)
Anyway, he receives a message from the Japanese explorer ship Cheddar Romero. Can that be right? So what was in the message? “Four UFOs headed toward our missile sites.” The general is not pleased, and starts barking random orders, only a couple of which make actual sense. (What does “ride herd” mean? Is that military code?) He asks to speak with another general. I’d prefer to speak with someone specific, but that's probably just me.
Finally, air defense is calling. Well, a guy in a plane. The general informs him that four unknowns are “in your area.” Yow, that can't be good. The pilot is ordered to escort them to base. “If they resist, you are to use Plan Skylark and destroy.” Plan Skylark? “Hail to thee, blithe spirit” indeed. The general is one tough son of a Bysshe. The pilot then calls the general Roger, for some rea— Oh, I get it...
General O'Neill gets a call from the President. Everyone looks at each other oddly. O’Neill hangs up. “Red Alert.” The music kicks in and everyone begins scrambling. Even the teletype machine starts typing furiously...for some reason.
Models of Air Force jets chase down the “four bogies.” No bacalls, though. “Identify!” the pilot calls to the bogies. “Or I’ll cut the strings holding your planes up.” It would be pretty easy. “What is your nationality and flight plan?” And, “Do you like pina coladas? Getting caught in the rain? Making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape?” The bogies do not respond, but
fire something at the Air Force models— I mean, jets. The Air Force returns fire, and one of the UFOs goes down and explodes in the ice.
The pretty small explosion attracts the attention of Dr. Hidaka and the Eskimos. “Only a nuclear explosion could cause a blast like that,” says Kyoke. That tiny blast? Aoyagi kicks himself for staring at a cloud instead of taking pictures of it “A fine news photographer I am,” he says. But then given how he’s dressed I assumed he worked for Fop Monthly or something.
Back at adquarters, it is reported that a “one-megaton atomic bomb” has been detonated. The remaining bogies are heading back toward the Siberian border. “It appears to have been a single incident,” says the lieutenant. “Do you regard a nuclear explosion as a ‘single incident,’ Lieutenant?” barks the general. Well, when there is just one of them, by definition, yes.
Meanwhile, in the Arctic, the ice splits apart. Yep; guess who’s coming to dinner? The star of our show. And he is given quite the elaborate introduction. The ice loudly breaks apart, gusts of steam billow out, a blinding light shines from the chasm, and the spraying snow looks like someone is snowblowing their driveway just off-camera.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Tropicana is proud to present, in his one-man show, “Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!,” Mr. entertainment himself, Gamera!
Oh, and now we get the titles. I think that was actually in Gamera's contract. And as the titles roll, Gamera does a little dance which is rather upsetting.
Back at adquarters, General O’Neill is on the phone with the President, and LBJ (I would think) informs him that the four Russian fighters—which is what the bogies apparently turned out to be—flew off course by accident. “Bull!” yells Captain Lovell with a cigar in his mouth. The General agrees with the President. They seem to be ignoring the 400-pound turtle in the room... Of course, part of the reason could be that “something” is interfering with the radio signal. What about the teletype that had been so trusty in the past? Ah, now it sits ever silent. “It just doesn’t make sense!” He orders Lovell to put more interceptors in the air to find out what is happening. He then orders Sgt. Embers to get him some more coffee. “And better make a new pot. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night.” Sure, the woman has to make the coffee. I bet Sgt. Embers is smoldering over that.
Back in the Arctic, the radio is not working, and they assume it is interference from the bomb, so Aoyagi and Dr. Hidaka decide to head back immediately. They bid farewell to the Eskimo chief, who then remembers an ancient Eskimo legend, wherein it is written...on whatever it is that they write it on up there...that if anything bad every happens to your eyes as the result of some sort of conflict with anyone named Nanook... (Sorry.) Anyway, the Eskimo chief reaches
into his pocket and removes what looks like a petrified porterhouse steak. I guess he used to be a waiter at Morton’s Steakhouse and this is what happens when those demo cuts of meat are used a little too often. (And why is the Eskimo elder wearing a crucifix attached to rosary beads? I didn’t know that Eskimos were Catholic. If that is a porterhouse he’s proffering, I hope it’s not Friday.) The Eskimo hands it to Dr. Hidaka and explains that it “is very old stone about cloud of death.” Dr. Hidaka immediately recognizes it, and reaches for some A1 Steak Sauce. “It is a primitive carving of a proto-chelonian.” A what? “An ancestral turtle like the leatherback.” Right. He asks the Eskimo guy if there is a legend associated with the porterhouse. Oh, what are the odds? “Yes. A very old story about death and evil.” Of course. Aren’t all ancient legends about death and evil? Just once I’d like to read an ancient legend that featured puppies and butterflies and happy children frolicking. But no. They always have to be about evil and death. The Eskimo adds, “About Gamera!” And at that, dogs start yelping and children start running. I think we’re all on board with that. Dr. Hidaka shows the steak to everyone else. “There is a weird pattern in the background.” That’s just fat marbling. They try to decipher the pattern, which they initially think represents the sea. All the old Eskimo guy can offer is that it is evil and frightening. A big help he is.
While they are studying their cut of meat, across the tundra, Gamera destroys the model boat. Oh, and Gamera can shoot flames while at the same time making a noise that sounds like a combination of a cat in heat and bagpipes. It’s a noise not far removed from nails on a blackboard.
At adquarters, Capt. Lovell reports that the Cheddar Romero was destroyed “and all that remains is a huge crack in the ice—“ “What?!” shouts the general incredulously. And whatever you do, don’t call it a single incident. Lovell goes on to explain that Captain Foster (that must be one of the Air Force pilots) saw “a giant turtle walking away from the crash site. A huge creature, 150, maybe 200 feet tall.” Oh, that goes over well. General O’Neill barks orders to Sgt. Embers, including, “Tell General Arnold he must meet me.” In your usual candlelit restaurant, sir? He pauses for a beat. “A giant turtle!” he grouses. Bah!
We then cut to an obligatory montage of newspapers from around the world—all of which
oddly enough have only the single relevant headline in English, and the rest of the text in their native languages—reporting on a giant turtle controversy.
In New York, we are treated to a clip of a talk show—curiously enough shot without actually having a set—hosted by Mr. Standish, who could very easily be played by Joe Flaherty from SCTV. His guests are Dr. Contrare (!) and...some other guy. They immediately begin fighting about whether or not Gamera could exist. This is SCTV! Where’s Earl Camembert? Dr. Contrare takes Dr. Hidaka’s side, stating that his theories are the results of a life’s studies. Really? He was just given the porterhouse steak that explained it all a few minutes ago. Talk about life in a day... He also adds that tales of chelonians (turtles) date back to ancient Greece. Yes, and let’s not forget how one killed the playwright Aeschylus. “How big were turtles a million years ago? Or even a hundred million years ago?” asks Dr. Contrare, rather smugly. If only an eagle would drop a turtle on his head. The other guy says, “Oh, Dr. Contrare, every time you bray you make a bigger jackass of yourself.” “Read, you ignorant ape, read what intelligent men have written for thousands of years!” Dr. Contrare returns, in quite the lather. Then they start bellowing at each other. Still, they do advance more cogent arguments than any of the shrieking heads on cable news. “Where did you get your diploma,” asks Contrare’s adversary, “‘Made in Japan’?” Uh, is that really a line that should appear in this movie?
Blissfully, we then go to a Pan Am flight. Dr. Hidaka and his Scooby gang are flying back. Aoyagi reads a newspaper report of a flying saucer, and asks if there is a connection between it and the destruction of the Cheddar Romero. There is also a cigarette ad; is that related to the destruction of the Cheddar Romero? What about the white sale at Macy’s? Or story about the building code under fire? Dr. Hidaka is also convinced that all of this has something to do with Gamera, especially given the “overwhelming” evidence of the pilot’s report (which somehow he had heard of) and the Eskimo’s petrified porterhouse. They muse about how destructive Gamera would be if he were real. “Well, you’ve convinced me, Doctor,” says the photographer, who is credulous as hell. “Let’s hope General Arnold can convince the American people.” Why? What are they going to do about it? And who’s General Arnold? Did a couple of Japanese zoologists exploring the Arctic get a top secret American military briefing?
Anyway, we go to Washington, and a meeting of Senators and military brass. “Gentlemen, I think we all know why we’re here,” begins...someone (I think he’s the Secretary of Defense). General Arnold is asked for his report. Oh, so that’s General Arnold. He reports on the finding of giant footprints “like that of a giant turtle” leading away from the spot of the explosion toward where the ship was discovered. The Senators all roll their eyes, especially one who looks like Joe Flynn (he is never given a name). He’s having none of it. General Arnold explains that a UFO has been sighted over various world cities, moving around the globe in an easterly direction. It’s Gamera’s world tour. And where will the giant turtle end up? “It will be sighted next over Japan. I would estimate in five or six hours.” For some reason, he looks at his watch as he says this. Are he and Gamera synchronized? He then makes reference to Dr. Hidaka, and the Senator who looks like Joe Flynn complains that he has never heard of Dr. Hidaka and smugly announces that he has chaired science councils, and thus should apparently know every scientist in the world. He then does everything short of calling for the head of Dr. Hidaka to be brought to him on a pike. Which, in retrospect might not be a bad idea.
The Secretary of Defense cuts Joe Flynn down by saying “Dr. Hidaka is eminently qualified” Well, that told him. Apparently, Dr. Hidaka was rescued from the ice by “one of our heelicopters.” Heelicopters? They then apparently took Dr. Hidaka to the airport to catch the Pan Am flight, although you would think it would have made more sense to give him military transport if he was so important. Joe Flynn thinks the public should not be informed of Gamera, and thinks everyone is being alarmist.
This argument drags on for a while. No wonder nothing ever gets done in Congress.
“Gentlemen, I think we’re in for a time of it,” says the Secretary of Defense. Ya think? General Arnold is put in charge of the “Gamera Operation.”
Meanwhile, in Japan, a radio announcer informs a breathless public that Dr. Hidaka is due in Tokyo in a day. Back then, in 1960s Japan, Arctic zoologists were bigger than The Beatles, and throngs of teenage girls would frequently be waiting at the airport to greet their planes.
That evening, a drunk is staggering along a wooden bridge singing and swinging a Japanese lantern. He looks in the sky and beholds a flying saucer—presumably Gamera. Of course; there is always a drunk in these movies who sees the monster before anyone else. He gives a horrified cry in Japanese, which I think translates as “What crappy animation.”
The next day, we go to a lighthouse. Noburu Sakurai is a teenage girl and her nine-year-old brother, Toshio, apparently has some obsession with turtles. He is inseparable from his pet turtle, and he is reprimanded in school for drawing pictures of turtles instead of doing his schoolwork. He can’t even stop singing “Happy Together” or playing Terrapin Station. Toshio lives in a lighthouse without any friends. Gee, I can’t imagine why that would be.
That night after dinner, Noburu and their father stage a turtle intervention, because liking
things is just wrong. He is ordered to set his turtle free. “This may sound cruel—and it is—but I’m doing it for your own good.” Yep, you gotta be cruel to be kind. Sad music plays as Toshio walks outside and lets his turtle run free.
Speaking of turtles, guess who’s back? A head pokes up from behind a dune. Oh, it’s just Julian Cope. And with that breath of fire, fried indeed.
Nope, it’s Gamera, and Toshio for some reason runs to the top of the lighthouse. Man, that kid can sprint; he gets to the top before his father can finish yelling the name “Toshio,” which he does 500 times. Gamera knocks over the lighthouse, and Toshio hangs from the railing by his little hands—and falls. However, Gamera has a change of heart, catches the kid, and gently places him on the ground. Gamera then heads back out to sea, as Toshio realizes that Gamera saved his life—but neglects to consider that Gamera actually put his life in jeopardy to begin with. I suspect this won’t do much to quell Toshio’s turtle obsession.
Meanwhile, at the Tokyo Airport, Dr. Hidaka and his entourage finally arrive, even though it’s been like three weeks. He is swarmed by his throngs of admirers, his reputation only having grown the longer he has been in the air, for some reason. Walking through the terminal, he is immediately called to the phone. He makes some odd oinking sounds, then says “I’m practically on my way.” It was professor Murase, who reported that Gamera was spotted in Hokkaido “by a number of reliable witnesses.” I guess that means “sober ones.”
At Toshio’s house, everyone think the little loon is in bed, but he really runs out to the beach to look for his turtle. The turtle, wisely, refuses to come out of its shell.
At a nearby geothermal power station, workers react to what seems like a tremor. “We have them here all the time.” Was it wise to build a power station on a spot that has a lot of earthquakes? Anyway, it is decidedly not a tremor, but our old be-shelled friend, as the pilot of a model plane soon discovers. There are more tremors. “What is that?“ everyone yells. “It is an earthquake. Or a steam explosion.” You know, it might have been a good idea to hire people, or at least install instruments, that could tell the difference.
At Japanese military headquarters, Dr. Hidaka is treated like royalty, but Aoyagi the photographer is barred. Hidaka can’t do anything without his foppish sidekick, and pulls some strings. King Hidaka is then given the Gamera status report, and is told that Gamera has been spotted near the geothermal power plant. It then needs to be explained to him what geothermal power is. This guy knows everything there is to know about mythological giant turtles, but he doesn’t understand steam? I think he’s specialized a little too highly. The upshot, though, is that Hidaka does not know how to stop Gamera. He then asks what the power output of the power station is. 350,000 kilowatts. “It might just work,” he says cryptically. Well, the movie is only half over, so don’t count on it.
The military deploys its weaponry in an attempt to head off Gamera, but Brigadier General Hidaka asks that it be stopped to try his plan first. Ah, remember when scientists had complete control of the military?
Lord Hidaka gets on the walkie-talkie, and as Gamera approaches the power plant, starts getting all the circuits ready for full discharge. Gamera severs one set of wires, makes the cat in
heat/bagpipes noise, and Aoyagi comments, “It didn’t even slow him down.” Dr. Hidaka then says, “Yes, this was a mistake.” Now we know why kooky scientists aren’t put in charge of military operations. “Captain, you’d better give the order to attack.” Oh, is the great Lord Dr. Hidaka relinquishing command now? Tanks, cannons, and other large guns open fire, having even less effect on Gamera, just bouncing off his shell. And then Gamera starts eating flames. Or, as the military captain says, “It looks like he’s eating it.” Oh, I they’re all eating it right about now. Hidaka still continues barking out orders. “Evacuate the area, or at least the civilians. And call me a car.” What?
Hidaka and his Scooby gang pay a visit to Dr. Murase, another kooky scientist who is a dead ringer for a Japanese Orville Redenbacher. “You mean he ate the flames?” asks Dr. Murase, thinking that flames would be perfect for popping popcorn. Gamera eats fire? Well, there’s an Indian restaurant in Saratoga that makes a lamb vindaloo that’s pretty much the same thing. “His metabolism is not like ours.” Wow, a giant mutated turtle that was encased in ice for millions of years and eats fire has a metabolism that differs from that of humans? Inconceivable! “It’s not only conceivable but highly likely.” Ah. “His cell structure differs radically from known lifeforms.” “For example silicon or metallic elements replacing carbon in his tissues.” Now you’re just making stuff up. Says Dr. Murase, “I think his cells are made from popcorn kernels.” Hidaka had remembered to bring along the petrified porterhouse, and Dr. Murase ponders the strange wavy line symbols. “It could be melted butter,” he perhaps is thinking. “I don’t think they’re rhythmic enough for waves,” he says. What? It’s a rock carved by Eskimos, what do you want, photorealistic artwork? It’s probably not drawn to scale either. “Dr., it would be very useful if we could decipher this.” No! Really? Is there maybe another scientist they could consult?
At the power plant, the military watch helplessly as the bombs and missiles have no effect on Gamera. One officer comments, “Nothing short of an atom bomb would be any use.” His superior has a wild hare...
And he calls the American military and asks to borrow a cup of missiles. In the Senate council meeting (where it appears no one has moved for days), Joe Flynn is aghast. “One of our missiles! But that means getting the approval of our allies. I’m sure you’re aware of our peace treaties and our international obligations.” Surely they can make an exception for a giant mutated turtle. General Arnold is not in the mood for Senate stonewalling. “The destructive power of Gamera is beyond comprehension!” Well, not really; he just pulled down some power lines and broke a smokestack. Oh, and knocked over a lighthouse. I can pretty easily comprehend that. Hell, I’m more destructive before my second cup of coffee in the morning. Anyway, Joe Flynn starts pounding the table again, but the Secretary of Defense immediately shuts him up. He says to General Arnold, “You may inform General Yotobashi, Dr. Hidaka, and Dr. Morass (?) that our missiles are entirely at their disposal.” Should we really be arming flaky scientists? The Secretary then orders General Arnold to “get to it.” He then suggests they order lunch, “if you approve, senator,” he says sarcastically to Joe Flynn. And Joe Flynn responds, without moving his mouth in the slightest, “You can expect my complete cooperation.” How did he do that? Is he a ventriloquist? The Secretary then says, “I expect nothing less, sir,” and his mouth movements do not match the dialogue. Wow, they can’t even properly dub American dialogue in this movie.
Meanwhile, in Japan, Dr. Redenbacher arrives at the front line. He is informed that “The Americans are going to attack Gamera with nuclear missiles.” Lord King Hidaka then chimes in. “No, wait. The missiles won’t do any good. It’s more likely they’ll serve as a source of energy.” Hasn’t this guy been wrong about everything up to now? “All right, if you say so,” says General Yotobashi. Well, that was easy! “So, Professor Murase, what do we do?” I believe you’re Japanese military officers. Oh, I see what he means... Responds Orville, “I don’t know, since our most powerful weapons are useless.” He then adds, “Perhaops if I started wearing a bowtie...” General Yotobashi, who is probably getting sick of scientists by now, asks Dr. Hidaka, “Do you have any ideas?”
And, from our You’ll Be Sorry You Asked file, comes his response: “One, and it’s not even an idea, just a thought that occurred to me.” Oh, boy, hunker down... “We assume Gamera is invulnerable, obviously with a great deal of justification.” Oh, those scientists and their empirical observations! Oh, do go on: “But Gamera is vulnerable: to cold. Remember he was frozen in the ice until the bomb released him.” Professor Murase concurs. “We must devise some means of freezing Gamera.” Oh, so they’re going to bring Gamera to Syracuse. “Dr. Hidaka,” starts General Yotobashi, “bite me.” Oh, wait: the general says, “Our scientists have developed a freezing bomb.” Have they now? It’s still in the experimental stage, and there is one drawback: “The gases used in this bomb dissipate in 10 minutes.” Dr. Hidaka likes the idea, and instructs General Yotobashi to get started on acquiring the freezing bomb. So there’s not even any question about who’s giving orders at this point, is there?
Meanwhile, Gamera is leaving the power plant and heading for the mountains, specifically, what we are told is a resort area in the mountains. What would a mountain resort be without a view overlooking a giant geothermal power plant?
Atop the mountain, they await Gamera. Lord King Hidaka addresses the troops. He points out that effect of the freezing bomb doesn’t last long. So...they’re planting dynamite and when Gamera is frozen, they’re going to blow him up. Can that be right? Isn’t that what thawed him to begin with? Again, is there some other brilliant scientist they can consult?
Dr. Hidaka says it’s OK to begin, and they fire the freezing bomb at Gamera, who starts slowing down. They now have 10 minutes...to finish whatever it is they are doing. They then start drilling holes to plant the dynamite, even though they only have three minutes left. Wow; tempus fugit. Now, I’m not an expert in logistics, but might it not have been a better idea to plant the dynamite first, and then freeze Gamera? Somehow, they make it with 30 seconds to spare, then ignite the dynamite. It goes off, and Gamera topples down the mountain. Everyone seems relieved that he has landed on his back. Even Orville is pleased. “Because Gamera, as with any turtle, once he’s on his back, he can’t get up again.” I know how he feels. Everyone starts cheering (“Hey, he didn’t screw it up this time!”) and Dr. Hidaka starts basking in the glow of adulation. “In a month from now, he’ll be just another zoological specimen.” Yeah.
I think they’re counting their turtles before the eggs have hatched. They notice that Gamera is pulling his head and legs inside his shell. “He knows he’s licked.” Yuck. “That’s what you call
turning turtle!” Ha ha ha. But Gamera has more tricks up his sleeve—literally. Flames shoot out of his arm and leg holes and he begins to spin. He then lifts off into the air. “An amazing adaptation,” says Orville, wondering how he could incorporate that idea into a new kind of popcorn popper. And soon Gamera vanishes into the air. Well, another brilliant idea, right down the crapper. Dr. Hidaka then asks Kyoke for the Eskimo’s porterhouse. He now understands the weird pattern. “They are clouds, meant to represent that Gamera can fly.” Now wait a minute. Didn’t they already know that Gamera could fly? All those UFO sightings earlier? Heck, even the drunk guy with the Japanese lantern knew Gamera could fly. I hope these two professors were denied tenure.
Meanwhile, at the U.N., Secretary General Ponce E. Brit snidely announces that the American weapons have been useless against Gamera, and the Japanese radar systems barely offer enough warning to evacuate the civilian populations. He then proceeds to heap shame on every country in the world in alphabetical order. “We must now work as one cohesive unit.” Oh, yeah, that’s gonna happen. The mission: “To destroy Gamera before he destroys civilization.” I think I’m with Gamera at this point.
He then turns the mic over to General Arnold, who is still spouting off the theories of Dr. Hidaka and Dr. “Morass” who “are convinced that Gamera is continually on the hunt for food.” I guess that’s why they’re eminent scientists because no one else could ever possibly have figured that out. “There is some chemical substance in our fuel that it needs to exist, perhaps the same chemical substance it consumed over 200 million years ago.” Wait—how can there have been fossil fuels before there were fossils? “In the beginning, in the Earth’s atmosphere...” Oh, boy, this’ll take a while. Zzzzzzzz..... You see, Gamera dates from a time in the geological history of Earth when there was no oxygen in the atmosphere, before creatures developed lungs. He had— NOW WAIT A MINUTE! First of all, we’re really talking a couple billion years, and how did a giant turtle evolve spontaneously when at the time that the earth’s atmosphere started becoming oxygen-rich, there was nothing more than bacteria and simple plant life? Talk about punctuated equilibrium. Second of all, what the hell does that have to do with his ability to eat flames? “This all came within the radii of our microscopes.” Uh, oh, now General Arnold is just babbling. Can we get a resolution or a point of order or something here? “Do you mean it literally eats fire?” the General is asked apropos of nothing. “Yes. The beast actually eats fire.” The beast! Twas fire that fed the beast. That gets everyone murmuring. “He’s most destructive when he is unable to satisfy his ravenous appetite.” I think we’ve all been to buffets like that. “He is least destructive when he is gorging himself at some oil refinery or fuel reserve.” Kind of like Dick Cheney. The meeting is then thrown open to discussion. Wow, Gamera must really be a threat: both the Soviet Ambassador and the American ambassador voice no complaints about offering whatever assistance they can. Funny, they couldn’t even get all the U.S. Senators to cooperate.
Ah, but the amity doesn’t last long. The Russian ambassador starts getting belligerent and challenging General Arnold’s taking charge of the military operation. Now that’s more like it! When’s he going to start pounding his shoe on the table? You know, Japan is curiously unrepresented in this meeting of the U.N. They decide on a joint command between General Arnold of the U.S. and General Sokolovsky of the U.S.S.R. General Arnold then announces Plan Z. This should be good. Did he run it by Dr. Hidaka and Orville? Suddenly, we do see a Japanese ambassador, who says, “Pran Z is hope of world.” Oh brother.
Meanwhile, Dr. Hidaka and Kyoke are studying photographs taken of Gamera from around the world. “But only in the air. The freezing bomb frightened and upset him.” I know how he feels. At this point, Toshio and his sister arrive at Dr. Hidaka’s office...for some reason. I guess in Japan, you can’t visit Tokyo without paying your respects to Lord King Hidaka, like paying one’s respects to the Pope. They are staying with an uncle in Tokyo and are also in town for some sightseeing. “See there,” says Noburu. “That’s the Tokyo Tower,” which is visible outside Dr. Hidaka’s office window. Well, that takes care of the sightseeing. Toshio is more excited by it than anyone really should be.
Toshio asks Hidaka about Gamera. “Gamera saved my life. He doesn’t mean to be dangerous. He’s just so big and clumsy, that’s all.” Again, I know how he feels. Noburu smiles sheepishly. “He goes overboard when it comes to turtles.” Of that I have no doubt. “I like turtles is all,” says Toshio. “I bet Gamera is lonesome, too, wherever he is. A turtle doesn’t like to be alone.” Yeah. Um, look, kid, the Psychology Department is just down the hall. Maybe you should pay them a visit.
Dah! Suddenly there is an abrupt and jarring cut, and Noburu says “Good night, Toshio.” He’s going to sleep in Dr. Hidaka’s office? Oh, they’re suddenly in a bedroom. OK. That was weird. I think Gamera ate the rest of the previous scene. He does chew up scenery—on a variety of levels. Noburu is tucking Toshio into bed; he looks like a large Japanese burrito. “I thought it was nice of Dr. Hidaka to explain everything to you.” Yeah, I bet. Was any of it accurate?
A week later, there are news reports of a mysterious “reversal of the tide” which wrecked several boats and piers, and somehow this is related to pictures of Gamera’s destruction of the power plant. Estimates of the power plant’s rebuilding range in the “millions.” Of what? Yen? Sounds like rather a bargain. The newsreader then discusses the arrival of representatives from around the world to an international conference—but we are breaking in live with comment from Dr. Hidaka. Man, this guy is the king of all media, isn’t he? He and Orville are taking questions from the press. “How did you find America?” “Turned left at Greenland.” In a nutshell, Gamera is back in the Tokyo area. He snuck in wearing a fedora and dark glasses and checking into a hotel under the name “G. Smith.” Dr. Hidaka then says that Gamera’s presence in Tokyo “gives us a chance to try out the, uh, United Nations’ uh, Plan Z for his, uh, disposal.” Get thee to, uh, a public speaking class, Dr., uh, Hidaka. He then shows a short promotional film about Plan Z, which will take place on a dormant volcano on Oshima Island in Tokyo Bay.
That night, Gamera buzzes and destroys the control tower at the airport. He must have flown U.S. Airways.
Then we go to a Tokyo nightclub where teens are movin’ and a-groovin’ to the Gamera song played by a live band. The building starts shaking, and the police politely ask everyone to leave.
The teens insist, “Don’t blow your cool. We’re not going anywhere. I say we should stay here and dance!” Hmm...it would be so easy to make a joke about youth in Asia, but I shan’t. The band kicks back in. How do three guitars make the sound of an orchestra string section? A moot point, because the nightclub is very soon destroyed by the subject of their song.
Gamera then goes on a rampage throughout Tokyo. Model trains are ruthlessly destroyed. Large cardboard buildings are crushed like...cardboard. The Tokyo Tower goes down. So much for Toshio’s sightseeing trip.
Speaking of Toshio, while his sister is trying to pack and evacuate, he is gawking out the window, trying to catch a glimpse of Gamera. Yeah, so this is an accident, eh, Toshio? Gamera doesn’t mean to knock down every building in the city and use his flame breath to fry everyone in range? Admit it, kid: your friend has turned bad.
The next morning, everyone is evacuating the city. Noburu cannot find Toshio. She is told he has gone “down to the river.” She then shouts “Toshio!” more times than any human should. Meanwhile, people are running away from the local refinery, which is where Gamera is wreaking more havoc (and it is strangely night all of a sudden). Naturally, Toshio decides to head toward the refinery.
It looks like Plan Z, whatever it is, is going to be put into effect and it apparently involves a train. An oil tanker car is sent toward Gamera, where it explodes. Just another day on Amtrak.
Lord King Hidaka calls the refinery. Does this guy ever rest? The foreman at the Tokyo oil refinery answers the phone. “O’Neill speaking.” O’Neill? That’s a good Japanese name! Anyway, Lord God King Hidaka says that the Plan Z people won’t be ready for another 24 hours. The plan? Keep feeding Gamera oil and gas until the supply runs out. Brilliant! So that’s why oil prices hit record highs. Toshio overhears this and hops on one of the trains heading toward
Gamera. O’Neill (yeah) spots him and jumps on the train to try to rescue him. He has to forcibly drag Toshio off the train. “He’s my friend!” protests Toshio. There is an explosion and somehow Toshio and O’Neill (uh huh) are on the ground, having been thrown off the train. Everyone laughs at Toshio for wanting to see Gamera, and for good reason. Toshio is filled with shame...and for good reason.
Back at the U.N., a Japanese ambassador with a ludicrous and borderline offensive Japanese accent is explaining the situation, that Gamera is being held at the oil refinery, “but our fuel suppry is now dangerousry row.” Oy. General Arnold saves the day. “You will receive a steady flow of high-grade fuel.” Responds the Japanese ambassador, “Excerrent.” Ahhh!!!! The Russian ambassador—no less a stereotype either—asks, “How are you coming with Plan Z?” Says the Japanese ambassador, “Our men are working around the crock.” So Plan Z involves a slow-cooker? They’re going to make Gamera into turtle soup?
Plan Z has to work, because, says the U.S. ambassador, “Gamera may destroy civilization as we know it.” If these clowns are any reflection of civilization, I’m with Gamera.
Back in Tokyo, it is announced that the U.N. airlift of fuel has kept Gamera at the refinery, and everyone cheers (one guys says “Smashing!”) when it is announced that Plan Z will be ready that evening.
Orville pops in: “Let’s not congratulate ourselves prematurely.” Especially given that every other plan they have tried has failed dismally.
And the evacuation of civilians from Oshima Island continues. (I thought it was a volcano?) Toshio opts to hide in a box meant for Oshima rather than evacuate.
Watching it all is Orville. “Dr. Murase, a young lady to see you.” That’s not something he hears very often, and he pivots around to see Noburu. She tells him that Toshio is missing. He must be thinking, along with everyone else, “That’s a bad thing?”
On Oshima, Toshio is discovered and brought before Lord God King Hidaka. “I just wanted to see Gamera,” he says shamefully. Hidaka grunts. “OK, but you have to behave.” Behave? Has he yet behaved? Ever? “I’ll take care of Toshio,” says Kyoke. I bet. I say let the beatings begin. Hidaka gives the order to begin. This should be good. I wager 45 seconds before Hidaka once again says “This was a mistake.”
Men with hoses leap into action, barrels are dropped into the harbor, and Orville tells Noburu that Toshio is safe on Oshima Island. Whether this is good news or not is unclear.
Soon, everything is ready, and Orville and Hidaka call each other to coordinate. Then, the two doddering old professors give the military the order to proceed. Yeah. Riflemen shoot the tanks in the harbor, and they burst into flames. This leaves a fire trail to the island; Gamera is attracted to it and follows. Everyone seems happy by this. ”It worked!” exults Hidaka. Yeah, well, they said the same thing about the freezing bomb, so they may want to hold their applause until the end. Hidaka is looking at the tableau through binoculars. Kyoke asks “Can you see Gamera.” “Kyoke, for heavens’ sake,” he chides. Jeepers, what a grouch.
There is suddenly an announcement of a typhoon warning. A small typhoon has changed course and is heading toward Tokyo. No one saw a typhoon coming? Is everyone in Japan an arcane cryptozoologist and no one bothers to study something practical, like meteorology? Someone also says that volcanic activity is expected to increase, too. What? Oh, and earthquakes will split the ground wide open, frogs and locusts will fall from the sky, and they will run out of toilet paper. Could more things suddenly be going wrong simultaneously?
Toshio stands on the shore shouting, “Gamera! It’s a trap! Get back!” Good one, kid! Why, you little—
The typhoon suddenly blows in and puts out the fire trail. Gamera is still famished and starts heading away. “This blasted typhoon!” grouses Hidaka. I’m surprised he can’t actually control the weather.
Meanwhile, someone starts setting the tents behind them on fire. It is Aoyagi, the photographer, who has a cunning plan to lure Gamera back to the island. Shockingly, it works. But then it starts raining, putting the fire out. Doh! Gamera turns away again. Toshio is elated, the little sh— um, brat. But then, just when it seems hopeless, the volcano on Oshima Island starts erupting, which then draws Gamera back again. Oh, brother. This is like “Gammera the Implausible.” Everyone starts cheering except for Toshio. Take that, twerp.
Orville and Noburu decide to fly out to the island. “Not even a live volcano could keep me away,” says Orville to the pilot. How about they drop him in it?
They quickly arrive with three minutes left before...something happens. They tour the vast underground facility that had apparently been built in less than a day. Yeah.
Ten seconds...and Lord God King Hidaka orders Step Two to go into action. Gas jets light up around a circular stage area. That attracts Gamera, and he walks on to the stage—and as he does, panels on the ground slide aside and two half-domes pop out of the ground. “Close capsule!” yells Hidaka. And the two domes trap Gamera inside. OK, now what? There is a countdown...and the capsule is actually the top of a rocket that was buried underground. It ascends above ground—wobbling rather a lot—and is launched into space.
Everyone in all the various other movie footage—the U.N., the Alaskan adquarters—start cheering. Even the Japanese, the ones who actually did everything, start cheering. A U.N. radio broadcast comes on and an announcer points out that the Plan Z rocket carrying Gamera is on its way to Mars. The announcer then stresses that Plan Z was a scientific achievement that was the result of international cooperation, despite the fact that Dr. Hidaka was in charge of everything and no other country came to help the Japanese military.
Toshio is surprisingly cool with this, and says to Dr. Hidaka that “Someday I will be a scientist like you.” What, in charge of the world? “And then I’ll go to Mars in a rocket.” Why wait? Any chance they have another one down there?
Cue Gamera theme music and Toshio bids Gamera “Sayonara.” And Dr. Murase pops some popcorn.
The end.
Ah, remember a day, a day before today, a day when scientists had complete control of the military? Didn’t Mr. Wizard plan the invasion of Normandy? And, unless I’m mistaken, Bill Nye the Science Guy headed up the first Operation Desert Storm. Oh, and the cast of 3-2-1 Contact stopped the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Ah, scientists. Is there anything they can’t do?
In the sequel to Gamera, Dr. Hidaka is appointed Grand Emperor of Earth and his Vice Emperor is, of course, Dr. Murase, the latter of whose only royal edict was that he be submerged in a giant bathtub filled with popcorn. He was never heard from again.
Toshio grew up to become an eminent herpetologist specializing in, of course, turtles, so in Japan he was revered as a god. He would soon force his father and sister to live in a terrarium.
Interestingly, the Jimmy Carl Black-esque Eskimo chief left the Arctic and landed a job as a waiter at a Don Shula’s Steak House. But, alas, it was not to last long, as he could not stop himself from reading legends of death and evil in the cuts of meat he was displaying to patrons. This frightened and confused many of them, who ended up ordering the chicken. The Eskimo guy was fired, but did end up in a Chik-Fil-A in the Del Amo Mall in Torrance, CA, where he also managed to find legends of death and evil written on the surface of fried chicken nuggets. He eventually had to get out of food service entirely. Still, his next career as a shoe salesman was no less checkered.
As for Kyoke and Aoyagi, Dr. Hidaka’s Scooby gang, they eventually divorced each other—which was strange since they had never actually been married. Their attorneys were confused as hell, so it at least had that going for it.
Oh, and what about out titular turtle? Oh, he came back...five times, and in color, too, until Daiei went bankrupt in the early 1970s. Even Lord God King Emperor Poobah Hidaka couldn’t save the company from gross mismanagement.
Naturally, other studios started getting in on the action, including the Daiei Motion Picture Company which launched the successful (though not as successful as Godzilla) Gamera giant flying turtle series. Like the Godzilla movies, these were staples of 1970s Saturday afternoon UHF station creature-feature series. The Gamera movies also featured additional American footage—interestingly, there are several versions of the original Gamera floating around. In addition to the original Japanese version, there are two American versions, which feature different footage. The Sandy Frank version called simply Gamera was shown on MST3K and features an American general who sounds like a cross between Buddy Hackett and Curly from the Three Stooges, as well as some bad dubbing (well, not that any of the dubbing was especially good in these movies). Another, which is the one I have in my sci-fi box set, is called Gammera the Invincible (the extra “m” is for extra “monster” perhaps) and features a slightly higher caliber of American character actor (Brian Donleavy, Dick O‘Neill, Albert Dekker, Alan Oppenheimer—no, the names are not familiar, but you’d know them if you saw them). Gammera the Invincible also features a cool surf-guitar theme song.
Of course, all the “m”s in the world won’t make Gam(m)era any more watchable. Still, it does have that goofy cheese factor that makes them so appealing as lazy Saturday afternoon TV fodder.
Other entries in this Mis-Treatment series of silly sci-fi movie recaps include:
Kong IslandGammera the Invincible (1966)
The Skull
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women
Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet
The Wasp Woman
The Horrors of Spider Island
The Atomic Brain
The Amazing Transparent Man
She Gods of Shark Reef
Moon of the Wolf
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Queen of the Amazons
The Incredible Petrified World
Auteur(s)/Perpetrators: Noriaki Yuasa/Sandy HowardStar of Shame: a 1960s character actor buffet
Monster: Giant flying turtle (aka sweaty Japanese guy in rubber suit)
“Plot”: Prehistoric giant turtle is accidentally released from frozen Arctic ice, destroys Japanese cities, befriends child
By the way, no model shop owners were harmed in the making of this movie.
Speaking of which, we open on a squadron of model airplanes and cut down to a bathtub where a toy boat is cutting through the ice. Don’t you hate it when you run out of hot water in the middle of a bath? It is, the narrator tells us
breathlessly, an expedition of Canadian, American, and Japanese seamen cutting through the Arctic looking for “an open route across the top of the continent: Henry Hudson’s fabled Northwest Passage.” Unfortunately, all they found was Northwest Airlines, which is hardly the same thing.Meanwhile, Dr. A.J. Hidaka and his team of zoologists (is that what they are?) are also in the vicinity, studying the native animal life (which shouldn’t take long). They approach an Eskimo village. Accompanying Dr. Hidaka is a photographer named Aoyagi, and Kyoke, Hidaka’s assistant. The photographer immediately complains about the cold.
Out of an igloo comes the Eskimo leader. “Hi, boys and Girls, I’m Jimmy Carl Black and I'm the Eskimo of the group.” He welcomes Dr. Hidaka, and then advises him, “Watch out where the huskies go and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” (Nah, I'm only kidding; Jimmy Carl Black didn't play on Zappa’s Apostrophe(’) album.) They are buzzed by sound effects of jets passing over.
Back in the bathtub, the captain of the toy boat is freaked out by the planes. It is also insinuated that Dr. Hidaka and co. were on the boat, but it’s really not clear. They send a telegraph to what the onscreen graphic identifies as “adquarters Air Defense Sect” in North Alaska. I guess this was a widescreen movie at one point, or someone was trying to type the graphic while wearing mittens. (It was apparently widescreen, because the violent panning and scanning can very easily make one seasick.)We meet some of the American military personnel. Sgt. Susan Embers isn’t in the scene for a minute before she is leered at by her male “superiors” (in rank only, methinks, and “rank” is certainly the right word) with lines like “Baby, it’s cold outside” and “He’s right, gorgeous. You gotta thaw out.” Where’s Gamera when you need him? Can we go back to Jimmy Carl Black and the Eskimos of Invention? “Remember that airmen don’t drool, they obey,” she says by way of retort. Gamera! Gamera! Gamera!
Thankfully, we are interrupted from this witty, Aaron Sorkin-esque dialogue by the clacking of the teletype machine. A report is handed to General O’Neill, played by character actor Dick
O’Neill. He looks so familiar—what was he in? (A check of IMDb instead prompts the question, “What wasn’t he in?”)Anyway, he receives a message from the Japanese explorer ship Cheddar Romero. Can that be right? So what was in the message? “Four UFOs headed toward our missile sites.” The general is not pleased, and starts barking random orders, only a couple of which make actual sense. (What does “ride herd” mean? Is that military code?) He asks to speak with another general. I’d prefer to speak with someone specific, but that's probably just me.
Finally, air defense is calling. Well, a guy in a plane. The general informs him that four unknowns are “in your area.” Yow, that can't be good. The pilot is ordered to escort them to base. “If they resist, you are to use Plan Skylark and destroy.” Plan Skylark? “Hail to thee, blithe spirit” indeed. The general is one tough son of a Bysshe. The pilot then calls the general Roger, for some rea— Oh, I get it...
General O'Neill gets a call from the President. Everyone looks at each other oddly. O’Neill hangs up. “Red Alert.” The music kicks in and everyone begins scrambling. Even the teletype machine starts typing furiously...for some reason.
Models of Air Force jets chase down the “four bogies.” No bacalls, though. “Identify!” the pilot calls to the bogies. “Or I’ll cut the strings holding your planes up.” It would be pretty easy. “What is your nationality and flight plan?” And, “Do you like pina coladas? Getting caught in the rain? Making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape?” The bogies do not respond, but
fire something at the Air Force models— I mean, jets. The Air Force returns fire, and one of the UFOs goes down and explodes in the ice.The pretty small explosion attracts the attention of Dr. Hidaka and the Eskimos. “Only a nuclear explosion could cause a blast like that,” says Kyoke. That tiny blast? Aoyagi kicks himself for staring at a cloud instead of taking pictures of it “A fine news photographer I am,” he says. But then given how he’s dressed I assumed he worked for Fop Monthly or something.
Back at adquarters, it is reported that a “one-megaton atomic bomb” has been detonated. The remaining bogies are heading back toward the Siberian border. “It appears to have been a single incident,” says the lieutenant. “Do you regard a nuclear explosion as a ‘single incident,’ Lieutenant?” barks the general. Well, when there is just one of them, by definition, yes.Meanwhile, in the Arctic, the ice splits apart. Yep; guess who’s coming to dinner? The star of our show. And he is given quite the elaborate introduction. The ice loudly breaks apart, gusts of steam billow out, a blinding light shines from the chasm, and the spraying snow looks like someone is snowblowing their driveway just off-camera.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Tropicana is proud to present, in his one-man show, “Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!,” Mr. entertainment himself, Gamera!Oh, and now we get the titles. I think that was actually in Gamera's contract. And as the titles roll, Gamera does a little dance which is rather upsetting.
Back at adquarters, General O’Neill is on the phone with the President, and LBJ (I would think) informs him that the four Russian fighters—which is what the bogies apparently turned out to be—flew off course by accident. “Bull!” yells Captain Lovell with a cigar in his mouth. The General agrees with the President. They seem to be ignoring the 400-pound turtle in the room... Of course, part of the reason could be that “something” is interfering with the radio signal. What about the teletype that had been so trusty in the past? Ah, now it sits ever silent. “It just doesn’t make sense!” He orders Lovell to put more interceptors in the air to find out what is happening. He then orders Sgt. Embers to get him some more coffee. “And better make a new pot. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night.” Sure, the woman has to make the coffee. I bet Sgt. Embers is smoldering over that.
Back in the Arctic, the radio is not working, and they assume it is interference from the bomb, so Aoyagi and Dr. Hidaka decide to head back immediately. They bid farewell to the Eskimo chief, who then remembers an ancient Eskimo legend, wherein it is written...on whatever it is that they write it on up there...that if anything bad every happens to your eyes as the result of some sort of conflict with anyone named Nanook... (Sorry.) Anyway, the Eskimo chief reaches
into his pocket and removes what looks like a petrified porterhouse steak. I guess he used to be a waiter at Morton’s Steakhouse and this is what happens when those demo cuts of meat are used a little too often. (And why is the Eskimo elder wearing a crucifix attached to rosary beads? I didn’t know that Eskimos were Catholic. If that is a porterhouse he’s proffering, I hope it’s not Friday.) The Eskimo hands it to Dr. Hidaka and explains that it “is very old stone about cloud of death.” Dr. Hidaka immediately recognizes it, and reaches for some A1 Steak Sauce. “It is a primitive carving of a proto-chelonian.” A what? “An ancestral turtle like the leatherback.” Right. He asks the Eskimo guy if there is a legend associated with the porterhouse. Oh, what are the odds? “Yes. A very old story about death and evil.” Of course. Aren’t all ancient legends about death and evil? Just once I’d like to read an ancient legend that featured puppies and butterflies and happy children frolicking. But no. They always have to be about evil and death. The Eskimo adds, “About Gamera!” And at that, dogs start yelping and children start running. I think we’re all on board with that. Dr. Hidaka shows the steak to everyone else. “There is a weird pattern in the background.” That’s just fat marbling. They try to decipher the pattern, which they initially think represents the sea. All the old Eskimo guy can offer is that it is evil and frightening. A big help he is.
While they are studying their cut of meat, across the tundra, Gamera destroys the model boat. Oh, and Gamera can shoot flames while at the same time making a noise that sounds like a combination of a cat in heat and bagpipes. It’s a noise not far removed from nails on a blackboard.At adquarters, Capt. Lovell reports that the Cheddar Romero was destroyed “and all that remains is a huge crack in the ice—“ “What?!” shouts the general incredulously. And whatever you do, don’t call it a single incident. Lovell goes on to explain that Captain Foster (that must be one of the Air Force pilots) saw “a giant turtle walking away from the crash site. A huge creature, 150, maybe 200 feet tall.” Oh, that goes over well. General O’Neill barks orders to Sgt. Embers, including, “Tell General Arnold he must meet me.” In your usual candlelit restaurant, sir? He pauses for a beat. “A giant turtle!” he grouses. Bah!
We then cut to an obligatory montage of newspapers from around the world—all of which
oddly enough have only the single relevant headline in English, and the rest of the text in their native languages—reporting on a giant turtle controversy.In New York, we are treated to a clip of a talk show—curiously enough shot without actually having a set—hosted by Mr. Standish, who could very easily be played by Joe Flaherty from SCTV. His guests are Dr. Contrare (!) and...some other guy. They immediately begin fighting about whether or not Gamera could exist. This is SCTV! Where’s Earl Camembert? Dr. Contrare takes Dr. Hidaka’s side, stating that his theories are the results of a life’s studies. Really? He was just given the porterhouse steak that explained it all a few minutes ago. Talk about life in a day... He also adds that tales of chelonians (turtles) date back to ancient Greece. Yes, and let’s not forget how one killed the playwright Aeschylus. “How big were turtles a million years ago? Or even a hundred million years ago?” asks Dr. Contrare, rather smugly. If only an eagle would drop a turtle on his head. The other guy says, “Oh, Dr. Contrare, every time you bray you make a bigger jackass of yourself.” “Read, you ignorant ape, read what intelligent men have written for thousands of years!” Dr. Contrare returns, in quite the lather. Then they start bellowing at each other. Still, they do advance more cogent arguments than any of the shrieking heads on cable news. “Where did you get your diploma,” asks Contrare’s adversary, “‘Made in Japan’?” Uh, is that really a line that should appear in this movie?
Blissfully, we then go to a Pan Am flight. Dr. Hidaka and his Scooby gang are flying back. Aoyagi reads a newspaper report of a flying saucer, and asks if there is a connection between it and the destruction of the Cheddar Romero. There is also a cigarette ad; is that related to the destruction of the Cheddar Romero? What about the white sale at Macy’s? Or story about the building code under fire? Dr. Hidaka is also convinced that all of this has something to do with Gamera, especially given the “overwhelming” evidence of the pilot’s report (which somehow he had heard of) and the Eskimo’s petrified porterhouse. They muse about how destructive Gamera would be if he were real. “Well, you’ve convinced me, Doctor,” says the photographer, who is credulous as hell. “Let’s hope General Arnold can convince the American people.” Why? What are they going to do about it? And who’s General Arnold? Did a couple of Japanese zoologists exploring the Arctic get a top secret American military briefing?Anyway, we go to Washington, and a meeting of Senators and military brass. “Gentlemen, I think we all know why we’re here,” begins...someone (I think he’s the Secretary of Defense). General Arnold is asked for his report. Oh, so that’s General Arnold. He reports on the finding of giant footprints “like that of a giant turtle” leading away from the spot of the explosion toward where the ship was discovered. The Senators all roll their eyes, especially one who looks like Joe Flynn (he is never given a name). He’s having none of it. General Arnold explains that a UFO has been sighted over various world cities, moving around the globe in an easterly direction. It’s Gamera’s world tour. And where will the giant turtle end up? “It will be sighted next over Japan. I would estimate in five or six hours.” For some reason, he looks at his watch as he says this. Are he and Gamera synchronized? He then makes reference to Dr. Hidaka, and the Senator who looks like Joe Flynn complains that he has never heard of Dr. Hidaka and smugly announces that he has chaired science councils, and thus should apparently know every scientist in the world. He then does everything short of calling for the head of Dr. Hidaka to be brought to him on a pike. Which, in retrospect might not be a bad idea.
The Secretary of Defense cuts Joe Flynn down by saying “Dr. Hidaka is eminently qualified” Well, that told him. Apparently, Dr. Hidaka was rescued from the ice by “one of our heelicopters.” Heelicopters? They then apparently took Dr. Hidaka to the airport to catch the Pan Am flight, although you would think it would have made more sense to give him military transport if he was so important. Joe Flynn thinks the public should not be informed of Gamera, and thinks everyone is being alarmist.
This argument drags on for a while. No wonder nothing ever gets done in Congress.
“Gentlemen, I think we’re in for a time of it,” says the Secretary of Defense. Ya think? General Arnold is put in charge of the “Gamera Operation.”
Meanwhile, in Japan, a radio announcer informs a breathless public that Dr. Hidaka is due in Tokyo in a day. Back then, in 1960s Japan, Arctic zoologists were bigger than The Beatles, and throngs of teenage girls would frequently be waiting at the airport to greet their planes.
That evening, a drunk is staggering along a wooden bridge singing and swinging a Japanese lantern. He looks in the sky and beholds a flying saucer—presumably Gamera. Of course; there is always a drunk in these movies who sees the monster before anyone else. He gives a horrified cry in Japanese, which I think translates as “What crappy animation.”The next day, we go to a lighthouse. Noburu Sakurai is a teenage girl and her nine-year-old brother, Toshio, apparently has some obsession with turtles. He is inseparable from his pet turtle, and he is reprimanded in school for drawing pictures of turtles instead of doing his schoolwork. He can’t even stop singing “Happy Together” or playing Terrapin Station. Toshio lives in a lighthouse without any friends. Gee, I can’t imagine why that would be.
That night after dinner, Noburu and their father stage a turtle intervention, because liking
things is just wrong. He is ordered to set his turtle free. “This may sound cruel—and it is—but I’m doing it for your own good.” Yep, you gotta be cruel to be kind. Sad music plays as Toshio walks outside and lets his turtle run free.Speaking of turtles, guess who’s back? A head pokes up from behind a dune. Oh, it’s just Julian Cope. And with that breath of fire, fried indeed.
Nope, it’s Gamera, and Toshio for some reason runs to the top of the lighthouse. Man, that kid can sprint; he gets to the top before his father can finish yelling the name “Toshio,” which he does 500 times. Gamera knocks over the lighthouse, and Toshio hangs from the railing by his little hands—and falls. However, Gamera has a change of heart, catches the kid, and gently places him on the ground. Gamera then heads back out to sea, as Toshio realizes that Gamera saved his life—but neglects to consider that Gamera actually put his life in jeopardy to begin with. I suspect this won’t do much to quell Toshio’s turtle obsession.
Meanwhile, at the Tokyo Airport, Dr. Hidaka and his entourage finally arrive, even though it’s been like three weeks. He is swarmed by his throngs of admirers, his reputation only having grown the longer he has been in the air, for some reason. Walking through the terminal, he is immediately called to the phone. He makes some odd oinking sounds, then says “I’m practically on my way.” It was professor Murase, who reported that Gamera was spotted in Hokkaido “by a number of reliable witnesses.” I guess that means “sober ones.”At Toshio’s house, everyone think the little loon is in bed, but he really runs out to the beach to look for his turtle. The turtle, wisely, refuses to come out of its shell.
At a nearby geothermal power station, workers react to what seems like a tremor. “We have them here all the time.” Was it wise to build a power station on a spot that has a lot of earthquakes? Anyway, it is decidedly not a tremor, but our old be-shelled friend, as the pilot of a model plane soon discovers. There are more tremors. “What is that?“ everyone yells. “It is an earthquake. Or a steam explosion.” You know, it might have been a good idea to hire people, or at least install instruments, that could tell the difference.
At Japanese military headquarters, Dr. Hidaka is treated like royalty, but Aoyagi the photographer is barred. Hidaka can’t do anything without his foppish sidekick, and pulls some strings. King Hidaka is then given the Gamera status report, and is told that Gamera has been spotted near the geothermal power plant. It then needs to be explained to him what geothermal power is. This guy knows everything there is to know about mythological giant turtles, but he doesn’t understand steam? I think he’s specialized a little too highly. The upshot, though, is that Hidaka does not know how to stop Gamera. He then asks what the power output of the power station is. 350,000 kilowatts. “It might just work,” he says cryptically. Well, the movie is only half over, so don’t count on it.
The military deploys its weaponry in an attempt to head off Gamera, but Brigadier General Hidaka asks that it be stopped to try his plan first. Ah, remember when scientists had complete control of the military?
Lord Hidaka gets on the walkie-talkie, and as Gamera approaches the power plant, starts getting all the circuits ready for full discharge. Gamera severs one set of wires, makes the cat in
heat/bagpipes noise, and Aoyagi comments, “It didn’t even slow him down.” Dr. Hidaka then says, “Yes, this was a mistake.” Now we know why kooky scientists aren’t put in charge of military operations. “Captain, you’d better give the order to attack.” Oh, is the great Lord Dr. Hidaka relinquishing command now? Tanks, cannons, and other large guns open fire, having even less effect on Gamera, just bouncing off his shell. And then Gamera starts eating flames. Or, as the military captain says, “It looks like he’s eating it.” Oh, I they’re all eating it right about now. Hidaka still continues barking out orders. “Evacuate the area, or at least the civilians. And call me a car.” What?
Hidaka and his Scooby gang pay a visit to Dr. Murase, another kooky scientist who is a dead ringer for a Japanese Orville Redenbacher. “You mean he ate the flames?” asks Dr. Murase, thinking that flames would be perfect for popping popcorn. Gamera eats fire? Well, there’s an Indian restaurant in Saratoga that makes a lamb vindaloo that’s pretty much the same thing. “His metabolism is not like ours.” Wow, a giant mutated turtle that was encased in ice for millions of years and eats fire has a metabolism that differs from that of humans? Inconceivable! “It’s not only conceivable but highly likely.” Ah. “His cell structure differs radically from known lifeforms.” “For example silicon or metallic elements replacing carbon in his tissues.” Now you’re just making stuff up. Says Dr. Murase, “I think his cells are made from popcorn kernels.” Hidaka had remembered to bring along the petrified porterhouse, and Dr. Murase ponders the strange wavy line symbols. “It could be melted butter,” he perhaps is thinking. “I don’t think they’re rhythmic enough for waves,” he says. What? It’s a rock carved by Eskimos, what do you want, photorealistic artwork? It’s probably not drawn to scale either. “Dr., it would be very useful if we could decipher this.” No! Really? Is there maybe another scientist they could consult?At the power plant, the military watch helplessly as the bombs and missiles have no effect on Gamera. One officer comments, “Nothing short of an atom bomb would be any use.” His superior has a wild hare...
And he calls the American military and asks to borrow a cup of missiles. In the Senate council meeting (where it appears no one has moved for days), Joe Flynn is aghast. “One of our missiles! But that means getting the approval of our allies. I’m sure you’re aware of our peace treaties and our international obligations.” Surely they can make an exception for a giant mutated turtle. General Arnold is not in the mood for Senate stonewalling. “The destructive power of Gamera is beyond comprehension!” Well, not really; he just pulled down some power lines and broke a smokestack. Oh, and knocked over a lighthouse. I can pretty easily comprehend that. Hell, I’m more destructive before my second cup of coffee in the morning. Anyway, Joe Flynn starts pounding the table again, but the Secretary of Defense immediately shuts him up. He says to General Arnold, “You may inform General Yotobashi, Dr. Hidaka, and Dr. Morass (?) that our missiles are entirely at their disposal.” Should we really be arming flaky scientists? The Secretary then orders General Arnold to “get to it.” He then suggests they order lunch, “if you approve, senator,” he says sarcastically to Joe Flynn. And Joe Flynn responds, without moving his mouth in the slightest, “You can expect my complete cooperation.” How did he do that? Is he a ventriloquist? The Secretary then says, “I expect nothing less, sir,” and his mouth movements do not match the dialogue. Wow, they can’t even properly dub American dialogue in this movie.
Meanwhile, in Japan, Dr. Redenbacher arrives at the front line. He is informed that “The Americans are going to attack Gamera with nuclear missiles.” Lord King Hidaka then chimes in. “No, wait. The missiles won’t do any good. It’s more likely they’ll serve as a source of energy.” Hasn’t this guy been wrong about everything up to now? “All right, if you say so,” says General Yotobashi. Well, that was easy! “So, Professor Murase, what do we do?” I believe you’re Japanese military officers. Oh, I see what he means... Responds Orville, “I don’t know, since our most powerful weapons are useless.” He then adds, “Perhaops if I started wearing a bowtie...” General Yotobashi, who is probably getting sick of scientists by now, asks Dr. Hidaka, “Do you have any ideas?”
And, from our You’ll Be Sorry You Asked file, comes his response: “One, and it’s not even an idea, just a thought that occurred to me.” Oh, boy, hunker down... “We assume Gamera is invulnerable, obviously with a great deal of justification.” Oh, those scientists and their empirical observations! Oh, do go on: “But Gamera is vulnerable: to cold. Remember he was frozen in the ice until the bomb released him.” Professor Murase concurs. “We must devise some means of freezing Gamera.” Oh, so they’re going to bring Gamera to Syracuse. “Dr. Hidaka,” starts General Yotobashi, “bite me.” Oh, wait: the general says, “Our scientists have developed a freezing bomb.” Have they now? It’s still in the experimental stage, and there is one drawback: “The gases used in this bomb dissipate in 10 minutes.” Dr. Hidaka likes the idea, and instructs General Yotobashi to get started on acquiring the freezing bomb. So there’s not even any question about who’s giving orders at this point, is there?
Meanwhile, Gamera is leaving the power plant and heading for the mountains, specifically, what we are told is a resort area in the mountains. What would a mountain resort be without a view overlooking a giant geothermal power plant?
Atop the mountain, they await Gamera. Lord King Hidaka addresses the troops. He points out that effect of the freezing bomb doesn’t last long. So...they’re planting dynamite and when Gamera is frozen, they’re going to blow him up. Can that be right? Isn’t that what thawed him to begin with? Again, is there some other brilliant scientist they can consult?
Dr. Hidaka says it’s OK to begin, and they fire the freezing bomb at Gamera, who starts slowing down. They now have 10 minutes...to finish whatever it is they are doing. They then start drilling holes to plant the dynamite, even though they only have three minutes left. Wow; tempus fugit. Now, I’m not an expert in logistics, but might it not have been a better idea to plant the dynamite first, and then freeze Gamera? Somehow, they make it with 30 seconds to spare, then ignite the dynamite. It goes off, and Gamera topples down the mountain. Everyone seems relieved that he has landed on his back. Even Orville is pleased. “Because Gamera, as with any turtle, once he’s on his back, he can’t get up again.” I know how he feels. Everyone starts cheering (“Hey, he didn’t screw it up this time!”) and Dr. Hidaka starts basking in the glow of adulation. “In a month from now, he’ll be just another zoological specimen.” Yeah.
I think they’re counting their turtles before the eggs have hatched. They notice that Gamera is pulling his head and legs inside his shell. “He knows he’s licked.” Yuck. “That’s what you call
turning turtle!” Ha ha ha. But Gamera has more tricks up his sleeve—literally. Flames shoot out of his arm and leg holes and he begins to spin. He then lifts off into the air. “An amazing adaptation,” says Orville, wondering how he could incorporate that idea into a new kind of popcorn popper. And soon Gamera vanishes into the air. Well, another brilliant idea, right down the crapper. Dr. Hidaka then asks Kyoke for the Eskimo’s porterhouse. He now understands the weird pattern. “They are clouds, meant to represent that Gamera can fly.” Now wait a minute. Didn’t they already know that Gamera could fly? All those UFO sightings earlier? Heck, even the drunk guy with the Japanese lantern knew Gamera could fly. I hope these two professors were denied tenure.Meanwhile, at the U.N., Secretary General Ponce E. Brit snidely announces that the American weapons have been useless against Gamera, and the Japanese radar systems barely offer enough warning to evacuate the civilian populations. He then proceeds to heap shame on every country in the world in alphabetical order. “We must now work as one cohesive unit.” Oh, yeah, that’s gonna happen. The mission: “To destroy Gamera before he destroys civilization.” I think I’m with Gamera at this point.
He then turns the mic over to General Arnold, who is still spouting off the theories of Dr. Hidaka and Dr. “Morass” who “are convinced that Gamera is continually on the hunt for food.” I guess that’s why they’re eminent scientists because no one else could ever possibly have figured that out. “There is some chemical substance in our fuel that it needs to exist, perhaps the same chemical substance it consumed over 200 million years ago.” Wait—how can there have been fossil fuels before there were fossils? “In the beginning, in the Earth’s atmosphere...” Oh, boy, this’ll take a while. Zzzzzzzz..... You see, Gamera dates from a time in the geological history of Earth when there was no oxygen in the atmosphere, before creatures developed lungs. He had— NOW WAIT A MINUTE! First of all, we’re really talking a couple billion years, and how did a giant turtle evolve spontaneously when at the time that the earth’s atmosphere started becoming oxygen-rich, there was nothing more than bacteria and simple plant life? Talk about punctuated equilibrium. Second of all, what the hell does that have to do with his ability to eat flames? “This all came within the radii of our microscopes.” Uh, oh, now General Arnold is just babbling. Can we get a resolution or a point of order or something here? “Do you mean it literally eats fire?” the General is asked apropos of nothing. “Yes. The beast actually eats fire.” The beast! Twas fire that fed the beast. That gets everyone murmuring. “He’s most destructive when he is unable to satisfy his ravenous appetite.” I think we’ve all been to buffets like that. “He is least destructive when he is gorging himself at some oil refinery or fuel reserve.” Kind of like Dick Cheney. The meeting is then thrown open to discussion. Wow, Gamera must really be a threat: both the Soviet Ambassador and the American ambassador voice no complaints about offering whatever assistance they can. Funny, they couldn’t even get all the U.S. Senators to cooperate.
Ah, but the amity doesn’t last long. The Russian ambassador starts getting belligerent and challenging General Arnold’s taking charge of the military operation. Now that’s more like it! When’s he going to start pounding his shoe on the table? You know, Japan is curiously unrepresented in this meeting of the U.N. They decide on a joint command between General Arnold of the U.S. and General Sokolovsky of the U.S.S.R. General Arnold then announces Plan Z. This should be good. Did he run it by Dr. Hidaka and Orville? Suddenly, we do see a Japanese ambassador, who says, “Pran Z is hope of world.” Oh brother.
Meanwhile, Dr. Hidaka and Kyoke are studying photographs taken of Gamera from around the world. “But only in the air. The freezing bomb frightened and upset him.” I know how he feels. At this point, Toshio and his sister arrive at Dr. Hidaka’s office...for some reason. I guess in Japan, you can’t visit Tokyo without paying your respects to Lord King Hidaka, like paying one’s respects to the Pope. They are staying with an uncle in Tokyo and are also in town for some sightseeing. “See there,” says Noburu. “That’s the Tokyo Tower,” which is visible outside Dr. Hidaka’s office window. Well, that takes care of the sightseeing. Toshio is more excited by it than anyone really should be.
Toshio asks Hidaka about Gamera. “Gamera saved my life. He doesn’t mean to be dangerous. He’s just so big and clumsy, that’s all.” Again, I know how he feels. Noburu smiles sheepishly. “He goes overboard when it comes to turtles.” Of that I have no doubt. “I like turtles is all,” says Toshio. “I bet Gamera is lonesome, too, wherever he is. A turtle doesn’t like to be alone.” Yeah. Um, look, kid, the Psychology Department is just down the hall. Maybe you should pay them a visit.
Dah! Suddenly there is an abrupt and jarring cut, and Noburu says “Good night, Toshio.” He’s going to sleep in Dr. Hidaka’s office? Oh, they’re suddenly in a bedroom. OK. That was weird. I think Gamera ate the rest of the previous scene. He does chew up scenery—on a variety of levels. Noburu is tucking Toshio into bed; he looks like a large Japanese burrito. “I thought it was nice of Dr. Hidaka to explain everything to you.” Yeah, I bet. Was any of it accurate?
A week later, there are news reports of a mysterious “reversal of the tide” which wrecked several boats and piers, and somehow this is related to pictures of Gamera’s destruction of the power plant. Estimates of the power plant’s rebuilding range in the “millions.” Of what? Yen? Sounds like rather a bargain. The newsreader then discusses the arrival of representatives from around the world to an international conference—but we are breaking in live with comment from Dr. Hidaka. Man, this guy is the king of all media, isn’t he? He and Orville are taking questions from the press. “How did you find America?” “Turned left at Greenland.” In a nutshell, Gamera is back in the Tokyo area. He snuck in wearing a fedora and dark glasses and checking into a hotel under the name “G. Smith.” Dr. Hidaka then says that Gamera’s presence in Tokyo “gives us a chance to try out the, uh, United Nations’ uh, Plan Z for his, uh, disposal.” Get thee to, uh, a public speaking class, Dr., uh, Hidaka. He then shows a short promotional film about Plan Z, which will take place on a dormant volcano on Oshima Island in Tokyo Bay.
That night, Gamera buzzes and destroys the control tower at the airport. He must have flown U.S. Airways.
Then we go to a Tokyo nightclub where teens are movin’ and a-groovin’ to the Gamera song played by a live band. The building starts shaking, and the police politely ask everyone to leave.
The teens insist, “Don’t blow your cool. We’re not going anywhere. I say we should stay here and dance!” Hmm...it would be so easy to make a joke about youth in Asia, but I shan’t. The band kicks back in. How do three guitars make the sound of an orchestra string section? A moot point, because the nightclub is very soon destroyed by the subject of their song.Gamera then goes on a rampage throughout Tokyo. Model trains are ruthlessly destroyed. Large cardboard buildings are crushed like...cardboard. The Tokyo Tower goes down. So much for Toshio’s sightseeing trip.
Speaking of Toshio, while his sister is trying to pack and evacuate, he is gawking out the window, trying to catch a glimpse of Gamera. Yeah, so this is an accident, eh, Toshio? Gamera doesn’t mean to knock down every building in the city and use his flame breath to fry everyone in range? Admit it, kid: your friend has turned bad.
The next morning, everyone is evacuating the city. Noburu cannot find Toshio. She is told he has gone “down to the river.” She then shouts “Toshio!” more times than any human should. Meanwhile, people are running away from the local refinery, which is where Gamera is wreaking more havoc (and it is strangely night all of a sudden). Naturally, Toshio decides to head toward the refinery.
It looks like Plan Z, whatever it is, is going to be put into effect and it apparently involves a train. An oil tanker car is sent toward Gamera, where it explodes. Just another day on Amtrak.
Lord King Hidaka calls the refinery. Does this guy ever rest? The foreman at the Tokyo oil refinery answers the phone. “O’Neill speaking.” O’Neill? That’s a good Japanese name! Anyway, Lord God King Hidaka says that the Plan Z people won’t be ready for another 24 hours. The plan? Keep feeding Gamera oil and gas until the supply runs out. Brilliant! So that’s why oil prices hit record highs. Toshio overhears this and hops on one of the trains heading toward
Gamera. O’Neill (yeah) spots him and jumps on the train to try to rescue him. He has to forcibly drag Toshio off the train. “He’s my friend!” protests Toshio. There is an explosion and somehow Toshio and O’Neill (uh huh) are on the ground, having been thrown off the train. Everyone laughs at Toshio for wanting to see Gamera, and for good reason. Toshio is filled with shame...and for good reason.Back at the U.N., a Japanese ambassador with a ludicrous and borderline offensive Japanese accent is explaining the situation, that Gamera is being held at the oil refinery, “but our fuel suppry is now dangerousry row.” Oy. General Arnold saves the day. “You will receive a steady flow of high-grade fuel.” Responds the Japanese ambassador, “Excerrent.” Ahhh!!!! The Russian ambassador—no less a stereotype either—asks, “How are you coming with Plan Z?” Says the Japanese ambassador, “Our men are working around the crock.” So Plan Z involves a slow-cooker? They’re going to make Gamera into turtle soup?
Plan Z has to work, because, says the U.S. ambassador, “Gamera may destroy civilization as we know it.” If these clowns are any reflection of civilization, I’m with Gamera.
Back in Tokyo, it is announced that the U.N. airlift of fuel has kept Gamera at the refinery, and everyone cheers (one guys says “Smashing!”) when it is announced that Plan Z will be ready that evening.
Orville pops in: “Let’s not congratulate ourselves prematurely.” Especially given that every other plan they have tried has failed dismally.
And the evacuation of civilians from Oshima Island continues. (I thought it was a volcano?) Toshio opts to hide in a box meant for Oshima rather than evacuate.
Watching it all is Orville. “Dr. Murase, a young lady to see you.” That’s not something he hears very often, and he pivots around to see Noburu. She tells him that Toshio is missing. He must be thinking, along with everyone else, “That’s a bad thing?”
On Oshima, Toshio is discovered and brought before Lord God King Hidaka. “I just wanted to see Gamera,” he says shamefully. Hidaka grunts. “OK, but you have to behave.” Behave? Has he yet behaved? Ever? “I’ll take care of Toshio,” says Kyoke. I bet. I say let the beatings begin. Hidaka gives the order to begin. This should be good. I wager 45 seconds before Hidaka once again says “This was a mistake.”
Men with hoses leap into action, barrels are dropped into the harbor, and Orville tells Noburu that Toshio is safe on Oshima Island. Whether this is good news or not is unclear.
Soon, everything is ready, and Orville and Hidaka call each other to coordinate. Then, the two doddering old professors give the military the order to proceed. Yeah. Riflemen shoot the tanks in the harbor, and they burst into flames. This leaves a fire trail to the island; Gamera is attracted to it and follows. Everyone seems happy by this. ”It worked!” exults Hidaka. Yeah, well, they said the same thing about the freezing bomb, so they may want to hold their applause until the end. Hidaka is looking at the tableau through binoculars. Kyoke asks “Can you see Gamera.” “Kyoke, for heavens’ sake,” he chides. Jeepers, what a grouch.
There is suddenly an announcement of a typhoon warning. A small typhoon has changed course and is heading toward Tokyo. No one saw a typhoon coming? Is everyone in Japan an arcane cryptozoologist and no one bothers to study something practical, like meteorology? Someone also says that volcanic activity is expected to increase, too. What? Oh, and earthquakes will split the ground wide open, frogs and locusts will fall from the sky, and they will run out of toilet paper. Could more things suddenly be going wrong simultaneously?
Toshio stands on the shore shouting, “Gamera! It’s a trap! Get back!” Good one, kid! Why, you little—
The typhoon suddenly blows in and puts out the fire trail. Gamera is still famished and starts heading away. “This blasted typhoon!” grouses Hidaka. I’m surprised he can’t actually control the weather.
Meanwhile, someone starts setting the tents behind them on fire. It is Aoyagi, the photographer, who has a cunning plan to lure Gamera back to the island. Shockingly, it works. But then it starts raining, putting the fire out. Doh! Gamera turns away again. Toshio is elated, the little sh— um, brat. But then, just when it seems hopeless, the volcano on Oshima Island starts erupting, which then draws Gamera back again. Oh, brother. This is like “Gammera the Implausible.” Everyone starts cheering except for Toshio. Take that, twerp.
Orville and Noburu decide to fly out to the island. “Not even a live volcano could keep me away,” says Orville to the pilot. How about they drop him in it?
They quickly arrive with three minutes left before...something happens. They tour the vast underground facility that had apparently been built in less than a day. Yeah.
Ten seconds...and Lord God King Hidaka orders Step Two to go into action. Gas jets light up around a circular stage area. That attracts Gamera, and he walks on to the stage—and as he does, panels on the ground slide aside and two half-domes pop out of the ground. “Close capsule!” yells Hidaka. And the two domes trap Gamera inside. OK, now what? There is a countdown...and the capsule is actually the top of a rocket that was buried underground. It ascends above ground—wobbling rather a lot—and is launched into space.
Everyone in all the various other movie footage—the U.N., the Alaskan adquarters—start cheering. Even the Japanese, the ones who actually did everything, start cheering. A U.N. radio broadcast comes on and an announcer points out that the Plan Z rocket carrying Gamera is on its way to Mars. The announcer then stresses that Plan Z was a scientific achievement that was the result of international cooperation, despite the fact that Dr. Hidaka was in charge of everything and no other country came to help the Japanese military.Toshio is surprisingly cool with this, and says to Dr. Hidaka that “Someday I will be a scientist like you.” What, in charge of the world? “And then I’ll go to Mars in a rocket.” Why wait? Any chance they have another one down there?
Cue Gamera theme music and Toshio bids Gamera “Sayonara.” And Dr. Murase pops some popcorn.
The end.
Ah, remember a day, a day before today, a day when scientists had complete control of the military? Didn’t Mr. Wizard plan the invasion of Normandy? And, unless I’m mistaken, Bill Nye the Science Guy headed up the first Operation Desert Storm. Oh, and the cast of 3-2-1 Contact stopped the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Ah, scientists. Is there anything they can’t do?
In the sequel to Gamera, Dr. Hidaka is appointed Grand Emperor of Earth and his Vice Emperor is, of course, Dr. Murase, the latter of whose only royal edict was that he be submerged in a giant bathtub filled with popcorn. He was never heard from again.
Toshio grew up to become an eminent herpetologist specializing in, of course, turtles, so in Japan he was revered as a god. He would soon force his father and sister to live in a terrarium.
Interestingly, the Jimmy Carl Black-esque Eskimo chief left the Arctic and landed a job as a waiter at a Don Shula’s Steak House. But, alas, it was not to last long, as he could not stop himself from reading legends of death and evil in the cuts of meat he was displaying to patrons. This frightened and confused many of them, who ended up ordering the chicken. The Eskimo guy was fired, but did end up in a Chik-Fil-A in the Del Amo Mall in Torrance, CA, where he also managed to find legends of death and evil written on the surface of fried chicken nuggets. He eventually had to get out of food service entirely. Still, his next career as a shoe salesman was no less checkered.
As for Kyoke and Aoyagi, Dr. Hidaka’s Scooby gang, they eventually divorced each other—which was strange since they had never actually been married. Their attorneys were confused as hell, so it at least had that going for it.
Oh, and what about out titular turtle? Oh, he came back...five times, and in color, too, until Daiei went bankrupt in the early 1970s. Even Lord God King Emperor Poobah Hidaka couldn’t save the company from gross mismanagement.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Hello, Lamppost, What'cha Knowin'?
As someone who is a frequent pedestrian in suburban areas--and at night--I have often had the experience of walking past a streetlight only to have it suddenly go off. In fact, there was a period a year or so ago when this happened rather frequently; it seemed like every time I walked past a streetlight, it would go out. And it's a something I have experienced for many years.
This "phenomenon" has been reported by others, as well, and all sorts of explanations have been offered for it, the most common of which involves something to do with one's own body causing what some experts (and, yes, it is shocking to learn that there are actually experts in this) refer to as "street light interference." That is, the human body emits some sort of energy field (static electricity, some say) that makes the light go out.
Um...no. I would imagine that any force or field (or force field) that could affect a lightbulb as high up as a streetlight would probably fry the computer I am sitting at, as well as any electric or electronic device in whatever room I was in--not to mention the mobile phone and iPod I would be carrying on my person at the time the streetlight went out. Now, granted, the ability to shoot out vast quantities of electricity would be very cool, but, well, I will just have to resign myself to the fact that that is not going to happen. Alas.
I mention this because there is an article on this phenomenon in the latest issue of the Skeptical Inquirer (frustratingly, they don't post their current articles online), but there is an online edition of a short book on the topic found here (link opens a PDF). In a nutshell, and not surprisingly, so-called "streetlight interference" is likely the result of mechanical problems with the lamp combined with the tendency for people to notice things that are out of the ordinary; that is, we are more likely to notice the one or two times that a streetlight goes out than we are to notice the hundred or more times we pass a streetlight and it stays on. (Heck, around here, I'm happy just to notice any streetlights at all.)
As for the experience I had for a period where several streetlights in the neighborhood would all turn off as I passed them...well, I figured (and the SI article confirms this), all the lamps in a given neighborhood were probably installed at the same time and ergo the bulbs--with some degree of variation, and maybe a few that were broken by other factors--would all start to go on the blink (as it were, and which is typical behavior for dying lightbulbs of the type used in streetlights) at roughly the same time.
Supporting my theory was the fact that around the same time, I noticed that the streetlight outside my front window also had a tendency to turn on and off. I knew it couldn't be me, because the lamps inside the house were fine. But then, after a few nights of this, one afternoon I noticed some workmen from the City out front changing the bulb. The lamp hasn't gone off since--nor have any of the other streetlamps in the neighborhood. That appeared to solve that.
So I guess my fantasies of having some kind of superpower will have to remain just that. Maybe I will write a comic book about a superhero who has the power to turn streetlights off. I'm not sure how effective that would be for defeating the forces of evil, but it seems there are more than enough superheroes out there conquering the forces of evil. Now conquering the forces of public works, that's something else...
This "phenomenon" has been reported by others, as well, and all sorts of explanations have been offered for it, the most common of which involves something to do with one's own body causing what some experts (and, yes, it is shocking to learn that there are actually experts in this) refer to as "street light interference." That is, the human body emits some sort of energy field (static electricity, some say) that makes the light go out.
Um...no. I would imagine that any force or field (or force field) that could affect a lightbulb as high up as a streetlight would probably fry the computer I am sitting at, as well as any electric or electronic device in whatever room I was in--not to mention the mobile phone and iPod I would be carrying on my person at the time the streetlight went out. Now, granted, the ability to shoot out vast quantities of electricity would be very cool, but, well, I will just have to resign myself to the fact that that is not going to happen. Alas.
I mention this because there is an article on this phenomenon in the latest issue of the Skeptical Inquirer (frustratingly, they don't post their current articles online), but there is an online edition of a short book on the topic found here (link opens a PDF). In a nutshell, and not surprisingly, so-called "streetlight interference" is likely the result of mechanical problems with the lamp combined with the tendency for people to notice things that are out of the ordinary; that is, we are more likely to notice the one or two times that a streetlight goes out than we are to notice the hundred or more times we pass a streetlight and it stays on. (Heck, around here, I'm happy just to notice any streetlights at all.)
As for the experience I had for a period where several streetlights in the neighborhood would all turn off as I passed them...well, I figured (and the SI article confirms this), all the lamps in a given neighborhood were probably installed at the same time and ergo the bulbs--with some degree of variation, and maybe a few that were broken by other factors--would all start to go on the blink (as it were, and which is typical behavior for dying lightbulbs of the type used in streetlights) at roughly the same time.
Supporting my theory was the fact that around the same time, I noticed that the streetlight outside my front window also had a tendency to turn on and off. I knew it couldn't be me, because the lamps inside the house were fine. But then, after a few nights of this, one afternoon I noticed some workmen from the City out front changing the bulb. The lamp hasn't gone off since--nor have any of the other streetlamps in the neighborhood. That appeared to solve that.
So I guess my fantasies of having some kind of superpower will have to remain just that. Maybe I will write a comic book about a superhero who has the power to turn streetlights off. I'm not sure how effective that would be for defeating the forces of evil, but it seems there are more than enough superheroes out there conquering the forces of evil. Now conquering the forces of public works, that's something else...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
“I saw how the sausage was made in the economy, and it was really freaky.”
Want to know how Wall Street works--or doesn't? Be sure to check out this riveting piece from Conde Nast Portfolio by Liar's Poker author Michael Lewis about "the end of Wall Street." We can all fantasize:
I had been waiting for the end of Wall Street. The outrageous bonuses, the slender returns to shareholders, the never-ending scandals, the bursting of the internet bubble, the crisis following the collapse of Long-Term Capital Management: Over and over again, the big Wall Street investment banks would be, in some narrow way, discredited. Yet they just kept on growing, along with the sums of money that they doled out to 26-year-olds to perform tasks of no obvious social utility. The rebellion by American youth against the money culture never happened. Why bother to overturn your parents’ world when you can buy it, slice it up into tranches, and sell off the pieces?
Monday, November 17, 2008
Prognosticating the Printing Industry
Over at the PrintCEO blog, shameless promotion for my and Dr. Joe's new Printing and Creative Forecast 2009 special report for WhatTheyThink. This is the 10th industry forecast report I have worked on since I started working with the original TrendWatch partners in 1999, and every year I am reminded of the somewhat famous quote from John Kenneth Galbraith: "The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable." Indeed.
Another Long National Nightmare Nearly Over
Well, maybe not "national," but a long nightmare nonetheless:
It's not just a silly fan thing either. A lot of the Syracuse economy (bars, restaurants, hotels) is based on attracting large crowds of rabid alumni. Not to mention corporate sponsorships and other things that bring money into the school. And this is not the time for the school (or anyone, really) to be losing money from any source!
At any rate, hopefully basketball season will help reignite some of the fire that has gone from the fans' ardor.
SU fires Greg Robinson as head football coachWhen they started selling Prozac at the concession stands at the Carrier Dome, I knew it was getting bad. Ken A. and I ventured out last weekend for the UConn game. It was rather like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Robinson's record for ther past four years? 9-36 overall and 3-24 in the Big East. This season, SU is 2-8 and 1-5 after losing to Connecticut.
Syracuse University head football coach Greg Robinson was fired on Sunday by director of athletics Daryl Gross, ending a turbulent era that began with great optimism only to deterioriate into misery, hopelessness and the worst four-year run in the program's 119 years of competition.
It's not just a silly fan thing either. A lot of the Syracuse economy (bars, restaurants, hotels) is based on attracting large crowds of rabid alumni. Not to mention corporate sponsorships and other things that bring money into the school. And this is not the time for the school (or anyone, really) to be losing money from any source!
At any rate, hopefully basketball season will help reignite some of the fire that has gone from the fans' ardor.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Shock the Monkeys
The Encyclopedia Britannica defines an “island” as “any area of land smaller than a continent and entirely surrounded by water.” I only mention this because the film featured in this week’s Mis-Treatment—Kong Island—is set in Africa which, by definition, is not an island (or a single country either). But then geological confusion was the least of the problems of this movie.
Previous entries in this series are:
Kong Island (1968)
Auteur/Perpetrator: Robert Morris (actually Roberto Mauri)
Star(s) of Shame: No one to speak of
Monster: Radio-controlled gorillas; really dumb evil genius
“Plot”: Um...ah...that’s a good question; I’ll have to get back to you on that
Kong Island is one of those movies that have a multitude of titles, depending on what poorly executed part of the film it was trying to emphasize. When it was marketed as a “scantily-clad native babe cavorting in the jungle,” it was called Eva, la Venere selvaggia (or, in English, Eve, the Wild Woman). When it was marketed as “King Kong-esque rogue gorillas attack humans,” it was called Kong Island or, in one iteration, King of Kong Island, despite the fact that Nairobi is decidedly not an island. Kenya dig it? There may also have been versions entitled Kong of King Island, Island of Kong King, Kong of Kong Kong, and, Island of Island Island. I say, let’s just call it King Eve, Wild Kong of Woman Island and be done with it.
Call it what you will, the fact is that a turkey by any other name would still be as painful to watch... Yeah, this one blew. They should distribute it on Blew-Ray DVD. Speaking of video quality, the version in my science-fiction movie boxed set does appear to have been digitally remastered from the original 20th-generation EP-mode VHS version taped off a poorly received UHF channel.
We open on a Jeep trucking (or Jeeping, I guess) through what looks like a rock quarry. So obviously, the movie did not skimp on the scenic locations. The Jeep rounds a corner and Bert (Brad Harris, our hero, by the way) holds them up at gunpoint, demanding money that is
apparently being transported in the Jeep. However, Bert’s cohorts jump the gun, so to speak, and start firing on the Jeep’s passengers. You know that Bert is the good guy because he voices mild complaint about the fact that four people were just killed in cold blood. Bert and two other guys (one of whom is wearing dark glasses and a hat) are after the “payroll money”—$300,000—that the jeep was carrying. And since the name of the company is written in crayon on a strip of cardboard and taped to the windshield of the Jeep, you know it’s a top-notch company they’re stealing from. “That means we’ll never have to work for a living anymore,” says one cohort, and is immediately shot. Well, he was prescient, I have to give him that. Who shot him? Bert’s partner—who then shoots Bert. Bert goes down, but will survive to fight another day.
Cue titles...
After a stark black-and white title sequence, we are in some kind of operating theater...or “cave” might be a better term for it. Two white-masked figures are daubing red tempera paint behind the ear of what looks like a gorilla mask. Oh, I see: they are actually making an incision so they can implant what looks like a binder clip behind the ear of a gorilla. It must be Africa because the heartbeat is vaguely polyrhythmic. This takes rather a while and I am guessing the sound editor just saw 2001 because all we hear on the soundtrack
is the heartbeat and the sound of heavy breathing.
The “doctors” remove their masks and chuckle mischievously; I think they’re actually my HMO’s in-network doctors. One guy is Albert, the guy who shot Bert before the title sequence. The other guy is named Turk, and is Albert’s hired goon. He struggles to remove his large face from his surgical mask, and it turns out he kind of looks like Eddie Rabbitt.
The gorilla stirs and starts wheezing horribly. It was a bold choice to place the microphone in the ape’s larynx.
We then cut abruptly to some kind of bar or restaurant, where an African woman is singing “Go Down, Moses.” Oy. The owner, Theodore, comes in and he just looks like he’s going to be unpleasant. And, sure enough, the first thing he says is “Hurry up,” in a crotchety voice to the cleaning woman. He stops at the bar, chugs down a drink, and proceeds into what I assume is his home, which is attached to the restaurant. He suddenly has a cigarette in his mouth; was it in the drink? He pauses outside a door and hears a female voice. He enters and Ursula, his wife, tells him that they have a visitor: Bert, who is apparently a “prodigal” of some kind. They all provide some back story: Theodore mentions Bert’s pre-title sequence “accident” and thought
Bert had left Africa. Bert says no, but that there is little work for mercenaries at the moment. Who would have thought that the job market in the middle of the African jungle would be bad? Meanwhile, Ursula is parading around fixing drinks with her robe wide open. When you got it, flaunt it, I guess.
Bert asks Theodore, “Have you seen Albert?” Theodore looks shifty and says, “No.” So, in other words “Yes.” Ursula is begging for more back story: “Which one was Albert?” But then she answers her own question: “Oh, yes, I think I remember your mad doctor friend.” She insists that she hasn’t seen him for several years. But she says it in such a way that implies, “Oh, I’ve seen him rather recently and am plotting something with him.”
Bert has no ear for nuance, and hopes he can find him, “I want to see him about this.” And he opens his shirt to reveal a large scar on his shoulder. Thank you.
As Bert leaves the room, Ursula closes her robe. Show time’s over, apparently. Theodore closes the door and confronts his wife. “So you’re back to your old game, eh?” Parcheesi? Chutes and Ladders? Hungry Hungry Hippos? Bert overhears their loud conversation from the hall. Theodore is not happy that Bert is back; Ursula was in love with Bert at one time. I don’t know what made Theodore suspicious; maybe her swanning around in front of Bert mostly nude? “Be careful, Ursula,” says Theodore, proving once again what an utter dickweed he’s going to be. “If you’re lying to me, you’ll regret it.” I can’t see why she would ever want to take off with someone else. Ursula responds, “Just remember this...” A kiss is just a kiss? “He’s the one you have to worry about.” Bert smiles in satisfaction at hearing his character sketch.
Bert walks down the hall and passes another door and hears another female voice within. He pauses to listen. Man, this is more like “Eavesdropping, the Wild Woman.” He barges in and we pan slowly up the legs of Diana, Theodore and Ursula’s daughter, who is unaccountably glad to
see him. She is holding a rifle—was she talking to it? She throws herself at Bert and sits on his lap while he is standing up, which is no mean feat. A gun is poked into Bert’s back. “Better take your hands off her,” says a gruff voice. Oh, it’s just some good-natured ribbing from Robert, Diana’s brother. Diana says she is going big-game hunting in the morning. “What animal are you hunting?” “Sacred monkeys,” she says. “I’ve never heard of them,” says Bert. “What are they?” Robert explains, “They’re supposed to be some kind of sacred wild monkey.” Ah! That explains everything. Now I get it. That’s—huh?!? Now wait a minute. Sacred to whom, and is it generally a good idea to hunt animals that are considered sacred in other people’s religions? “It’s in the forbidden part of the jungle,” says Diana. “Forbidden to white men.” I guess she thinks because she’s a white woman it doesn’t apply to her. Either way, gee, I can’t imagine anything going wrong on that trip. “Bert,” says Robert, “why don’t you come with us? It’ll be a hell of a lot of fun.” Yeah, venturing into forbidden parts of the jungle, crapping on natives’ religions, shooting monkeys. Sounds like a ball. Who could possibly turn that down? As it turns out, Bert does. “Firearms make me sick,” he says, picking up the gun.
They talk about old times, albeit very briefly, and Robert mentions Turk, “Albert’s friend, the one with the scar on his face.” He apparently comes around to Theodore’s restaurant, and this intrigues Bert. He nods thoughtfully, then we pan over and zoom in on some kind of African mask painting.
Cut to later that evening, at the local dance club. (In Nairobi? Huh?) Everyone is a-movin’ and a-groovin’ to the epic instrumental “Music for Surf Guitar and Hammond Organ” (it was 1968). Bert sits at the bar; Ursula points out that there is a man in the bar “who has been eyeing you for a long time.” Oh god, I hope this doesn’t turn into Brokeback Jungle or something like that.
Said “guy” looks like a cross between Jack Lemmon and the guy who played the psychiatrist in M*A*S*H. Could he possibly be more out of place? They exchange unknowing glances.
Diana shows up, wearing a leather go-go outfit held together with white duct tape. Ah, the late 1960s! They then start boxing with each other...oh, that’s dancing. My mistake.
We then pan around the room to see everyone frugging like mad. It’s like one of those party sequences in Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In. I expect to see Joann Worley, Arte Johnson, and/or Henry Gibson pop up. Is that a chicken joke?
We return to Bert and Diane and they compare wristbands, watched over by the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Then, in walks Turk, and Bert is not happy. Turk takes off, with Bert in hot pursuit. Outside, Bert is set upon by four guys wielding machetes. In a classic James West disarm, Bert takes down four guys with one blow. There is a brawl, and Bert is ultimately saved by the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Bert thanks him; “The pleasure was all mine.” 
Bert then walks off, apparently uninterested in who this guy is and why he just saved his life. Go figure. Diana is waiting for him. “You were right; it’s the men and not the animals who are the real danger.” I think that’s generally a given. “Right now, it’s men not animals that I’m going to settle with.” But after that, look out, rhinos. She again tries to cajole him into going hunting with her. He again declines.
I have to say at this point that however much the movie may suck, the soundtrack music is surprisingly good, being a kind of 60s acid rock with vaguely African music. Peter Gabriel, eat your heart out.
The next day, a caravan of Jeeps sets out on Diana’s hunt for the sacred monkeys. They pass by a couple of elephants. “Too bad we’re not hunting elephants,” she says. “I’ll bet you are,” returns Robert. What? Welcome to Non-Sequitur Theater. “It’s so exciting,” she quivers. Yeah, exerting one’s dominion over the creatures of the earth, killing things. I know I can’t get enough of that. “I can’t wait to find out if there really is a sacred monkey,” she says. “I told you it’s just a legend,” returns Robert. So wait a minute: is this only a big snipe hunt?! Don’t tell the guys who are lugging the gear.
“Look, a pair of lions!” shouts Diana. Replies her brother, “And they didn’t even condescend to
look at us.” Who could blame them? “Look at those birds!” shouts Robert. Unfortunately, the Jeep is jouncing around too much so all we can see are white blurs. And besides, they’ve lived in Africa for years and they’re still amazed by birds?
The drive continues on in silence for a while. Cool music, through.
They arrive...wherever they are, and begin unloading the Jeeps. Meanwhile, Turk watches them through binoculars while really cool fuzztone guitar chords strike up. Turk must have severe vision problems or really cheap binoculars because the field of vision is rather restricted.
The hunters lug two Jeeps worth of crap into the jungle. This takes rather a while. They come upon two leopard cubs and Diana thinks they are too cute to kill. Awww.... So they move on. They come across what one could assume is the cubs’ mother, and proceed to fire at it. Boo!! Fortunately, the leopard has far more intelligence than any of the humans in this movie and easily outwits the mighty hunters by hiding behind a tree. They give up. Whew!
They trudge onward. This takes a while. Cool music, though.
They come across a campsite and cut to later that evening. They are finishing dinner. “You’re really a good cook, Molumba,” says Robert, sarcastically. Ha ha ha. Diana actually liked it. “You must be very hungry,” says Robert. “Your appetite is never like this at home.” Diana never has a second cup of coffee at home.
Meanwhile, the native guides are taking loudly amongst themselves. Robert asks Molumba what the problem is; “My men don’t want to continue. There’s a devil in the jungle. They say, there is a powerful evil spirit.” Yes, we know; you’ve been lugging her crap. Robert knows how to sensitively handle native religious beliefs. “Tell them I’ll double their pay, and be ready in the morning.”
Later that evening, Diana is undressing in her tent. Of course; you knew there was going to be at least one scene of Diana undressing. But as the cool fuzztone guitar returns, a guy in a gorilla suit peers out of the bushes and watches Diana undress. A second gorilla appears and peers.
One of the gorillas bursts into Diana’s tent and carries her off. She drops her bracelet. Meanwhile, the other gorilla attacks the humans, leaving one dead and Robert dazed on the ground. The gorillas flee into the woods. Gorilla, you’re a desperado. Turk appears and stands over Robert. “Now remember this...” A kiss is just a kiss? Oh; “Diana’s life depends on you. Go back to Nairobi. Immediately. And explain what happened to your father.” What happened to his father? Oh, I see, never mind... “And say, if he wants his daughter back alive, there’s only one way to get her.”
Cut to—hey, wait a minute! What’s the one way to get her back?
The gorillas carry Diana through the woods; someone in desperate need of a pedicure finds Diana’s bracelet on the ground in her tent. Man, this is like “Accessory Island.”
Back in Nairobi, Robert is explaining to Bert about the monkeys, how one grabbed Diana and the other attacked the rest of the camp. “It’s like they were...human almost....They behaved as if they had a plan, as if it had been prearranged, as if they were some kind of robots.” So were they humans or robots? Bert is a mite skeptical. Theodore comes in and pleads with Bert. “I don’t know who else I can turn to to help Diana.” He avoids looking at Robert while saying this. Probably for good reason. Bert is hesitant, and Robert opts for the passive-aggressive route. “Well, if Bert doesn’t want to help, we’ll look for Diana ourselves.” “You haven’t got a hope of finding her. I’m not going,” says Bert. “I’d lead the safari myself if I were younger,” says Theodore. Man, this is like “Wuss Island.” Theodore offers him money.
“Bert,” says Robert, “there’s something important I didn’t tell you. I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. I saw Turk out there.” Yeah, that’s so much more unbelievable than the robot gorilla thing. That gets Bert’s attention, and to symbolize Bert’s inner turmoil the cameraman abruptly zooms in from a long shot to a close up of his nose. “I’m convinced that he’s behind it. The kidnapping,” adds Robert. “I’ve changed my mind,” says Bert, “I’ll go.” Well, I guess we know what his priorities are: “I think you mentioned money.” Jeez. Weren’t Bert and Diana dancing the night before, and now he has to be bribed to go save her? What an ass. Theodore hands him a wad of bills; he looks at it confusedly. “You’ll get the other half when Diana is safe,” says Theodore. Bert stalks off. A fine, noble hero this guy is. I think I’ll root for the monkeys.
After Bert is gone, Theodore chuckles. “You did it, Robert.” Robert is ashamed, as well he should be—for any number of reasons. Hmm...so they’re setting Bert up for something. Pity. And to get out of this scene, we pan over and zoom into another African mask. Is the director also shooting a documentary on African art?
At the bar, Bert sits adown and calls “Whiskey.” Ursula sidles up and says “Two whiskeys.” Wow can she drink. But then to be married to Theodore and in love with Bert, I’m guessing she hasn’t been sober since the Taft Administration. “Watch your step,” she advises him. “You may find it’s dangerous to violate ancient taboos.” Wasn’t this advice she should have given her daughter? “Don’t say anything,” she warns, as Theodore comes over and ushers her away.
Cut to the next day, and Bert, Robert, and several others are on a boat. Boat? But Diana’s hunting party didn’t take a boat anywhere. Where are they going? Bert points out some birds. Was the screenwriter a birdwatching aficionado? Oh, no! Robert is being attacked by a large,
furry creature! Oh, wait, that’s just his body hair. Oh, please please please put a shirt on. He tries to shoot a crocodile but misses, and one of the other guys in the boat is struggling to not laugh uproariously. I guess it’s good for the indigenous fauna that the hunters in this movie couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Oh, no! Robert is rubbing water all over his body. I haven’t been this ill since The Horrors of Spider Island. Bert eyes a bunch of hippos lasciviously. “I wish it was me in there swimming.” Yeah. Well you know, a childhood obsession with Henrietta Hippo on The New Zoo Revue can recur at the oddest moments...
Soon, they are walking through the woods. “Something’s moving,” says Robert. “A python,” says Bert. (Cue “The Liberty Bell.”) “Don’t kill it,” says Bert as Robert raises his gun. Wow, that’s not a line one hears too often in this movie. Like he could even hit it anyway.
Meanwhile, the Jack Lemmon/M*A*S*H psychiatrist guy pops up from behind a street and looks on. Now wait a minute. How did he follow them without them noticing another boat following them?
They all continue through the woods. It takes rather a while. Cool music though. Sounds vaguely like The Residents’ “Six Things to a Cycle.”
Someone yells out, “The sacred monkey! The sacred monkey!” And we pan up to a chimpanzee in a treetop. That’s the sacred monkey? Don’t let these guys watch BJ and the Bear. (God, I’m old.) But wait: “I don’t mean the chimpanzee.” What then? No, don’t tell us or anything.
They walk on and come across their campsite from the previous evening. “It’s just as I left it,” says Robert. So the maid didn’t come by to tidy up? I guess not; even the dead guy is still there. Funny; I would have thought there would be any number of creatures in the jungle that would take care of a dead body on the ground. I guess the local fauna are all on a hunger strike or something.
Secretly watching them is a very scantily clad female figure sitting in a tree. I’m guessing this is Eve, the Wild Woman? She kind of looks like a composite of the two women who were Dawn in Tony Orlando & Dawn. (God, I’m old.)
“All right, step on it,” shouts Robert. Um, what exactly? “Take that body down the hill and bury it.” That goes over well with the locals. “No! Taboo! Taboo!” “Don’t be stupid! Do what you’re told,” admonishes Robert. It’s amazing he’s never been murdered in his sleep. You know you’re being a dink when Bert is the voice of sensitivity and understanding. “There’s no reason to act like that,” says Bert. “You’ve been getting worse and worse since we left the boat. What’s wrong with you kid?” Kid? He’s like 45. “I’m getting worried about you.” Robert has some issues, probably stemming from the fact that he’s setting Bert up to be killed. Psychological depth? Nuance? In this movie? Oh, I don’t think so.
Meanwhile, Eve looks on. And the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy camps nearby...
In the woods, Robert and Turk confront each other. Robert insists he delivered his part of the bargain (Bert) and demands to have his sister back. They nearly come to blows.
Here’s what I don’t get (among other things). If Turk (or Albert, whom Turk is working for) wanted Bert, why not just go into Nairobi and capture him? Sure, they screwed up the first time, but he’s just one guy. Surly enough hired goons—or the gorillas—could get him eventually. Why concoct a needlessly complicated kidnapping plot, talk/bribe him into going to rescue her, and then capture him along the way? And then, even once Bert is out in the woods, wait a good long time before going after him? This is like Rube Goldberg planning revenge.
So Turk says, “I’ll let you see your sister when I’ve got Bert. And that won’t be none to easy.” Why? Bert doesn’t have super powers or anything.
Robert stalks off.
Across the camp, Eve slinks around and wanders into Bert’s tent and ogles him while he sleeps. So what would stop Turk from taking him now? Getting people in this movie to do anything is such a chore. Man, it’s Like “Lethargy Island.” As Eve is staring intently at Bert, something startles her and she jumps back (aided by cutting a few frames from the film) and she darts into the jungle.
It is suddenly the next day, and Eve is calling to her chimpanzee. “Hymie!” Hymie? The Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy looks on. Everyone is always watching everyone else surreptitiously in this movie. Man, it’s like “Voyeur Island.”
Bert and co. are on the move again. It takes rather a while. No music this time; but lots of loud jungle noises (except for that “ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah” creature you always hear in jungle movies. Eve and Hymie the chimpanzee follow them and Eve giggles at a lion. You can’t hide your lion eyes. There are random intercuts between Bert’s party, Eve, and random jungle animals. At one point, a leopard shapeshifts into lioness.
Suddenly, the jungle noises abruptly stop. I guess the sound editor’s tape ran out. Bert stops. “Hey,” Bert protests. He needs the sounds of the jungle to relax him, like some people need a white noise machine to sleep. One of the guides says, “When the jungle is quiet, the spirit of death is near.” “We’ll soon see if there are any spirits around here,” says Bert, brandishing a rifle. He’s not clear on the concept. Even the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy is concerned. Who is that guy?
The fuzztone guitar kicks in—Ah, the Ape Theme! Two gorillas leap out of the bushes and jump on the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Bert hears the melee and/or the guitar theme, and rushes over. He fires some shots. he hits one gorilla, and the other takes off. Bert rushes over. “Ugly beast,” he says looking at the dead gorilla. Hey, you’re no prize yourself, pal. He asks of the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy is OK. He is, but he’s not happy about it. “Thanks. Now we’re even.”
Bert asks what he wants. “My name is Forrester,” he says. “And I’m working with Interpol.” Oh, really? I especially liked Turn on the Bright Lights, but all three albums are pretty good. So why is he out there following Bert? Is that the Heinrich Maneuver? “I’m investigating your robbery.” He explains that he is looking for Albert, adding, “She was all right ’cause the sea was so airtight, she broke away.” The Interpol guy gives some more back story about the robbery we saw before the title sequence: “When you were in the hospital, you were delirious for weeks.” Only weeks? “From what you said, we were able to reconstruct the crime.” What’s to reconstruct? Three guys robbed a Jeep, and one partner shot the other two. It wasn’t exactly the Brinks job. Says the Interpol guy, “We only let you go so you would lead us to Albert Muller,” and then adds, “How are things on the West Coast? I hear you’re moving real fine. You wear those shoes like a dove.”
The Interpol guy explains that they are looking for Albert because they think he is experimenting on “conditioned brain reflexes in certain kinds of animals. The results could be disastrous.” Or just plain silly. It’s a fine line. Bert, of course, has his priorities. “What do I get out of it if I help you?” Once again: our hero, ladies and gentlemen. The Interpol guy promises him some kind of reward, like maybe their live EP. Bert is still eager to settle his score with Albert. “I won’t save him,” says the Interpol guy. But, I thought...weren’t you trying to...oh, never mind.
They come back across Robert, who has been attacked by the gorillas. “It wasn’t part of the plan,” says Bert, and he admits that he was wise to the fact that the whole thing was a set up. Oh, come on: this guy isn’t that smart. “Who put you up to this: Diana?” Yes, that’s right: the girl who was kidnapped. OK, yes, he really isn’t that smart. Robert admits that Albert was the one who kidnapped Diana—and Robert admits that Albert is working on...something. “Even my father put money into it.” There’s a prospectus I’d like to see. But, before he can say anything more, he is shot by Turk standing in a nearby tree. He also takes out a few of the natives who were charging out of the woods at him.
Bert and the Interpol guy sneak away, but are captured by a local tribe and are tied to a stick and carried away. Yes! Meanwhile, Eve looks on with concern.
Turk reconnoiters with Albert and has to admit that the plan has gone wrong, that Bert was captured by a local tribe of Hakawi or something (is this F Troop all of a sudden?). Albert says, “I had everything planned to the letter. It was perfect.” Um, no, it really wasn’t. “It was the gorillas that ruined the plan,” says Turk. It was beauty killed the beast! No, actually, I think the blame goes all the way up to the top on this one. “What went wrong? What?” asks Albert, ignoring everything Turk has just said. Some evil genius. They take off. “We have work to do,” says Albert. I bet.
Meanwhile, Bert and the Interpol guy are untied. “Why are they untying us?” Bert explains, “They’re savages. They expect us to run for our lives.” Ah. So...they then run for their lives. They charge down into a ditch and the tribe stands up top hurling spears at them,. Naturally, they all miss. No one can hit anything with any weapon in this movie. I think they need an optometrist. Man, it’s like “Myopia Island.”
Bert stabs a native with his own spear and takes off into the woods, ditching the Interpol guy. He comes to a stream by a waterfall, takes his shirt off and goes for a swim. Ugh. This takes rather a while. Cool music, though.
He is startled to see that, placed on top of his shirt over on a rock, are two bunches of bananas and a flower. Hymie the chimpanzee makes fun of him. He swims over and has a banana. Across
the lake, he spies Eve, and we zoom into his banana-filled open mouth. Thanks for the chew’n’show, movie. “Hey,” he yells through a mouthful of banana. Our hero! He charges over towards her, and she flees. One could hardly blame her. She’s gone, and he returns to the bananas. She then returns to the rock across the stream. She smiles at him. What the heck is going on? He lights a cigarette and they stare at each other. He throws the cigarette in the stream, and the littering doesn’t seem to bother her.
The apes’ fuzztone theme kicks in, and, sure enough, one of the gorillas comes out of the woods right behind Bert. Eve starts yelling something in Junglese at it, and we zoom in on the stitches behind the gorilla’s ear and hear loud static. Huh? I think the gorilla’s now picking up AM radio. Bert spins around, draws a knife, and stabs the gorilla. Eve seems cool with this. Bert sneaks off, finds a cave, lights a fire, and goes to sleep.
Meanwhile, Ursula Undress is getting out of a bathtub. She dons a robe and pads into her bedroom, where Theodore is sitting, waiting for her. “I hope I’m not bothering you, sweetie,” he says, although you get the sense that he’d prefer it if he were bothering her. He caught her as she was packing, about to skip town. They fight; Theodore thinks she was planning to run off with Bert. She admits that living in the African jungle wasn’t the high life she had been led to believe it was. “For years you promised to take me away from this hellhole—Paris, London, Rome.” Not Schuylerville?
Now Theodore really turns on the charm. “You think you can just pack a bag and go?” Well, that was the idea. “Everything you own is mine!” You can’t walk out on me, I’m Charles Foster Kane! Well, maybe not... And he proceeds to give her a beating, which makes him even more loathsome than he had been before, which is quite something. “You’d like me to let you go, wouldn’t you?” Well, yes! Of course!
She dashes to the dresser and pulls out a gun. “Come any closer, you’ll get exactly what you deserve: bullet in the gut.” That gut? Better use at least a few rounds, or maybe a bazooka. “You’re revolting to me. I just can’t bear to have you touch me.” She does have a point. “Oh, calm down, Ursula. You know it’s just because I love you that I’m jealous.” Sorry, pal; you lost any sympathy when you beat the crap out of her. I vote for the bullet in the gut. He insists that thanks to Albert’s invention, which he helped finance, they’re going to be rich. Uh, I wouldn’t count those chickens just yet... He then snatches the gun away from her. Damn. He then starts kissing her madly, and thankfully we cut away to some burnt embers.
Eve is skulking about Bert’s sleeping body. He leaps to his feet, and knocks her to the ground. Whoa—she’s got nothing on under her long black hair. She is a wild woman. “That’s more like it, woman,” he says. Ugh. Well, this movie ratcheted up the loathsomeness in the past 10 minutes. He tells her he is not going to hurt her. They smile at each other. “Are you the sacred monkey?” he asks her. What? Where did that come from? Is he bananas? He attempts to communicate with her, but it doesn’t work. “I’ll call you Eve,” he says. Sure, why not? He then finds Diana’s bracelet on her. Once again, the accessories pay off in this movie. He tries to persuade her to take him to Diana.
In Albert’s lair, a radio-controlled gorilla wanders past cages of prisoners. It opens Diana’s cage and escorts her to Albert. “You monster! You maniac!” she shouts. Albert chuckles. “You think I’m a monster?” Actually, I thought she meant that the gorilla was the monster and Albert was the maniac, but if the shoe fits... Albert then has to repeat his order to the gorilla three times before it obeys. He then introduces Diana to the gorilla, which he calls Malik. Sure, why not?. “Just like a robot. It always obeys.” Well, it takes three tries, but eventually it obeys. The gorilla is the culmination of all his theories. Which are, what exactly?
Here’s the part where the mad scientist explains his plan and how everything works so at some point he can be easily thwarted. He leads Diana up to a large luminous brain on the wall. “This brain is the nerve center that controls all the apes.” He then shows her the transmitter, and probably where the instruction manual is. “Their will ceases. It puts them at my command.” Yeah. “They’re my pets. I’ve managed to eliminate their savage ways.” No, you haven’t. You’ve just harnessed them for your own ends. He then demands obedience from her, or she’ll end up in the cage with the other women he plans to experiment on.
“I can take control of all humanity with this invention. I’ll be rich and powerful. All of you will do as I say!” Huh? That’s his big plan—to implant radio receivers in everyone on earth? What was the population in 1968, 2 billion or something like that? That’s a lot of operations, and I’m guessing some folks will be trying to stop him once he gets beyond the five people who live in his jungle village. You know, it’s one thing to develop a technology, but very often you need a strategic partner to effectively deploy it. Then again, this clown would have been a natural during the dot-com boom.
On the wall, the brain throbs. I know how it feels. There are either intruders, or the cave has a migraine. It could go either way at this point. Albert sends Turk (who has been pretty quiet during all of the foregoing) out to see who it is. Albert puts Diana back in her cage.
Outside, Bert and Eve look quizzically around. Eve leads him toward Albert’s cave. Albert has a loudspeaker system set up, and announces, “Bert. I’ve been waiting for you.” He then explains how he had Theodore send him into the jungle. Albert says that he had been afraid that the native tribe had foiled his plans, “But you were too smart for them. You’re an excellent specimen of the human race.” No, he most certainly is not! “That’s why I chose you for my first experiment on a human being.” Oh, is that all? OK, that’s sounds fine. I say go for it. “Ha ha ha! You’ll have the honor of being the first man to become my slave!” You know, the evil is one thing, but the gloating is really just the worst. Albert eggs Bert on as Bert makes his way through the cave. Albert really is a bit too pleased with himself, and for no good reason.
Bert takes a while to wander through the cave. Cool music though. Turk jumps out at him. “I keep bumping into you everywhere I go. It must be fate,” says Turk. Um, no, it’s your boss who brought him there. Weren’t you listening to the PA system, or anything else Albert had said throughout this movie? Then the PA cuts in again. “Bring him here, Turk!” That startles Turk, and gives Bert the opportunity to run away. Turk starts shooting at him.
Meanwhile, one of the gorillas meets up with Eve, who calls the ape “Loomba.” There is some static from the radio receiver, then Loomba captures her and brings her into the cave.
Inside, Turk is looking for Bert, while Albert is being a pain in the tuchis over the PA system. Turk sees a boot sticking out from behind a rock, and thinks he has him. However, it is just the boot, and Bert is actually hiding behind him. He slugs Turk and Turk goes down. “Now I’m gonna kill ya,” says Bert.
OK, get this: the rifle is on the ground some distance from Turk, but not far from Bert. Turk sees the rifle, but scrambles in the other direction. Bert makes no move to get the rifle, but grabs Turk and throws him over toward the rifle, where Turk can easily pick it up. An excellent human specimen, eh? But Turk can’t seem to fire it and gives Bert ample time to slug him some
more. Somehow, Turk has a knife all of a sudden, but it doesn’t matter because Bert manages to knock him to the ground and disarm him anyway. Does anyone actually know how to use a weapon in this movie? While on the ground, Turk grabs a rock, unseen by Bert who is the one pinning him to the ground, and clouts Bert in the thick boot with it. They struggle some more, and ultimately Turk is strangled by his own rifle.
Back a Albert’s, Loomba brings a screaming Eve in, and Albert is pleased to have the sacred monkey captured by one of her subjects. Albert gloats to a woman who speaks no English that he now controls all the gorillas. Um...yeah. On the wall, the brain throbs some more and Albert sends the gorilla out to attend to whoever it is. He then gets back on the PA system and tries to cajole Bert into obeying him. Man, this guy has control issues. Albert tells Bert that Eve and Diana are his prisoners, and their life depends on Bert obeying. “You wouldn’t want their deaths on your conscience.” Well, with Bert, it really depends how much money is involved. Albert gives Bert 10 minutes or he turns the women over to the gorillas, “and there won’t be much left for you. The gorillas are getting excited.” I thought he had removed all savagery from then, unless he’s ordering them to get excited about killing women. Albert keeps droning on and on... He’s worse than the gorillas.
At that point, Theodore and Ursula show up and insist that Diana be released. He is also pissed that Robert was killed. Albert suddenly has a headache. So do I. Theodore orders him to open Diana’s cell. And he does. Theodore takes him to task, but then Ursula points a gun at Theodore, and lets Albert disarm him. “Surprise, Theodore. I wasn’t going to escape with Bert but with him.” Six of one, half dozen of another really. “Albert promised to take me away from this horrible country.” She then shoots Theodore. Let the cast-thinning begin! Diana is upset that her father was killed, and Ursula then yells at Diana: “I hate you! I hate you! It’s all your fault I could never get away!” She is about to clout Diana with the butt of the rifle, but Eve leaps out and stops her. They wrestle. Albert chuckles. Albert then shoots Ursula. “I’ve been hunting the sacred monkey for a year, and I don’t intend to lose her now. When I want something, I take it, and I keep it forever.” Jeez.
There is another gunshot. It’s Bert, one of the only characters left alive. “Not this time, Albert.” Albert commends Bert on his punctuality. “But I haven’t lost the game yet.” Neither the excellent human specimen nor Diana who is looking right at him notice the two gorillas lumbering up behind him. The gorillas grab Bert. Diana tells Bert to shoot the brain on the wall. While the gorillas hold him, he shoots the red light—but I thought that was just the visitor alarm. Whatever it is, the result is that the monkeys all clutch their heads, and all the equipment bursts into flame. Cover me though the fire indeed. Pretty touchy stuff. Eve then takes control of the gorillas, and Albert chews the scenery big time. “I’m your master!” he cries, and runs down a cavern. Two gorillas catch him and carry him off. You get the sense that there won’t be much left. The rest of the equipment goes up in smoke.
Outside, Bert and Diana bid Eve farewell, although now they call her Eva. And the payoff? Diana gives Eve(a) her bracelet. Yes! The accessory motif pays off. And Bert and Diana sail off, as Eve(a) ambles back into the jungle with Hymie the chimpanzee.
The end.
Hey, what happened to the Interpol guy? I wanted to quote some more lyrics.
I have decided to take a tip from the evil genius in the movie and overthink and overplan everything I do. So here’s my plan. The next time I want to have a pizza delivered, instead of just calling up and ordering one, here is what I will do. I will have my animal henchmen (there are no gorillas here in Saratoga, so I will have to make do with what I have; thus, my army of radio-controlled squirrels) carry off the daughter of the pizza shop. I will then have my hired human goon (well, an intern, a local student who wants to learn graphic design—I get a fair number of resumes) persuade one of the pizza shop’s delivery guys to rescue his boss’ daughter by leading an expedition (complete with large, pepperoni pizza) into the labyrinth of Geyser Crest. Then, I will have my squirrel army attack, and carry the pizza back to me. It’s perfect! What could possibly go wrong?
Previous entries in this series are:
The Skull
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women
Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet
The Wasp Woman
The Horrors of Spider Island
The Atomic Brain
The Amazing Transparent Man
She Gods of Shark Reef
Moon of the Wolf
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Queen of the Amazons
The Incredible Petrified World
Kong Island (1968)Auteur/Perpetrator: Robert Morris (actually Roberto Mauri)
Star(s) of Shame: No one to speak of
Monster: Radio-controlled gorillas; really dumb evil genius
“Plot”: Um...ah...that’s a good question; I’ll have to get back to you on that
Kong Island is one of those movies that have a multitude of titles, depending on what poorly executed part of the film it was trying to emphasize. When it was marketed as a “scantily-clad native babe cavorting in the jungle,” it was called Eva, la Venere selvaggia (or, in English, Eve, the Wild Woman). When it was marketed as “King Kong-esque rogue gorillas attack humans,” it was called Kong Island or, in one iteration, King of Kong Island, despite the fact that Nairobi is decidedly not an island. Kenya dig it? There may also have been versions entitled Kong of King Island, Island of Kong King, Kong of Kong Kong, and, Island of Island Island. I say, let’s just call it King Eve, Wild Kong of Woman Island and be done with it.
Call it what you will, the fact is that a turkey by any other name would still be as painful to watch... Yeah, this one blew. They should distribute it on Blew-Ray DVD. Speaking of video quality, the version in my science-fiction movie boxed set does appear to have been digitally remastered from the original 20th-generation EP-mode VHS version taped off a poorly received UHF channel.
We open on a Jeep trucking (or Jeeping, I guess) through what looks like a rock quarry. So obviously, the movie did not skimp on the scenic locations. The Jeep rounds a corner and Bert (Brad Harris, our hero, by the way) holds them up at gunpoint, demanding money that is
apparently being transported in the Jeep. However, Bert’s cohorts jump the gun, so to speak, and start firing on the Jeep’s passengers. You know that Bert is the good guy because he voices mild complaint about the fact that four people were just killed in cold blood. Bert and two other guys (one of whom is wearing dark glasses and a hat) are after the “payroll money”—$300,000—that the jeep was carrying. And since the name of the company is written in crayon on a strip of cardboard and taped to the windshield of the Jeep, you know it’s a top-notch company they’re stealing from. “That means we’ll never have to work for a living anymore,” says one cohort, and is immediately shot. Well, he was prescient, I have to give him that. Who shot him? Bert’s partner—who then shoots Bert. Bert goes down, but will survive to fight another day.
Cue titles...After a stark black-and white title sequence, we are in some kind of operating theater...or “cave” might be a better term for it. Two white-masked figures are daubing red tempera paint behind the ear of what looks like a gorilla mask. Oh, I see: they are actually making an incision so they can implant what looks like a binder clip behind the ear of a gorilla. It must be Africa because the heartbeat is vaguely polyrhythmic. This takes rather a while and I am guessing the sound editor just saw 2001 because all we hear on the soundtrack
is the heartbeat and the sound of heavy breathing.The “doctors” remove their masks and chuckle mischievously; I think they’re actually my HMO’s in-network doctors. One guy is Albert, the guy who shot Bert before the title sequence. The other guy is named Turk, and is Albert’s hired goon. He struggles to remove his large face from his surgical mask, and it turns out he kind of looks like Eddie Rabbitt.
The gorilla stirs and starts wheezing horribly. It was a bold choice to place the microphone in the ape’s larynx.
We then cut abruptly to some kind of bar or restaurant, where an African woman is singing “Go Down, Moses.” Oy. The owner, Theodore, comes in and he just looks like he’s going to be unpleasant. And, sure enough, the first thing he says is “Hurry up,” in a crotchety voice to the cleaning woman. He stops at the bar, chugs down a drink, and proceeds into what I assume is his home, which is attached to the restaurant. He suddenly has a cigarette in his mouth; was it in the drink? He pauses outside a door and hears a female voice. He enters and Ursula, his wife, tells him that they have a visitor: Bert, who is apparently a “prodigal” of some kind. They all provide some back story: Theodore mentions Bert’s pre-title sequence “accident” and thought
Bert had left Africa. Bert says no, but that there is little work for mercenaries at the moment. Who would have thought that the job market in the middle of the African jungle would be bad? Meanwhile, Ursula is parading around fixing drinks with her robe wide open. When you got it, flaunt it, I guess.Bert asks Theodore, “Have you seen Albert?” Theodore looks shifty and says, “No.” So, in other words “Yes.” Ursula is begging for more back story: “Which one was Albert?” But then she answers her own question: “Oh, yes, I think I remember your mad doctor friend.” She insists that she hasn’t seen him for several years. But she says it in such a way that implies, “Oh, I’ve seen him rather recently and am plotting something with him.”
Bert has no ear for nuance, and hopes he can find him, “I want to see him about this.” And he opens his shirt to reveal a large scar on his shoulder. Thank you.
As Bert leaves the room, Ursula closes her robe. Show time’s over, apparently. Theodore closes the door and confronts his wife. “So you’re back to your old game, eh?” Parcheesi? Chutes and Ladders? Hungry Hungry Hippos? Bert overhears their loud conversation from the hall. Theodore is not happy that Bert is back; Ursula was in love with Bert at one time. I don’t know what made Theodore suspicious; maybe her swanning around in front of Bert mostly nude? “Be careful, Ursula,” says Theodore, proving once again what an utter dickweed he’s going to be. “If you’re lying to me, you’ll regret it.” I can’t see why she would ever want to take off with someone else. Ursula responds, “Just remember this...” A kiss is just a kiss? “He’s the one you have to worry about.” Bert smiles in satisfaction at hearing his character sketch.
Bert walks down the hall and passes another door and hears another female voice within. He pauses to listen. Man, this is more like “Eavesdropping, the Wild Woman.” He barges in and we pan slowly up the legs of Diana, Theodore and Ursula’s daughter, who is unaccountably glad to
see him. She is holding a rifle—was she talking to it? She throws herself at Bert and sits on his lap while he is standing up, which is no mean feat. A gun is poked into Bert’s back. “Better take your hands off her,” says a gruff voice. Oh, it’s just some good-natured ribbing from Robert, Diana’s brother. Diana says she is going big-game hunting in the morning. “What animal are you hunting?” “Sacred monkeys,” she says. “I’ve never heard of them,” says Bert. “What are they?” Robert explains, “They’re supposed to be some kind of sacred wild monkey.” Ah! That explains everything. Now I get it. That’s—huh?!? Now wait a minute. Sacred to whom, and is it generally a good idea to hunt animals that are considered sacred in other people’s religions? “It’s in the forbidden part of the jungle,” says Diana. “Forbidden to white men.” I guess she thinks because she’s a white woman it doesn’t apply to her. Either way, gee, I can’t imagine anything going wrong on that trip. “Bert,” says Robert, “why don’t you come with us? It’ll be a hell of a lot of fun.” Yeah, venturing into forbidden parts of the jungle, crapping on natives’ religions, shooting monkeys. Sounds like a ball. Who could possibly turn that down? As it turns out, Bert does. “Firearms make me sick,” he says, picking up the gun.They talk about old times, albeit very briefly, and Robert mentions Turk, “Albert’s friend, the one with the scar on his face.” He apparently comes around to Theodore’s restaurant, and this intrigues Bert. He nods thoughtfully, then we pan over and zoom in on some kind of African mask painting.
Cut to later that evening, at the local dance club. (In Nairobi? Huh?) Everyone is a-movin’ and a-groovin’ to the epic instrumental “Music for Surf Guitar and Hammond Organ” (it was 1968). Bert sits at the bar; Ursula points out that there is a man in the bar “who has been eyeing you for a long time.” Oh god, I hope this doesn’t turn into Brokeback Jungle or something like that.
Said “guy” looks like a cross between Jack Lemmon and the guy who played the psychiatrist in M*A*S*H. Could he possibly be more out of place? They exchange unknowing glances.Diana shows up, wearing a leather go-go outfit held together with white duct tape. Ah, the late 1960s! They then start boxing with each other...oh, that’s dancing. My mistake.
We then pan around the room to see everyone frugging like mad. It’s like one of those party sequences in Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In. I expect to see Joann Worley, Arte Johnson, and/or Henry Gibson pop up. Is that a chicken joke?
We return to Bert and Diane and they compare wristbands, watched over by the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Then, in walks Turk, and Bert is not happy. Turk takes off, with Bert in hot pursuit. Outside, Bert is set upon by four guys wielding machetes. In a classic James West disarm, Bert takes down four guys with one blow. There is a brawl, and Bert is ultimately saved by the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Bert thanks him; “The pleasure was all mine.” 
Bert then walks off, apparently uninterested in who this guy is and why he just saved his life. Go figure. Diana is waiting for him. “You were right; it’s the men and not the animals who are the real danger.” I think that’s generally a given. “Right now, it’s men not animals that I’m going to settle with.” But after that, look out, rhinos. She again tries to cajole him into going hunting with her. He again declines.I have to say at this point that however much the movie may suck, the soundtrack music is surprisingly good, being a kind of 60s acid rock with vaguely African music. Peter Gabriel, eat your heart out.
The next day, a caravan of Jeeps sets out on Diana’s hunt for the sacred monkeys. They pass by a couple of elephants. “Too bad we’re not hunting elephants,” she says. “I’ll bet you are,” returns Robert. What? Welcome to Non-Sequitur Theater. “It’s so exciting,” she quivers. Yeah, exerting one’s dominion over the creatures of the earth, killing things. I know I can’t get enough of that. “I can’t wait to find out if there really is a sacred monkey,” she says. “I told you it’s just a legend,” returns Robert. So wait a minute: is this only a big snipe hunt?! Don’t tell the guys who are lugging the gear.
“Look, a pair of lions!” shouts Diana. Replies her brother, “And they didn’t even condescend to
look at us.” Who could blame them? “Look at those birds!” shouts Robert. Unfortunately, the Jeep is jouncing around too much so all we can see are white blurs. And besides, they’ve lived in Africa for years and they’re still amazed by birds?The drive continues on in silence for a while. Cool music, through.
They arrive...wherever they are, and begin unloading the Jeeps. Meanwhile, Turk watches them through binoculars while really cool fuzztone guitar chords strike up. Turk must have severe vision problems or really cheap binoculars because the field of vision is rather restricted.
The hunters lug two Jeeps worth of crap into the jungle. This takes rather a while. They come upon two leopard cubs and Diana thinks they are too cute to kill. Awww.... So they move on. They come across what one could assume is the cubs’ mother, and proceed to fire at it. Boo!! Fortunately, the leopard has far more intelligence than any of the humans in this movie and easily outwits the mighty hunters by hiding behind a tree. They give up. Whew!They trudge onward. This takes a while. Cool music, though.
They come across a campsite and cut to later that evening. They are finishing dinner. “You’re really a good cook, Molumba,” says Robert, sarcastically. Ha ha ha. Diana actually liked it. “You must be very hungry,” says Robert. “Your appetite is never like this at home.” Diana never has a second cup of coffee at home.
Meanwhile, the native guides are taking loudly amongst themselves. Robert asks Molumba what the problem is; “My men don’t want to continue. There’s a devil in the jungle. They say, there is a powerful evil spirit.” Yes, we know; you’ve been lugging her crap. Robert knows how to sensitively handle native religious beliefs. “Tell them I’ll double their pay, and be ready in the morning.”
Later that evening, Diana is undressing in her tent. Of course; you knew there was going to be at least one scene of Diana undressing. But as the cool fuzztone guitar returns, a guy in a gorilla suit peers out of the bushes and watches Diana undress. A second gorilla appears and peers.
One of the gorillas bursts into Diana’s tent and carries her off. She drops her bracelet. Meanwhile, the other gorilla attacks the humans, leaving one dead and Robert dazed on the ground. The gorillas flee into the woods. Gorilla, you’re a desperado. Turk appears and stands over Robert. “Now remember this...” A kiss is just a kiss? Oh; “Diana’s life depends on you. Go back to Nairobi. Immediately. And explain what happened to your father.” What happened to his father? Oh, I see, never mind... “And say, if he wants his daughter back alive, there’s only one way to get her.”Cut to—hey, wait a minute! What’s the one way to get her back?
The gorillas carry Diana through the woods; someone in desperate need of a pedicure finds Diana’s bracelet on the ground in her tent. Man, this is like “Accessory Island.”
Back in Nairobi, Robert is explaining to Bert about the monkeys, how one grabbed Diana and the other attacked the rest of the camp. “It’s like they were...human almost....They behaved as if they had a plan, as if it had been prearranged, as if they were some kind of robots.” So were they humans or robots? Bert is a mite skeptical. Theodore comes in and pleads with Bert. “I don’t know who else I can turn to to help Diana.” He avoids looking at Robert while saying this. Probably for good reason. Bert is hesitant, and Robert opts for the passive-aggressive route. “Well, if Bert doesn’t want to help, we’ll look for Diana ourselves.” “You haven’t got a hope of finding her. I’m not going,” says Bert. “I’d lead the safari myself if I were younger,” says Theodore. Man, this is like “Wuss Island.” Theodore offers him money.
“Bert,” says Robert, “there’s something important I didn’t tell you. I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. I saw Turk out there.” Yeah, that’s so much more unbelievable than the robot gorilla thing. That gets Bert’s attention, and to symbolize Bert’s inner turmoil the cameraman abruptly zooms in from a long shot to a close up of his nose. “I’m convinced that he’s behind it. The kidnapping,” adds Robert. “I’ve changed my mind,” says Bert, “I’ll go.” Well, I guess we know what his priorities are: “I think you mentioned money.” Jeez. Weren’t Bert and Diana dancing the night before, and now he has to be bribed to go save her? What an ass. Theodore hands him a wad of bills; he looks at it confusedly. “You’ll get the other half when Diana is safe,” says Theodore. Bert stalks off. A fine, noble hero this guy is. I think I’ll root for the monkeys.
After Bert is gone, Theodore chuckles. “You did it, Robert.” Robert is ashamed, as well he should be—for any number of reasons. Hmm...so they’re setting Bert up for something. Pity. And to get out of this scene, we pan over and zoom into another African mask. Is the director also shooting a documentary on African art?
At the bar, Bert sits adown and calls “Whiskey.” Ursula sidles up and says “Two whiskeys.” Wow can she drink. But then to be married to Theodore and in love with Bert, I’m guessing she hasn’t been sober since the Taft Administration. “Watch your step,” she advises him. “You may find it’s dangerous to violate ancient taboos.” Wasn’t this advice she should have given her daughter? “Don’t say anything,” she warns, as Theodore comes over and ushers her away.
Cut to the next day, and Bert, Robert, and several others are on a boat. Boat? But Diana’s hunting party didn’t take a boat anywhere. Where are they going? Bert points out some birds. Was the screenwriter a birdwatching aficionado? Oh, no! Robert is being attacked by a large,
furry creature! Oh, wait, that’s just his body hair. Oh, please please please put a shirt on. He tries to shoot a crocodile but misses, and one of the other guys in the boat is struggling to not laugh uproariously. I guess it’s good for the indigenous fauna that the hunters in this movie couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Oh, no! Robert is rubbing water all over his body. I haven’t been this ill since The Horrors of Spider Island. Bert eyes a bunch of hippos lasciviously. “I wish it was me in there swimming.” Yeah. Well you know, a childhood obsession with Henrietta Hippo on The New Zoo Revue can recur at the oddest moments...Soon, they are walking through the woods. “Something’s moving,” says Robert. “A python,” says Bert. (Cue “The Liberty Bell.”) “Don’t kill it,” says Bert as Robert raises his gun. Wow, that’s not a line one hears too often in this movie. Like he could even hit it anyway.
Meanwhile, the Jack Lemmon/M*A*S*H psychiatrist guy pops up from behind a street and looks on. Now wait a minute. How did he follow them without them noticing another boat following them?
They all continue through the woods. It takes rather a while. Cool music though. Sounds vaguely like The Residents’ “Six Things to a Cycle.”
Someone yells out, “The sacred monkey! The sacred monkey!” And we pan up to a chimpanzee in a treetop. That’s the sacred monkey? Don’t let these guys watch BJ and the Bear. (God, I’m old.) But wait: “I don’t mean the chimpanzee.” What then? No, don’t tell us or anything.
They walk on and come across their campsite from the previous evening. “It’s just as I left it,” says Robert. So the maid didn’t come by to tidy up? I guess not; even the dead guy is still there. Funny; I would have thought there would be any number of creatures in the jungle that would take care of a dead body on the ground. I guess the local fauna are all on a hunger strike or something.
Secretly watching them is a very scantily clad female figure sitting in a tree. I’m guessing this is Eve, the Wild Woman? She kind of looks like a composite of the two women who were Dawn in Tony Orlando & Dawn. (God, I’m old.)“All right, step on it,” shouts Robert. Um, what exactly? “Take that body down the hill and bury it.” That goes over well with the locals. “No! Taboo! Taboo!” “Don’t be stupid! Do what you’re told,” admonishes Robert. It’s amazing he’s never been murdered in his sleep. You know you’re being a dink when Bert is the voice of sensitivity and understanding. “There’s no reason to act like that,” says Bert. “You’ve been getting worse and worse since we left the boat. What’s wrong with you kid?” Kid? He’s like 45. “I’m getting worried about you.” Robert has some issues, probably stemming from the fact that he’s setting Bert up to be killed. Psychological depth? Nuance? In this movie? Oh, I don’t think so.
Meanwhile, Eve looks on. And the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy camps nearby...
In the woods, Robert and Turk confront each other. Robert insists he delivered his part of the bargain (Bert) and demands to have his sister back. They nearly come to blows.
Here’s what I don’t get (among other things). If Turk (or Albert, whom Turk is working for) wanted Bert, why not just go into Nairobi and capture him? Sure, they screwed up the first time, but he’s just one guy. Surly enough hired goons—or the gorillas—could get him eventually. Why concoct a needlessly complicated kidnapping plot, talk/bribe him into going to rescue her, and then capture him along the way? And then, even once Bert is out in the woods, wait a good long time before going after him? This is like Rube Goldberg planning revenge.
So Turk says, “I’ll let you see your sister when I’ve got Bert. And that won’t be none to easy.” Why? Bert doesn’t have super powers or anything.
Robert stalks off.
Across the camp, Eve slinks around and wanders into Bert’s tent and ogles him while he sleeps. So what would stop Turk from taking him now? Getting people in this movie to do anything is such a chore. Man, it’s Like “Lethargy Island.” As Eve is staring intently at Bert, something startles her and she jumps back (aided by cutting a few frames from the film) and she darts into the jungle.
It is suddenly the next day, and Eve is calling to her chimpanzee. “Hymie!” Hymie? The Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy looks on. Everyone is always watching everyone else surreptitiously in this movie. Man, it’s like “Voyeur Island.”
Bert and co. are on the move again. It takes rather a while. No music this time; but lots of loud jungle noises (except for that “ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah” creature you always hear in jungle movies. Eve and Hymie the chimpanzee follow them and Eve giggles at a lion. You can’t hide your lion eyes. There are random intercuts between Bert’s party, Eve, and random jungle animals. At one point, a leopard shapeshifts into lioness.
Suddenly, the jungle noises abruptly stop. I guess the sound editor’s tape ran out. Bert stops. “Hey,” Bert protests. He needs the sounds of the jungle to relax him, like some people need a white noise machine to sleep. One of the guides says, “When the jungle is quiet, the spirit of death is near.” “We’ll soon see if there are any spirits around here,” says Bert, brandishing a rifle. He’s not clear on the concept. Even the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy is concerned. Who is that guy?
The fuzztone guitar kicks in—Ah, the Ape Theme! Two gorillas leap out of the bushes and jump on the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy. Bert hears the melee and/or the guitar theme, and rushes over. He fires some shots. he hits one gorilla, and the other takes off. Bert rushes over. “Ugly beast,” he says looking at the dead gorilla. Hey, you’re no prize yourself, pal. He asks of the Jack Lemmon/psychiatrist guy is OK. He is, but he’s not happy about it. “Thanks. Now we’re even.”
Bert asks what he wants. “My name is Forrester,” he says. “And I’m working with Interpol.” Oh, really? I especially liked Turn on the Bright Lights, but all three albums are pretty good. So why is he out there following Bert? Is that the Heinrich Maneuver? “I’m investigating your robbery.” He explains that he is looking for Albert, adding, “She was all right ’cause the sea was so airtight, she broke away.” The Interpol guy gives some more back story about the robbery we saw before the title sequence: “When you were in the hospital, you were delirious for weeks.” Only weeks? “From what you said, we were able to reconstruct the crime.” What’s to reconstruct? Three guys robbed a Jeep, and one partner shot the other two. It wasn’t exactly the Brinks job. Says the Interpol guy, “We only let you go so you would lead us to Albert Muller,” and then adds, “How are things on the West Coast? I hear you’re moving real fine. You wear those shoes like a dove.”
The Interpol guy explains that they are looking for Albert because they think he is experimenting on “conditioned brain reflexes in certain kinds of animals. The results could be disastrous.” Or just plain silly. It’s a fine line. Bert, of course, has his priorities. “What do I get out of it if I help you?” Once again: our hero, ladies and gentlemen. The Interpol guy promises him some kind of reward, like maybe their live EP. Bert is still eager to settle his score with Albert. “I won’t save him,” says the Interpol guy. But, I thought...weren’t you trying to...oh, never mind.
They come back across Robert, who has been attacked by the gorillas. “It wasn’t part of the plan,” says Bert, and he admits that he was wise to the fact that the whole thing was a set up. Oh, come on: this guy isn’t that smart. “Who put you up to this: Diana?” Yes, that’s right: the girl who was kidnapped. OK, yes, he really isn’t that smart. Robert admits that Albert was the one who kidnapped Diana—and Robert admits that Albert is working on...something. “Even my father put money into it.” There’s a prospectus I’d like to see. But, before he can say anything more, he is shot by Turk standing in a nearby tree. He also takes out a few of the natives who were charging out of the woods at him.
Bert and the Interpol guy sneak away, but are captured by a local tribe and are tied to a stick and carried away. Yes! Meanwhile, Eve looks on with concern.Turk reconnoiters with Albert and has to admit that the plan has gone wrong, that Bert was captured by a local tribe of Hakawi or something (is this F Troop all of a sudden?). Albert says, “I had everything planned to the letter. It was perfect.” Um, no, it really wasn’t. “It was the gorillas that ruined the plan,” says Turk. It was beauty killed the beast! No, actually, I think the blame goes all the way up to the top on this one. “What went wrong? What?” asks Albert, ignoring everything Turk has just said. Some evil genius. They take off. “We have work to do,” says Albert. I bet.
Meanwhile, Bert and the Interpol guy are untied. “Why are they untying us?” Bert explains, “They’re savages. They expect us to run for our lives.” Ah. So...they then run for their lives. They charge down into a ditch and the tribe stands up top hurling spears at them,. Naturally, they all miss. No one can hit anything with any weapon in this movie. I think they need an optometrist. Man, it’s like “Myopia Island.”
Bert stabs a native with his own spear and takes off into the woods, ditching the Interpol guy. He comes to a stream by a waterfall, takes his shirt off and goes for a swim. Ugh. This takes rather a while. Cool music, though.
He is startled to see that, placed on top of his shirt over on a rock, are two bunches of bananas and a flower. Hymie the chimpanzee makes fun of him. He swims over and has a banana. Across
the lake, he spies Eve, and we zoom into his banana-filled open mouth. Thanks for the chew’n’show, movie. “Hey,” he yells through a mouthful of banana. Our hero! He charges over towards her, and she flees. One could hardly blame her. She’s gone, and he returns to the bananas. She then returns to the rock across the stream. She smiles at him. What the heck is going on? He lights a cigarette and they stare at each other. He throws the cigarette in the stream, and the littering doesn’t seem to bother her.The apes’ fuzztone theme kicks in, and, sure enough, one of the gorillas comes out of the woods right behind Bert. Eve starts yelling something in Junglese at it, and we zoom in on the stitches behind the gorilla’s ear and hear loud static. Huh? I think the gorilla’s now picking up AM radio. Bert spins around, draws a knife, and stabs the gorilla. Eve seems cool with this. Bert sneaks off, finds a cave, lights a fire, and goes to sleep.
Meanwhile, Ursula Undress is getting out of a bathtub. She dons a robe and pads into her bedroom, where Theodore is sitting, waiting for her. “I hope I’m not bothering you, sweetie,” he says, although you get the sense that he’d prefer it if he were bothering her. He caught her as she was packing, about to skip town. They fight; Theodore thinks she was planning to run off with Bert. She admits that living in the African jungle wasn’t the high life she had been led to believe it was. “For years you promised to take me away from this hellhole—Paris, London, Rome.” Not Schuylerville?
Now Theodore really turns on the charm. “You think you can just pack a bag and go?” Well, that was the idea. “Everything you own is mine!” You can’t walk out on me, I’m Charles Foster Kane! Well, maybe not... And he proceeds to give her a beating, which makes him even more loathsome than he had been before, which is quite something. “You’d like me to let you go, wouldn’t you?” Well, yes! Of course!
She dashes to the dresser and pulls out a gun. “Come any closer, you’ll get exactly what you deserve: bullet in the gut.” That gut? Better use at least a few rounds, or maybe a bazooka. “You’re revolting to me. I just can’t bear to have you touch me.” She does have a point. “Oh, calm down, Ursula. You know it’s just because I love you that I’m jealous.” Sorry, pal; you lost any sympathy when you beat the crap out of her. I vote for the bullet in the gut. He insists that thanks to Albert’s invention, which he helped finance, they’re going to be rich. Uh, I wouldn’t count those chickens just yet... He then snatches the gun away from her. Damn. He then starts kissing her madly, and thankfully we cut away to some burnt embers.
Eve is skulking about Bert’s sleeping body. He leaps to his feet, and knocks her to the ground. Whoa—she’s got nothing on under her long black hair. She is a wild woman. “That’s more like it, woman,” he says. Ugh. Well, this movie ratcheted up the loathsomeness in the past 10 minutes. He tells her he is not going to hurt her. They smile at each other. “Are you the sacred monkey?” he asks her. What? Where did that come from? Is he bananas? He attempts to communicate with her, but it doesn’t work. “I’ll call you Eve,” he says. Sure, why not? He then finds Diana’s bracelet on her. Once again, the accessories pay off in this movie. He tries to persuade her to take him to Diana.In Albert’s lair, a radio-controlled gorilla wanders past cages of prisoners. It opens Diana’s cage and escorts her to Albert. “You monster! You maniac!” she shouts. Albert chuckles. “You think I’m a monster?” Actually, I thought she meant that the gorilla was the monster and Albert was the maniac, but if the shoe fits... Albert then has to repeat his order to the gorilla three times before it obeys. He then introduces Diana to the gorilla, which he calls Malik. Sure, why not?. “Just like a robot. It always obeys.” Well, it takes three tries, but eventually it obeys. The gorilla is the culmination of all his theories. Which are, what exactly?
Here’s the part where the mad scientist explains his plan and how everything works so at some point he can be easily thwarted. He leads Diana up to a large luminous brain on the wall. “This brain is the nerve center that controls all the apes.” He then shows her the transmitter, and probably where the instruction manual is. “Their will ceases. It puts them at my command.” Yeah. “They’re my pets. I’ve managed to eliminate their savage ways.” No, you haven’t. You’ve just harnessed them for your own ends. He then demands obedience from her, or she’ll end up in the cage with the other women he plans to experiment on.“I can take control of all humanity with this invention. I’ll be rich and powerful. All of you will do as I say!” Huh? That’s his big plan—to implant radio receivers in everyone on earth? What was the population in 1968, 2 billion or something like that? That’s a lot of operations, and I’m guessing some folks will be trying to stop him once he gets beyond the five people who live in his jungle village. You know, it’s one thing to develop a technology, but very often you need a strategic partner to effectively deploy it. Then again, this clown would have been a natural during the dot-com boom.
On the wall, the brain throbs. I know how it feels. There are either intruders, or the cave has a migraine. It could go either way at this point. Albert sends Turk (who has been pretty quiet during all of the foregoing) out to see who it is. Albert puts Diana back in her cage.
Outside, Bert and Eve look quizzically around. Eve leads him toward Albert’s cave. Albert has a loudspeaker system set up, and announces, “Bert. I’ve been waiting for you.” He then explains how he had Theodore send him into the jungle. Albert says that he had been afraid that the native tribe had foiled his plans, “But you were too smart for them. You’re an excellent specimen of the human race.” No, he most certainly is not! “That’s why I chose you for my first experiment on a human being.” Oh, is that all? OK, that’s sounds fine. I say go for it. “Ha ha ha! You’ll have the honor of being the first man to become my slave!” You know, the evil is one thing, but the gloating is really just the worst. Albert eggs Bert on as Bert makes his way through the cave. Albert really is a bit too pleased with himself, and for no good reason.
Bert takes a while to wander through the cave. Cool music though. Turk jumps out at him. “I keep bumping into you everywhere I go. It must be fate,” says Turk. Um, no, it’s your boss who brought him there. Weren’t you listening to the PA system, or anything else Albert had said throughout this movie? Then the PA cuts in again. “Bring him here, Turk!” That startles Turk, and gives Bert the opportunity to run away. Turk starts shooting at him.
Meanwhile, one of the gorillas meets up with Eve, who calls the ape “Loomba.” There is some static from the radio receiver, then Loomba captures her and brings her into the cave.
Inside, Turk is looking for Bert, while Albert is being a pain in the tuchis over the PA system. Turk sees a boot sticking out from behind a rock, and thinks he has him. However, it is just the boot, and Bert is actually hiding behind him. He slugs Turk and Turk goes down. “Now I’m gonna kill ya,” says Bert.
OK, get this: the rifle is on the ground some distance from Turk, but not far from Bert. Turk sees the rifle, but scrambles in the other direction. Bert makes no move to get the rifle, but grabs Turk and throws him over toward the rifle, where Turk can easily pick it up. An excellent human specimen, eh? But Turk can’t seem to fire it and gives Bert ample time to slug him some
more. Somehow, Turk has a knife all of a sudden, but it doesn’t matter because Bert manages to knock him to the ground and disarm him anyway. Does anyone actually know how to use a weapon in this movie? While on the ground, Turk grabs a rock, unseen by Bert who is the one pinning him to the ground, and clouts Bert in the thick boot with it. They struggle some more, and ultimately Turk is strangled by his own rifle.Back a Albert’s, Loomba brings a screaming Eve in, and Albert is pleased to have the sacred monkey captured by one of her subjects. Albert gloats to a woman who speaks no English that he now controls all the gorillas. Um...yeah. On the wall, the brain throbs some more and Albert sends the gorilla out to attend to whoever it is. He then gets back on the PA system and tries to cajole Bert into obeying him. Man, this guy has control issues. Albert tells Bert that Eve and Diana are his prisoners, and their life depends on Bert obeying. “You wouldn’t want their deaths on your conscience.” Well, with Bert, it really depends how much money is involved. Albert gives Bert 10 minutes or he turns the women over to the gorillas, “and there won’t be much left for you. The gorillas are getting excited.” I thought he had removed all savagery from then, unless he’s ordering them to get excited about killing women. Albert keeps droning on and on... He’s worse than the gorillas.
At that point, Theodore and Ursula show up and insist that Diana be released. He is also pissed that Robert was killed. Albert suddenly has a headache. So do I. Theodore orders him to open Diana’s cell. And he does. Theodore takes him to task, but then Ursula points a gun at Theodore, and lets Albert disarm him. “Surprise, Theodore. I wasn’t going to escape with Bert but with him.” Six of one, half dozen of another really. “Albert promised to take me away from this horrible country.” She then shoots Theodore. Let the cast-thinning begin! Diana is upset that her father was killed, and Ursula then yells at Diana: “I hate you! I hate you! It’s all your fault I could never get away!” She is about to clout Diana with the butt of the rifle, but Eve leaps out and stops her. They wrestle. Albert chuckles. Albert then shoots Ursula. “I’ve been hunting the sacred monkey for a year, and I don’t intend to lose her now. When I want something, I take it, and I keep it forever.” Jeez.
There is another gunshot. It’s Bert, one of the only characters left alive. “Not this time, Albert.” Albert commends Bert on his punctuality. “But I haven’t lost the game yet.” Neither the excellent human specimen nor Diana who is looking right at him notice the two gorillas lumbering up behind him. The gorillas grab Bert. Diana tells Bert to shoot the brain on the wall. While the gorillas hold him, he shoots the red light—but I thought that was just the visitor alarm. Whatever it is, the result is that the monkeys all clutch their heads, and all the equipment bursts into flame. Cover me though the fire indeed. Pretty touchy stuff. Eve then takes control of the gorillas, and Albert chews the scenery big time. “I’m your master!” he cries, and runs down a cavern. Two gorillas catch him and carry him off. You get the sense that there won’t be much left. The rest of the equipment goes up in smoke.
Outside, Bert and Diana bid Eve farewell, although now they call her Eva. And the payoff? Diana gives Eve(a) her bracelet. Yes! The accessory motif pays off. And Bert and Diana sail off, as Eve(a) ambles back into the jungle with Hymie the chimpanzee.
The end.
Hey, what happened to the Interpol guy? I wanted to quote some more lyrics.
I have decided to take a tip from the evil genius in the movie and overthink and overplan everything I do. So here’s my plan. The next time I want to have a pizza delivered, instead of just calling up and ordering one, here is what I will do. I will have my animal henchmen (there are no gorillas here in Saratoga, so I will have to make do with what I have; thus, my army of radio-controlled squirrels) carry off the daughter of the pizza shop. I will then have my hired human goon (well, an intern, a local student who wants to learn graphic design—I get a fair number of resumes) persuade one of the pizza shop’s delivery guys to rescue his boss’ daughter by leading an expedition (complete with large, pepperoni pizza) into the labyrinth of Geyser Crest. Then, I will have my squirrel army attack, and carry the pizza back to me. It’s perfect! What could possibly go wrong?
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